Menu

Jeff

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 49 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #54544

    Jeff
    Participant

    The easy part is reading and understanding all those things we’re “supposed” to be doing. The hardest thing is putting it into actual practice. But I think practice is the key word. A person doesn’t become proficient at playing a musical instrument or become a sports star or anything else without practice and repetition. Why should taking care of these non-tangible things be any different?

    One of the big things don Miguel Ruiz talks about in The Four Agreements is the simplist concept, but the hardest to achieve (in my mind). That is his fourth agreement– do you best. How hard is it to accept that what you do right now at this moment is the best you can do right now? Some days your best will be pretty darn good and you will thrive. Some days you will struggle. The idea is to understand that the days you struggle are the same as the days you thrive. In both cases, you do your best.

    So today, try and claim that ownership of your life that you’re looking for. Maybe you’ll do a good job of it today. Or maybe you won’t. Just do your best. Good luck.

    #54481

    Jeff
    Participant

    Thanks so much for this great reminder. Over thinking everything is one of my greatest challenges. It’s so easy to let it take you down the road of negatives and worst case scenarios.

    #46861

    Jeff
    Participant

    well- that was even worse than I expected. I cried the entire time and she sat there stoic like a statue. I fail to see a single “good” that can come of this. A family is shattered, my life is destroyed, and we all get to cope with struggling to make ends meet because we have two places to maintain. But hey! At least there’s the loneliness for me to look forward to.

    #46849

    Jeff
    Participant

    Thank you all. I’m leaving in the next 15 minutes and I seriously don’t know how I’m going to do. And while the pain may not last forever, it’s gong to seem like it. I think this has been harder on me than my brother’s death 5 years ago.

    #46526

    Jeff
    Participant

    What is there to stop you from taking the data job and continue looking in the engineering field?

    I will say that I work for a major corporation, and of the people I am close to at work not a one of us is in the field we went to college for. I’m a history major, one is a political science major, one went to school for chemical engineering, and one was a speech major. Even if you don’t “use” your degree, it isn’t a waste of time. College isn’t just about the degree, but about experiences and a lot of other stuff. My history degree taught me how to dig and do research– something I use every day in my job.

    Do what is going to make you happy. I’ve worked too many yers in a job I disliked because I “had to” financially. The result is a lot of years where I lost out in pursuing passions and taking chances in my life. You’ll be working for the next 40 years, so make it something you like, not something you feel you have to do.

    #46149

    Jeff
    Participant

    Thank you both. I know it’s hard to just “turn the other cheek” in these situations. and I know that times like this are when I need to make an extra effort to do it anyway. So, I’ll just keep moving ever forward.

    #44077

    Jeff
    Participant

    My therapist said something to me that may help a little. Who says you HAVE to stop caring or thinking about him? You were together a long time and it’s natural that your thoughts will be dominated by him. I think we do ourselves a disservice when we try to forget something that hurt us. It’s not about if you stop caring or if you do or do not move forward on any given day. You are not stupid for caring. Grieve the loss. The relationship deserves to be grieved.

    But I promise you– there will be a day when the hurt will be less. There will come a time where he no longer dominates your thoughts. I have no intention of ever “getting over” my wife. We spent over 18 years together and I don’t want to get over that. But I will learn from it and move on from it when the timing is right. Until then, I’ll grieve in my own way and at my own pace, and not feel stupid for caring.

    #43981

    Jeff
    Participant

    You are the one in the situation, and I don’t know him at all. My honest suggestion is that the two of you sit down and talk. Don’t make it a confontation, it needs to be a long discussion where you both listen to what the other is actually saying. Maybe he feels there is no need to be married since you’re already long term, or maybe he senses he’s some kind of rebound, or maybe its fear, or any one of a number of things. Right now, you’re guessing. The same with him. Is he saying what he thinks you want to hear? Is he afraid of hurting you if he says marriage isn’t what he wants right now? Was he saying all those things because it was easy to say when you weren’t divorced yet and no that its final it’s become too “real”? You will only find these things out from communicating. Believe me, I can tell you from experience that lack of communication causes more break ups in a relationship than any other thing.

    Good luck.

    #43863

    Jeff
    Participant

    My question is- why do you let him control whether you move on or not? Look back at everything you wrote above and tell me what in that entire thing makes it your fault that HE cheated on you several times, HE treated you like dirt, HE ran away, and HE only comes back when he needs an ego boost. HE holds the resentment, HE holds the grudge. And he called you sick? Would someone who truly loved you pull all that stuff? Sounds to me like he’s a manipulator and is the one who needs to look in the mirror here.

