Sassy,

There is the painfulness in grieving, that is enough! Then you beat yourself up for your feelings! As though there is some lack in you that causes them to arise! We all grieve when we experience loss, self help books or not.

Once a well respected Buddhist teacher received a phone call that his mother had passed away. One of his students asked if that disturbed his peace. His answer was “of course I’m suffering, she was my mother!” We can’t run or hide from grief, and it only adds another layer when we self criticize.

For the fantasy, perhaps you could make space around it. Let the fantasy be there. Try not to chase it down, but notice it there, notice the pain there. “Wow, this vision of him with a woman is painful, vibrating in my head and heart.” Then wish him well. “May he find joy, peace and love.” It may be through gritted teeth at first, but keep at it. If you can steer into the pain in such a way, the attachment to him will weaken, and eventually the fantasy will have warmth instead of pain.

With warmth,
Matt

It’s easy to give the opinion to another person because we are not intimately involved in the situation and have no agenda. Not quite the same when it comes to taking your own advice! I feel the same way. It’s really easy to look and see that a person needs to alow themselves time to heal, or that they are causing themselves pain, or whatever. But I’m able to convince myself that my particualr situation is “different” even when it really isn’t. I’m sure its part of why I struggle with letting go 14 months after my wife left, but I can give words of comfort to someone in the same situation.

Best of luck.

Sassy,

I think that phrase can be used as an excuse not to honor how “our worst” is painful for others. Said differently, our worst isn’t something that just “is”. Its more like “if our intimacy cannot recover from my worst, then it can’t.” Handle/deserve… more like the “worst” disrupts the intimacy, which both have to respond to.

With warmth,
Matt