Thiis is something I wrote over the weekend. I am no writer by any means. I just put some thoughts down and it turned into this…

I guarded my heart
We’ve been through so much
She’s was my precious cargo
I surrounded her with a strong wall, protecting her against intruders.
Then one glorious, now dreadful day, I looked into his eyes
My heart fluttered
My friend found a weak spot and the wall began to crumble.
I felt his persuasive lips on mine.
More falls, faster, relentlessly, almost willingly.
The remainder of my once impermeable wall, melts under his skin.
My heart was now defenseless, vulnerable to the elements
She shivers
Fantasy became my reality
Self mutilation, my story
Denial, my truth
He warns, his heart is not up for offer, but let’s see where this goes
Hope takes hold
We can be “friends”
I don’t mind, my actions say
My heart debates otherwise
She knows me best
Boundaries are broken
There are others
They don’t care
Everyone is doing it
What is exclusivity?
Realness, what’s that?
Relationships are now taboo
I can be cool too
My love has taken root
My heart is worried, she expresses her concern
“Why won’t you stop this before it’s too late?”
“You’ll be alright,” I say
“We’re so strong”
I close my eyes in ecstasy, basking in my dream
I take my precious heart in both hands and hand her over
Take care she’s fragile
Won’t you please accept my heart
She’ll gives freely without expecting anything in return
She gives until there’s no more left and then she’ll give some more
She tremors in fear, but goes reluctantly
Did she have a choice?
I’m scared too
He tosses her around in a game of keep away
I play along
I cry out in silence as she begins crack
I don’t like this, please don’t stop
She is still recognizable
The thoughts of him with others begin to haunt my dreams
The nightmares begin to infest my every thoughts
I can handle it, I lie to us all
She begs me to stop, but I don’t listen
“Why would you allow this?”
She pleads with me.
Her cries sound like a love song
I’m now sobbing while smiling
I’m getting scared
I close my eyes tighter and dive in deeper
The nightmares get louder
“I got this,” I say softly under my breath
The lies I tell flow like bitter honey
You’re safe
I lay my head on his chest
He strokes my back
I can hear his heart
So strong, so intact
His love envelopes me
No wait, that’s mine
I can feel my heart breaking under the pressure
“He wouldn’t hurt you,” I assure her,
“But you will,” she weeps
I see the good in him
The nightmares persists
I hold him tighter, look at me
Can’t you see me?
His wall is too tall
It prevents him from seeing
It’s solid, I can’t break through
Can’t you feel me?
His barriers keep me from reaching
My fears devour me
Nightmares now manifesting daily while I’m wide awake
In them I see another walk by
So pretty
Skin of silk
Freer than I
No inhibitions
Her smile catches his attention
He winks at her, “I see you, Ms So-and-So”
I panic
“Do you remember my name?”
“I don’t have time” is his reply,
“I never lied to you”
He’s right
“You had a choice”
“I know” I whisper
He places my heart on the ledge without looking
She teeters and reaches out for me
“Don’t be scared! Toughen up!” I yell at her,
Annoyed with her whining
“You’re going to chase him away for good!”
There’s no one there to catch her, not even I
He does not take notice
He does not skip a beat
She cries out as she falls
She has nothing to grab onto
I move in slow motion
All I can do is watch
She shatters with the force of impact
He steps on her broken pieces
“No more, save yourself”, he says
It’s over
I can’t breath
It hurts with every breath
I feel life escaping us
I reach her
No longer recognizing her
“I’m okay! I’m just fine!” She gasps, angry I neglected her
Hurt I abandoned her
I pick up her mangled pieces
She wrenches in pain
She detests me
I detest me
How? Why?
He cares, right? Tell me you care
He shrugs
I can’t hide it anymore
The agony shows on my face
I don’t understand
I hold her
I cradle her
I beg him to help me save her
“What’s the matter?” He asks
Don’t you know?
No remorse from him
“I haven’t changed,” He then laughs, “You knew better”
I did
I sit alone on the ground in a puddle with her in my arms
Hours pass
Where did he go?
We cry together like a child in need of love
My eyes are swollen
Should’ves, would’ves, and could’ves show up
False memories prevail
How dare he not love me back!
Why, am I not worthy?
If only…
I deserved this
I shake my head to clear my thoughts
Hindsight sets in
Clarity
I’m sorry!
My tears become glue as I begin to mend her
My hands shake as I handle the sharp fragmented pieces
They cut my hands as I put them in place
Streams of blood flow down my wrist
“You did this!” She whales
Shame
Yes I agree
I repeat to myself over and over, Never again
Hours, days, weeks, months pass
The pain is so deep
I’m so tired
I endure
Never again
Bits of her perished in the fall, some in the aftermath.
There are gaps
Never again
Scars from previous breaks have hardened parts of her making repair a difficult long process, at times I thought impossible
I continued regardless
Forgiveness begins
Never again
Pictures hang of a day during her untouched youth when she was whole, vibrant
She looked so happy
All pieces that could be saved are in place
She has lost some feeling – nerve damage
She has calluses – trauma
I stand up still cradling her in both hands
I lift my head and hold it high
The sun shines on my face
I can see him now in the distance
A tug at my heart
She tenses
My chest tightens
A longing arises
I miss him
“Does he miss me?”
You didn’t matter
Your feelings were irrelevant
I take a few deep breaths
I hold my head up higher
“We’ll be okay,” I assure her
She’s starting to trust me again
Never again
More healing, we’re becoming whole again
Her color returns
Some scars are fading
Some never will
She beats with life again
Getting stronger with every breath
Never again, I promise
The new wall is almost complete
Stronger this time
Never again
Re-enforced
Never again
I hang the last strand of barb wire
Never again
A sign at its entrance reads “No trespassing”
I give her a tender kiss
Please forgive me
I smile
She smiles back
You’re safe now
Never again will I give you up so recklessly without concern for us
Words come to mind, ” Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”
That’s debatable
Maybe one day another will be entrusted with my heart
Maybe one day I will remove the sign
Maybe one day I will know what it feels like to be loved
.
.
.
Never again