August 20, 2013 at 6:51 am #40821
It’s been 1 month. The pain is still there, though not as harsh as it was. I’ve had days of feeling OK and then days (especially Sunday) of just laying on the couch having a pity party watching TV all day. A few things have happened. Yesterday, thinking I was ready, I ventured onto one of the online dating sites. I had been on one before last year when he broke up the first time, didn’t really like it but it could’ve just been that particular site. I created a profile just so I could look to see who was out there. Did a search…..and there he was, the Ex. My heart sank, I felt sick, I was literally shaking. All the convincing myself that he wasn’t interested in a relationship was completely thrown out the window. So I did what may have been a mistake or maybe not…I sent him a text just putting things out there that I was wondering about. I didn’t tell him I saw him on the site. He responded and we have decided to meet tonight to talk in person rather than the back and forth texting. I don’t know what this is going to do for me. Yesterday I was feeling good about getting together and that I wasn’t expecting or wanting to get back together. Of course I didn’t sleep but 2 hours last night, and this morning my stomach is in knots. Because if I am honest with myself, at this point in my recovery….I still want him back and want to try and make it work. I am stuck back in that hole of thinking He is the only one I want and I don’t want to look anymore. So my two questions are 1) How can I effectively have this conversation tonight and come out of it the strong person I’ve been working on and 2) Am I ready to get out there again and start looking? Or am I doing it just because I’ve seen that he is wanting to date. And even though I haven’t really talked to anyone on the site, I’ve paid for 3 months and there are a few that looked OK. So of course I don’t want to ruin those chances.August 20, 2013 at 7:27 am #40824SassypantsParticipant
Kim, I totally sympathize with you. I know you want to see him and for things to change. If your not over him like you’re saying then it’s going to be hard to go and see him and talk to get the same results. As long as you go in knowing that it might set you back, go ahead. Just think about the place you texted him from, it was fear. Wouldn’t you rather wait and text him from a place of love? I will be thinking you and your decision. You know what’s right for you. Please keep me posted.August 20, 2013 at 11:30 am #40840JimParticipant
I’ve had two marriages crumble. In both cases my wife left me and quickly got involved in a new relationship. At the time I was in your position, believing that she was the only person for me. I couldn’t sleep. My stomach was in knots. It was hell. Meditation and the concepts of impermanence and suffering caused by attachment helped me get beyond this thinking.
Take some time to reconnect with yourself and with other relationships (friends, family etc). You will get through this. If somebody has caused you this much hurt, are they worth it?
I’m happy to say, after over a year since my split, I am involved in a new relationship with a truly wonderful person. I believe that these experiences, as painful as they were, have made me a better person and by not rushing into a new relationship, allowed me to be ready for when the right person came along.
Best of luck.
JimAugust 20, 2013 at 11:31 am #40841JeffParticipant
Perhaps meeting will help you to vlear the air, but don’te surprised if it creates more hurt. What are your expectations of the meeting? Get back together? Get closure? Something else? What you expect will go a long way toward what you will feel.
As for being ready to date again- In my opinion, no, you are not ready. Look at all the red flags you threw out there. “My heart sank, I felt sick, I was literally shaking.” And “I still want him back and want to try and make it owrk. I am stuck back in that hole of thinking he is the only one I want and I don’t want to look anymore.” If you try to date again while you are in this condition, one of a couple things will likely happen. You will have a rebound type fling that will make you feel even worse, or you will constantly compare whoever you date to the old BF. Regardless, dating right now is a disservice to you and to whoever tries to date you. They deserve someone willing to put themselves into working on a new relationship or they will feel like they have been used.
