October 6, 2013 at 2:20 pm #43299LiamParticipant
I’m sorry to bring about such negative thoughts to the site, but there’s a subject I really feel like I need to talk to someone about. Family and friends are out of the question; I don’t want to worry them too much. A psychiatrist is also out of the question, I’ve seen one before but I stopped going after the first couple of sessions and it just made things worse. So, seeing as I really enjoy this site and have been reading the forums for a while, I thought I’d try here.
Basically, since I was a teenager, I’ve been depressed, I remember the first time it occurred to me that I was; I was 14 and someone in high school was bullying me. For some reason, it got to me more that day and, for the first time, when someone asked me if I was alright afterwards, I knew I wasn’t. This feeling carried with me all the way through college, through my 2 year break from education, through university and up until now. However, during the second year of university, it got worse, I can’t remember what sparked it, it might have been stress or it might have been getting a bad grade on an important assignment, but whatever it was, I begun having suicidal thoughts and, from then on, they come and go once every month or so.
The thoughts always have varying degrees, some times they are passing thoughts, sometimes I will conduct research in to methods, some times I will plan it and sometimes I will have my instruments of choice in front of me. The thing is, I don’t think I will ever have the courage to go through with it, in fact, on a number of occasions it is the only reason I haven’t done it. I’ve had these thoughts again tonight, they’ve subsided now but this brings me to the point of writing this, I’m a little scared. I’m a little scared that one day, maybe soon, maybe later, there will be a time when these thoughts come back and my desire to do it is going to be stronger of my fear of doing it. I guess the fact that I’m writing this means that in one way or another, I don’t want to die, but the fact that I need to write this means I’m not too keen on living either. I’m just tired of waiting for things to get better, but I keep promising myself they will. I guess I’m just looking for some advice? Or if anyone’s been in the same position?October 6, 2013 at 3:58 pm #43303MattParticipant
The thoughts about suicide are certainly negative, but your questions and feelings are not at all. It takes a lot of courage to open up about that, and thank you for reaching out. It might help to actually talk to someone, and there is a national hotline where you could speak to a compassionate soul. 1-800-273-8255. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Sometimes it can be difficult to heal old wounds. Some tragedy strike us, such as the bullying, and our sensitive heart gets torn. If we don’t know how to heal, or don’t have loved ones that help us, over time it can fester. It sounds like what has happened, and the depression may be a result. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy.
To heal from an old wound (which has probably become more of a pattern) we have to have a couple of conditions. First and most important, we have to refuel our warmth. Much like when we tear a vein we lose blood, and the loss makes us feel weak, when we suffer, our love leaks out. Usually its in cyclical thoughts, or “racing mind”, but it can also come up as a tastelessness or self apathy and others. To refuel, we self nurture. We take the time to be kind to ourselves and do things that remind us that we want to be happy. One of the best methods I know of is metta meditation. Consider checking out the following:
When we’ve spent a long time feeling cold, it can take a few days of practice before the warmth returns. Keep at it, if it interests you, for perhaps a week at least once per day, and most likely the inner warmth will return. Once it does, untangling the pattern is more like solving a puzzle than healing a crisis… it really makes a big difference. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and light.
MattOctober 6, 2013 at 5:34 pm #43313Alexey SunlyParticipant
Have you had the chance to go through this thread yet, Liam: Are YOU Having a REALLY TOUGH Time right now? Please, do so right away ❗
And Welcome to Tiny Buddha! 🙂October 7, 2013 at 3:23 am #43347LindsayParticipant
I totally understand where you are coming from. I had “passive” suicidal thoughts starting in middle school and lasted until upper 20s. Sometimes they got worse; sometimes they subsided. For a long time, I really believed that passive suicidal thoughts were totally normal. For me, things got worse before I got help (I was passively suicidal for about 15 years, and then actively suicidal for about 4 months… then I got on meds). These thoughts don’t just get better on their own. I thought they would eventually go away once I found a career I was happy in, once I found a city that I was happy in, once I improved my relationship with my family, etc. Nope. No matter how many cities I moved to trying to “find a place that I felt at home in,” it didn’t change. You need to be more proactive to get rid of the passive suicidal thoughts. So long as you are not actively suicidal though, I do truly believe it can be done without meds. And since you are asking for help here, you’re getting help way before I did which is good. So, some suggestions:
1) I know you’ll hate this suggestion, and you can ignore it, but find a therapist. It sounds like you went to one you didn’t click with. I’ve been there — and YES, a bad one makes it worse. (I’ve had several that I didn’t go back to after one session). BUT, there are LOTS of other therapists, with tons of different styles and personalities. You’ll probably need to meet with several to find one you like. But, once you find one you click with, it will be a big help. Also, the first session is always a little annoying because you are just getting the therapist caught up on what is going on with you.
