Carl,

I’m sorry for the difficulties you’ve been experiencing. Have you had the opportunity to talk to a doctor? Sometimes depression is biochemical in nature, and as much as we attempt to overcome it, it doesn’t go away. Sometimes something as simple as a vitamin D deficiency can cause such emotions and thoughts.

It is also plausible that your strategy is faulty. Your words remind me of the state of mind Osho described as “exhaustion”. When we are investing our effort into maintaining a personality, we become tired, downtrodden and aged. The problem is that when we envision the “dream us” we are creating a fantasy that we can never fulfill. Then, when the seeds ripen and we are in a moment of connection with others, we compare our actions against that vision and lose our connection to our heart. Said differently, when we worry about who we are, we worry about what we say, do, think, which prevents us from being heartfelt in the moment.

Instead, we can dream a better dream, one that accounts for the truth of who we are and the awkward, bumbling learning process we all are going through. We accept the awkwardness of being a crazy mix of heavenly and earthly beings and let go. Letting go is a process though, as we let our emotions and minds settle. The way my teacher taught me was to just notice the emotion.

“This is what feeling exhausted feels like. It is enough to feel the feeling, my mind doesn’t have to do anything with it but notice.” There are some great videos on YouTube by Ajahn Jayasaro about meditation which can help create a stable field for the noticing. Also, consider Pema Chodron’s book “When Things Fall Apart”, which has a lot of practical advice for people who throw their hands up in despair.

My guess is you have a lot of creative empathy, which is like poetry when vibrant and lightning bolts when eclipsed. Each of us is a unique puzzle, and so the key for others may or may not work for you. However, mindful practices are what will help you make your own key. Inventors often fail over and over as they gather data, and your self-awareness (how well you see your side of the patterns… not the solutions, just the data) is fantastic! All you really need is a an effective strategy. This is why Buddhists in the Zen tradition often say masters are masters of creating themselves.

With warmth,
Matt