Let yourself heal first. Worry about you.August 20, 2013 at 12:19 pm #40846
We were supposed to meet at my house tonight to talk about things. I just received this text from him “Hey Im not going to come over this evening. Ive got a ton of stuff to do before my trip and its not going to change anything. You are a nice person but we are just not meant for each other. Im not going down this road again. If you never want to talk again I understand and I am sorry.” And quite honestly, no I don’t want to ever talk to him again. If he is such a coward and POS that he can’t grant me the courtesy of clearing things up then he isn’t worth my time or any sadness I may have. I haven’t responded to his text and not sure if I even will. He agreed that the lack of communication hurt our relationship yet here he is not willing to communicate. I’m actually glad that we are not meeting. I’ve been nervous about it all day and especially about seeing him again.
As far as the dating thing goes, I’m probably going to try and wait.August 20, 2013 at 1:44 pm #40850SassypantsParticipant
I think those are both wise choices. May peace be with you Kim.August 20, 2013 at 3:25 pm #40857KeoniParticipant
Aloha Kim, I am new to this forum but I wanted to reply to your post. I am going through a very similar breakup and experience right now. And like you, I decided to venture onto a free dating website and just see what I could find. Within 5 minutes of surfing around, I also found my ex fiancee and her profile. I fell to the floor, I couldn’t breathe, I cried, and felt so hurt and angry. She told me that she wasn’t ready to date anyone or even consider looking around. In fact, she was painting a very different picture for me in one hand, and was already dating someone else in the other. Unfortunately my ex fiancee is also very codependent and doesn’t know how to be single. So in a way it was shock, but on the other hand I knew it was probably going to happen the way it did.
Try to do the best you can to stay out of a space of anger and blame. We all process break up’s differently, and there are no rules to have this process works. I will tell you though, if you still have emotional attachment to your ex like I do, dating won’t help. At least not this soon. If you go on a date and all you can do is think of your ex, or how your date compares to your ex, etc. it’s not fair to them or you. You’ll probably only end up getting more hurt than you did when you started. Dating should be fun, exciting, uncertain, and mysterious. That can’t happen when we are still processing our breakup and thoughts of our ex.
I know how bad this part sucks, but detaching is absolutely essential. Block the texts, emails, instant messages, social networking sites, everything! It doesn’t have to be permanent, but at least until both of you can think of each other and not get emotionally wrapped up. I always say, “if I can think of my ex being with someone else, and not get emotional or upset, then that’s a good indicator that’s long enough.” It’s so hard to do, but it has helped big time!
Hang in there Kim! Do what you have to do to get through this tough time, but always focus on detaching and letting go.
KeoniAugust 20, 2013 at 4:56 pm #40860jenParticipant
My heart absolutely goes out to you. I randomly came across this searching for other things on the web. I, too, went through a breakup about 1.5 weeks ago. Our circumstances were very different from the ones you had, but I want to let you know that posting on here is such a wonderful thing to do! There are already people out there who you don’t know personally who are pulling for you and sending you the best energy.
I’ve struggled to come to terms with my situation – the best I’ve come up with is that – while it’s hard to let him go – it’s mostly hard to let my expectations and attachments go. The idea that I had potentially found the person I was going to marry…all that jazz. I’m assuming that sounds familiar.
I loved the thing someone said about texting someone out of love. Have you done reiki? I have a really trusted reiki master who has gotten me through my harder times. Please reach out again if you are feeling rocky. From the little I understand, guys don’t want to hurt girls, but their behavior sometimes does because girls are so different in their needs!
One book that has also been helpful to me throughout my dating life has been Osho’s Intimacy. Sending my best healing energy,
JenAugust 21, 2013 at 4:00 am #40900Buddhist WifeParticipant
“I’ve struggled to come to terms with my situation – the best I’ve come up with is that – while it’s hard to let him go – it’s mostly hard to let my expectations and attachments go. The idea that I had potentially found the person I was going to marry…all that jazz. I’m assuming that sounds familiar.”
I think that is a really good insight Jen and gets to the core of what is difficult about most break-ups.August 22, 2013 at 6:53 am #40979
Jen, that is exactly how I feel. I took him back with the promises and expectations of that future. I have always been a bit of a jealous person and I know that has to do with how I feel about myself. So seeing him dating (or looking to date) pulls at those jealousy feelings.