2) I’m a fan of the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. It is THE book on cognitive therapy, which is designed to change your thought processes quickly, rather than rehashing childhood stuff. It’s a long book, but not difficult. It is essential to actually do the 3-column exercises, not just think about it. If you are adamantly against finding a therapist, at least try this book. My therapist recommended it to me, and I was so doubtful about some crap self-help book, that I checked it out at the library because I didn’t want to waste money buying it 🙂 I ended up buying it anyway because it’s pretty darn good.
3) Meditation has been really important to me. If you don’t know how to meditate (and even if you do), I think the books or lessons by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron are great. Meditation teaches you who you are, by observing your thoughts, observing your mind, and creates an appreciation for the person you are in this world. I prefer silent meditation, but a lot of people like guided meditation (loving-kindness meditations like Matt suggested are a good place to start.)
Things really can get better. But you do need to be proactive in changing your thought patterns and your view of the world and your relationship with yourself. Right now, they are all skewed. Good luck!October 7, 2013 at 4:07 am #43350AlpalParticipant
Hey liam ,
I can’t say that I ever really wanted to commit suicide if anything , that is the last thing that has ever been on my mind to do . I know its hard to be bullied I was bullied as a kid to, but you know these bullies are who teach you to be a strong amazing human being because you have been through things these people can’t go through. But listen , you are a part of the big plan , you were put on this planet for a reason you were given these amazing qualities you have for a reason and you have been put through those experiences for a reason , there is NO ONE in the world like you , only one liam so why give up this BEAUTIFUL mysterious gift that you have. Sure things might seem bad right now , but I’m sure if you look close enough you can see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. If you were to take away your own life , you might change our entire future , your being is so much more special than you can ever imagine trust me the smallest thing you do today might change mankind. What would’ve happened if Gandhi killed himself before he got to accomplish his goals? What if steve jobs decided he didn’t want to continue this beautiful journey before he even had the thought of the ipod/iphone/etc ? Life would not be the same, you have NO IDEA what beautiful thing life might drop on you one day , it’s a lot more beautiful to wait for the mystery. So don’t give up on life before the best part of it 😉 Suicide is not taking away a bad life, its taking the chance away for a better life.
I suggest though you do go and see a therapist because they can start talking to you all the way from the beginning which is where you will realize what exactly happened for you to want to do this
Second of all you should really start loving yourself and realizing that what happened to you made you this amazing strong human being that maybe one day will change the world and help those who were like you and had suicidal thoughts. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses its time you sat down with yourself and realized what yours are. Embrace your strengths and work on your weaknesses . Also you should watch funny movies and tv series that make you not take life too seriously , and try to watch/read/listen to inspirational things every morning and night (just go on google or youtube and search away) .
BE EXCITED for the change you WILL see in yourself and your life around you , and remember to count your blessings, and just the fact that you have family and friends is a blessing itself . Just imagine what your life will be like once you changed once you are ready to see beautiful things happen around you , and I guarantee you they will 😀October 7, 2013 at 5:48 am #43353JeffParticipant
Please, please, please reconsider going to a therapist. And absolutely rely on friends and family.
I’ve been in a place where I was so low that I believed suicide was the answer. I even tried, but fortunately it didn’t happen. I’ve learned a few things since then.
First– a good therapist is a must. I went through several before I found one that I had a rapport with. She has been one of the shining lights in my life and has helped (along with this site and other things) to turn me around. I’m not prfect, but I’m in a far better place and feel like I’m on the right path.
Second– talk to family and friends. You don’t have to go into all the details, but if they don’t know you’re struggling how can you expect any support. I admit that I’m a person who wears their emotions “out loud”. I’ve worked very hard the in the last 18 months to help erase the perception that depression is a “bad” thing. It isn’t. Depression is depression. It’s your mental mind telling you there are issues that need to be addressed so you can move forward down the path you were meant to take. Hiding it away serves no purpose. You feel worse because you have nobody to talk to and I promise you that family and friends will feel worse if you were to harm yourself and they were never given an opportunity to help and be by your side. Don’t underestimate how powerful friends and families can be in fighting depression.
Third– send me a message if you don’t think anyone else out there will listen. Use this site for inspiration. And look at some of the other sites out there that have forums for discussiing your depression. I promise you are not alone in your suffering and people want to help.
