When I first separated from my wife (about a year ago) I read a book called Forgive For Love by Fred Luskin. He talked about something called the Unenforceable Rule and it really struck home for me. Basically the Unenforceable Rule is that you can want somebody to do something, but you set yourself up because you get angry or upset or whatever when they don’t do what you want. In your case, you have created a “rule” (wanting him to change certain things in his life) that he doesn’t want to do for whatever reason. And now, you are upset because you can’t enforce a rule when he really doesn’t want to do it. So you beat yourself up and get upset because he isn’t doing something that you have no true control over.

At the end of the day, you may need to make a decision- is his refusal to make those changes enough to derail the relationship or is it something you can learn to live with? Chances are really strong that he won’t make any serious changes until he truly wants to do it for himself and not just to please you or make you happy.

Thinking about the Unenforceable Rules made me come to terms with the idea that I couldn’t make her change what she does or thinks. All I could change was whether I got frustrated with her lack of changing or not.

I hope that makes sense. Luskin describes it far better than I can. Good luck to you.