August 19, 2013 at 6:24 pm #40781
I recently just posted this as a solution to worrying about and ex being with someone else yet I can’t seem to take me own advice:
Kim, I am dealing with the same exact thoughts after a 7 year break up. I’m imagining him with a trainer from his gym and creating a whole scenario in my head about the two of them. It’s causing me anxiety, restlessness and heart ache. Why am I exerting and wasting energy on this? We do this as woman. I’ve come to realize this amongst my crazy thoughts; one, thought is scarier than the reality, two if he moves on that quickly I deserve better. Eventually a time will come where both he and you move on, but we can’t sit around and imagine it now, it’s not good for us. A friend gave me some good advice that what ever we are feeling will go through us, we are transparent. Accept how you at this exact moment, don’t fight it and trust the journey of heart ache and heart break.
“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus
I can give this advice yet I feel today in my soul my ex is dating other people. I’m totally making this up in my head and have anxiety running through me. I’ve tried yoga to calm me down and many other things, but it keeps popping up in my head, why? This is not the first time it’s happened and won’t be the last. How do I make it stop? I feel like a crazy person imagining this. As the each days comes to an end I think I get stronger yet to wake up and it happens all over again. I’m reading two self healp books and I’m just frustrated with these things I’m thinking and feeling. Help.August 19, 2013 at 7:22 pm #40786
There is the painfulness in grieving, that is enough! Then you beat yourself up for your feelings! As though there is some lack in you that causes them to arise! We all grieve when we experience loss, self help books or not.
Once a well respected Buddhist teacher received a phone call that his mother had passed away. One of his students asked if that disturbed his peace. His answer was “of course I’m suffering, she was my mother!” We can’t run or hide from grief, and it only adds another layer when we self criticize.
For the fantasy, perhaps you could make space around it. Let the fantasy be there. Try not to chase it down, but notice it there, notice the pain there. “Wow, this vision of him with a woman is painful, vibrating in my head and heart.” Then wish him well. “May he find joy, peace and love.” It may be through gritted teeth at first, but keep at it. If you can steer into the pain in such a way, the attachment to him will weaken, and eventually the fantasy will have warmth instead of pain.
MattAugust 19, 2013 at 8:02 pm #40796
Your words make everything appear so easy! I don’t know how you do it! 🙂August 20, 2013 at 11:38 am #40842
It’s easy to give the opinion to another person because we are not intimately involved in the situation and have no agenda. Not quite the same when it comes to taking your own advice! I feel the same way. It’s really easy to look and see that a person needs to alow themselves time to heal, or that they are causing themselves pain, or whatever. But I’m able to convince myself that my particualr situation is “different” even when it really isn’t. I’m sure its part of why I struggle with letting go 14 months after my wife left, but I can give words of comfort to someone in the same situation.
Best of luck.August 20, 2013 at 1:59 pm #40852
What about the saying “If you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best?”August 20, 2013 at 2:28 pm #40855
I think that phrase can be used as an excuse not to honor how “our worst” is painful for others. Said differently, our worst isn’t something that just “is”. Its more like “if our intimacy cannot recover from my worst, then it can’t.” Handle/deserve… more like the “worst” disrupts the intimacy, which both have to respond to.
MattAugust 20, 2013 at 9:47 pm #40888
I’m the same way. I can give advice, see things so clearly and objectively when helping someone else but when it comes to me taking my own advice, it’s so hard. Work in progress! 🙂