Buddhist Wife

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    Buddhist Wife

    I think perhaps you have just not met the right person yet.

    To me a relationship is hard work, but it’s hard work you enjoy. So as an example, if you like gardening, that’s hard work but you enjoy it and it’s worth it.

    If you get to the stage where you are feeling ‘Oh no this is horrible work I don’t want to do’ then to me that’s not quite what you are looking for.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hi Marie Butler,

    Really sorry to hear what has happened.

    Is there anyway you can walk with someone else and their dog?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hi Jane,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having some troubles.

    In my opinion, it depends on what you mean by ‘checking out’. This is a broad term and can cover a lot of behaviours, some of which seem reasonable to me and others which are not.

    Personally I feel that if your boyfriend is just looking at other women, just looking, that this is normal behaviour and it’s not reasonable to expect him to stop. It’s a biological impulse after all. I feel that asking him to stop this would be like asking him to not feel hungry when he sees tasty food.

    I worry about your statement

    “but something inside me, a powerful, beautiful, creative woman that wants the best, and only the best, keeps telling me that even if it is what the NORM does, it is not something I want to accept.”

    because I think you could end up lonely if you stick to this. I’ve never met a heterosexual man who didn’t look at other women.

    To my mind, when my husband looks at other women, it’s nothing to do with me. He’s just appreciating an attractive women. It doesn’t take away from his feelings for me, it doesn’t insult me or make me lesser. It’s just something he does.

    Of course, it depends how far your boyfriends behaviour goes. Is he flirting with other women?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Laia,

    Congratulations on completing your studies.

    I think it’s a positive thing to be humble and to feel that you don’t have all the answers, particularly in your chosen profession. This means you are keeping an open mind.

    Will this new project stop you from taking on any clients? If not perhaps you could see clients part time? Perhaps the way forward is just to get on with it, within limits. You could tell yourself you are going to try seeing clients for six months and then review how you feel about the situation. I really think that confidence comes with experience.

    Best of luck.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Sajal,

    Thank you for replying.

    I can only speak about what I have learned from my own tradition, which is Tibetan Buddhism. I was taught that it is possible to achieve liberation even in the life of a householder. So I don’t think that a person has to let go of the things of this world in order to achieve liberation.

    However everyone’s path is different.

    I feel under-qualified to give you any advice in this area. What you are seeking is pretty much the essence of spirituality, and I am no guru!

    Do you meditate?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello LDR,

    It’s hard isn’t it when you don’t trust your own perception.

    I guess it’s all in the presentation. I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask your partner to spend more then a 5 rushed minutes on the phone. It seems to me, reasonable that you could expect more. Not every day of course and not during super busy periods, but at least once or twice a week.

    You don’t have to make it about being doubtful or being suspicious, you can just make it about the fact you want more quality time with him. Do you think that would work?

    I’m afraid I can’t help you with the negative thoughts, but hopefully someone else here can.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Sajal,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are troubled.

    Life in the city can be very hard. Things move so fast and it can feel very impersonal.

    Do you have a spiritual adviser? Someone you can talk to in person about this issue?

    Unfortunately I am not familiar with the term Maya or Moksha so I don’t understand what you are saying there.

    I wish I could help you more.

    I wish you peace.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello LDR,

    Sorry to hear what is happening and that you are upset.

    It seems to me that you are handling it all very sensibly. Do you think you can raise the issue again calmly. Perhaps you can ask him to call you when he gets back from dinner or whatever so he has more time?

    I hope you find peace.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Kaycey,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering.

    I’m not sure that I understand what you are saying however. It seems to me that you are saying you were born a white person (male or female?) but that you identify as an Asian male? Or am I completely wrong? Perhaps I have misunderstood.

    What is holding you back at the moment from moving from where you currently live?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Shubha,

    Sorry to hear you are feeling down.

    I think it is important to look at all criticism objectively. Even constructive criticism which is offered with a loving heart is only one persons opinion. So just because a person says something doesn’t mean it is true.

    Also sometimes those who love us and have known us a long time have very strong and fixed ideas of who we are as a person. Sometimes they fail to notice the changes in us or that their ideas are actually misguided.

    So what I’m asking is, do you think that the criticisms people make of you are fair and accurate? If they are not, why are you taking them on board?

    It also seems that you and your husband have a lot to discuss about your household and how it is run. Inevitably each person has their own standards and ideas about how a home should work and these can clash in a marriage.

    Have you and your husband discussed who should do each particular duty in your home?

    It seems to me that a more pressing issue between you and your husband is his respect for you and the way you treat each other, which seems to have broken down a bit. Have you told him how you feel about this situation?

    I wish you peace and happiness.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Seeker,

    I’m always a bit cautious about the concept of deserving things. We are flawed human beings and I think if you wait for a time when you are ‘good enough’ in your own eyes to deserve nice things then you will be waiting a long time!

    It seems like your relationship with your ex was not healthy for either of you so what you decided to do was for the best.

    I wish you happiness.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Cindy,

    I’m really sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have an anxiety disorder as well, so I can sympathise with how devastating it can be.

    What, if any, treatment are you receiving at the moment?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Roxanne,

    Unfortunately life rarely works out that neatly.

    The fact he is in a relationship and you are not is not a reflection on you. It doesn’t mean you are ‘not good enough’.

    You are good enough.

    Do you think you are really ready to be in another relationship when you still have such complicated feelings towards your Ex?

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Lisa,

    I am very sorry to hear this development. I wish I could give you a big hug. I wish there were something I could do to help you with the pain.

    I hope that as well as reaching out to us here, you will reach out to others in your life. I really hope that you have a friend or relative that you can rely on to help you through this.

    I think your husband is being incredibly cruel with his statement about wanting to discuss things ‘without drama’. It seems to me that this is his way of trying to emotionally check out of all the fall out from this divorce and that he is denying you your right to speak. HOWEVER, I do think in the long run, in a strange way, this will work out better for you. You seem to get absolutely nothing from him emotionally and nothing seems to register with him. I think you could waste a lot of time and energy railing against this man for what he has done – and get nothing in return.

    Please take care of yourself and give yourself the love and attention that you deserve.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Amal,

    I’m sorry to hear about all the troubles in your life. I hope you have been able to turn things around and that you are in a better place now.

    I guess Amal you will never know unless you contact her. I presume that you must have someway to get in touch, Facebook or whatever? So what is stopping you from saying ‘Hello’.

    I think it is important to remember two things. Firstly that you are all very very young and at your age people grow and change very rapidly.

    I also think it is important not to romanticise the past.. Many times I have seen people form an idealised vision of someone they are out of contact with, because in fantasy they can become everything that person wants or needs.

    So if you do contact her try to keep your expectations realistic.

    I’m not sure there is any thing you can do or say that will help – other then being your authentic self. Be honest and open with her.

    I wish you all the best Amal.

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