    The time has come for you to take control back because even though you are not with him, he still knows that he can keep stringing you along. You don’t need his forgiveness or permission to move forward with your life. Try this- write him another letter. Spill everything out- your anger, your hurt, how you feel about the lousy way he treated you. DO NOT SEND IT. Wait 24 hours and read it again. Grieve the loss and the pain. Then burn the letter. Burn away the anger and loss and his control over you. I promise you will feel better.

    I’m the first one to admit I struggled with many of the things you do. I felt the breakup of my marriage was all on me, that I did everything wrong. It took me a long time to see that I can only control my own side of things. I’m working on those things I need to work on. Those things that she tried to put on my head are just her point of view. That doesn’t make them true. Once I accepted that, then I started to find my way forward again with my life.

    Good luck to you.

    #43353

    Jeff
    Participant

    Please, please, please reconsider going to a therapist. And absolutely rely on friends and family.

    I’ve been in a place where I was so low that I believed suicide was the answer. I even tried, but fortunately it didn’t happen. I’ve learned a few things since then.

    First– a good therapist is a must. I went through several before I found one that I had a rapport with. She has been one of the shining lights in my life and has helped (along with this site and other things) to turn me around. I’m not prfect, but I’m in a far better place and feel like I’m on the right path.

    Second– talk to family and friends. You don’t have to go into all the details, but if they don’t know you’re struggling how can you expect any support. I admit that I’m a person who wears their emotions “out loud”. I’ve worked very hard the in the last 18 months to help erase the perception that depression is a “bad” thing. It isn’t. Depression is depression. It’s your mental mind telling you there are issues that need to be addressed so you can move forward down the path you were meant to take. Hiding it away serves no purpose. You feel worse because you have nobody to talk to and I promise you that family and friends will feel worse if you were to harm yourself and they were never given an opportunity to help and be by your side. Don’t underestimate how powerful friends and families can be in fighting depression.

    Third– send me a message if you don’t think anyone else out there will listen. Use this site for inspiration. And look at some of the other sites out there that have forums for discussiing your depression. I promise you are not alone in your suffering and people want to help.

    Please rethink what you might be considering. Find help. People will listen and help if you let them.

    #41871

    Jeff
    Participant

    If I didn’t know better, I would think I was reading about my life. My wife of 19 years decided she no longer loved me and left the marriage, but she continues to drag things out and won’t make a decision. She hints that she wants to work on things and like a fool I fall for it each time- only to have her drag it out and say she just can’t do it. we have three kids and I understand that loss of stability in your life.

    I don’t have a lot of good advice since I continue to struggle in my own life. But if it is any comfort, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It takes two people to make a marriage work and when one partner procrastinates, and continuously dances around making any real move. Keep your focus on your children. Make sure through all of this that they know they are loved. I can’t tell you about finding your place to live for today or any of that stuff because I continue to search for that myself. How do you live in the moment when the partner you’ve had for 20 years leaves your life?

    I wish you the best and I hope you find some of the answers you’re looking for. This site has been great in helping me to search for a new path. But in the end, you have to find what is going to work best for you and take your own road.

    Sorry, it’s not really advice. But it helped me a lot early on to know I wasn’t the only person going through a devastating loss like this. Good luck.

    #41837

    Jeff
    Participant

    Now and Zen.

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

    #40909

    Jeff
    Participant

    Thank you both.

    I do want this to happen. And yes, I think counseling of some sort would be in order- regular counseling, retreats, whatever. And Lucia- I think you make a great deal of sense when you talk aboutstarting at square one. In fact, she said much the same thing!

    #40842

    Jeff
    Participant

    It’s easy to give the opinion to another person because we are not intimately involved in the situation and have no agenda. Not quite the same when it comes to taking your own advice! I feel the same way. It’s really easy to look and see that a person needs to alow themselves time to heal, or that they are causing themselves pain, or whatever. But I’m able to convince myself that my particualr situation is “different” even when it really isn’t. I’m sure its part of why I struggle with letting go 14 months after my wife left, but I can give words of comfort to someone in the same situation.

    Best of luck.

    #40841

    Jeff
    Participant

    Perhaps meeting will help you to vlear the air, but don’te surprised if it creates more hurt. What are your expectations of the meeting? Get back together? Get closure? Something else? What you expect will go a long way toward what you will feel.

    As for being ready to date again- In my opinion, no, you are not ready. Look at all the red flags you threw out there. “My heart sank, I felt sick, I was literally shaking.” And “I still want him back and want to try and make it owrk. I am stuck back in that hole of thinking he is the only one I want and I don’t want to look anymore.” If you try to date again while you are in this condition, one of a couple things will likely happen. You will have a rebound type fling that will make you feel even worse, or you will constantly compare whoever you date to the old BF. Regardless, dating right now is a disservice to you and to whoever tries to date you. They deserve someone willing to put themselves into working on a new relationship or they will feel like they have been used.

    Let yourself heal first. Worry about you.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 49 total)