Please rethink what you might be considering. Find help. People will listen and help if you let them.October 7, 2013 at 8:05 am #43360LiamParticipant
Thanks for the support, very rarely am I one to share my problems, but sometimes it’s just good to vent and to know someone is listening, y’know. I’ll have a good think about going back to a therapy, but it’s something about which I’m really apprehensive, I wont go in to all the details but the one I went to a few years back, I told her that I felt like a failure for not being able to commit suicide and she just laughed, so I’m not super trusting of clinical psychologists really. I’ll try again to get back in to meditation, every time I’ve tried in the past my mind has just darted around to different things and I became really anxious, but I’ll see if sticking at it for a couple weeks will help. I’m not actually thinking about doing anything today, in fact I’m on an up day, it was nice to get some stuff off of my chest. Thanks again, really awesome knowing there are still caring people in the world and it helps knowing I’m not the only one that’s had these feelings. I’ve been reading a bit in to Buddhism and meditation this morning and a lot of it makes sense, I don’t understand a lot of it but something there speaks to me. I’m kind of feeling that I need a life reset as it were, I don’t know how it will go down but it’s nice to know there are people that will lend their ears if I need them.
Thanks again 🙂October 7, 2013 at 5:07 pm #43383LindsayParticipant
Ugh, Liam. You and I could share some bad therapist stories. She sounds AWFUL. One really bad one like that can make it REALLY hard to try going back. There are decent ones though. You kind of have to be willing to walk out the second something atrocious like that happens, which most people aren’t prepared for (who would be??). Online reviews are getting more and more common for doctors and therapists, so you might want to use that as a first step in screening.
I’m still navigating my way through meditation. And I plan to be for a long long time 🙂 and it’s actually okay for your mind to bounce around. Don’t get mad at yourself for it — your mind is doing EXACTLY what it has been trained to do! And doing a darn good job! Just recognize that you are thinking, and let the thought pass. I actually say to myself “thinking” and then let the thought float off like a balloon. Another surely pops up shortly after, but I do the same thing over and over again. You want to concentrate on your breath, but also just want to observe your mind. Even if your mind is running a million miles an hour. One of the best things I have learned is that there is no “bad sit.” You just keep learning about yourself.
I wish you well 🙂October 7, 2013 at 7:11 pm #43387Hernandez-SanchezParticipant
You are in the right place. Browse this site ,write a daily journal,follow the advices and exercises you read here every day and you will feel a bit better everiday.
If you keep this routine and dont stray from it you will feel better. Do not give up.November 1, 2013 at 9:08 am #44725RideetaParticipant
How are you now? here’s a few reasons why you should stay alive-
-a walk in the rain
-the taste of chocolate
-a kiss from the one you love
-hugs from your friends
-sitting under the sky in fill moon
lots and lots more.November 5, 2013 at 10:00 pm #44896louiseParticipant
dear liam are there any problems you have so big they cant be solved?are there any feelings you have that cant be changed?i ask this as a person whos life has fallen apart due to the suicide of my partner of 25yrs,the devastation it has left behind for me and his children is something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives,this is not meant as a condescending letter as I know how it is to feel suicidal as I am fighting with those thoughts everyday but my children are holding me to this existence.all im saying is that the people who love you and there will be people who do no matter what you might think,will be so saddened to know that you feel like this and have never talked to them about it,talk to them give them a chance to fight for your right to live and be happy please that’s all I ask and if you still feel that life is unbearable at least you gave it a chance.suicide solves nothing it just passes one persons pain to another peron or people so please talk to someone what have you got to lose?theyll be gratefull because they’ve got you to lose .keep safe thinking of you,,,,November 12, 2013 at 3:26 am #45164PicklesParticipant
I’ve been suffering from severe depression for a long time, I’m beginning to emotionally shutdown, the good feelings and the bad feelings, all these thoughts of suicide came through my mind, I never had the courage to do it, I just stopped eating and drinking good amount of water and I ended up in hospital, suffering more, worrying everyone, made everyone around me sad, when I thought they will be happy for my sickness, now I don’t say that everyone loved me, but I’m certain that there are some people in this world who care, even if they were few. Taking your life won’t cause anyone damage but you, you don’t need more damage, you need to talk, be heard, be a person full of love and be loved, believe it or not, some people will listen to you, talk to you and try to take your pain away.
Just think about repairing yourself from within, you can’t change people but you can change yourself and your life to the better, better for you, not for anyone else, and that’s not selfish, because you need the care of yourself to yourself more than anyone else.
I hope this helps you, and we’re always here to listen.