Lara,

It is a sad but necessary lesson to learn. Jack Johnson sings a song Sitting Waiting Wishing, and in it says “I aint the Lord, no I’m just a fool, learning loving somebody don’t make them love you.” People have walls until they have the courage to drop them. There is nothing we can do to break those walls for them, we have to wait for them to step up.

The good news is you can turn that romantic spirit inward and dream a dream for yourself. Forgiving yourself, keeping your heart open, finding peace… those desires inside are genuine and can guide you into a relationship that becomes the love of your life… with yourself! From developing self love, we are content alone. Then a lover or husband is icing on the cake, rather than filling the hole.

In regards to the wall, don’t be afraid of it! We can think of it as armor, where years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse helped us become resilient and strong. Yet, you have the courage to set down the armor and bear your heart and flesh when you know you’re safe. You’re not “damaged and broken”, rather “strong and courageous”.

The question to ask ourselves is “how long do I keep doing things that I see only hurt myself”… we think it is our destiny to have to push through something thick and terrible in order to be happy. However, happiness is only a few breaths away… whether it is 10,000 breaths or 10 depends on how stubbornly we are set in the old way.

Consider that you might be afraid to trust your heart, because look where it landed you in the past! But your heart is learning to stop loving the dream of the other and looking clearer at what is there. Your heart knows, and wouldn’t lead you back into an abusive situation. Your mind might, saying “this is better than being alone” or “maybe they will change” but then your heart is too busy loving the dream to advise you to move on. We dream, we crash, we learn and hopefully move on wiser and more in tune with our inner beauty.

In Buddhism it is said that a breakdown plus awareness is breakthrough. Said differently, when we decide we will look at our side of things and how we are creating or maintaining the conditions for our painful experiences, we blossom. Remember, the wall is only armor, and it is a fine thing to put it on when we are in a difficult environment. We just don’t keep it on when there is no need, because the armor feels icky and isolating compared to the genuine connection we share with other open people (such as trusted friends, spiritual community and so forth)

With warmth,
Matt