- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.
September 11, 2013 at 4:05 am #42038
I’m still trying to figure out exactly where my sadness and feelings of desperation started. I was in a “happy” marriage even though we were no longer intimate in many ways. I was always frustrated that he hadn’t matured in the 10 years we were married. In fact, he leaned on me more and more each year, and didn’t give back; forgetting birthdays, Christmas, withdrawing, drinking, not touching me, not engaging in our problems. With a child on the autism spectrum, I wondered sometimes who was tougher to manage, my husband or my beloved daughter. Tack on a high-pressure job, I was pretty thread bare. BUT i can’t figure out exactly when I started feeling suicidal. And I can’t figure out when I felt like the only way to survive was to end my marriage with a person I still REALLY like, and in some ways love.
I have horrible guilt that after I broke things off, I never missed him, while he was shattered without me. I don’t know if I loved him the way I’ve loved others but I’ve come to realize that I married him to feel “safe” after a horrible childhood. I did love him but that love receded into a cold, distant place that I could no longer find.
My once-husband is now my ex-husband. He’s happy and in love, and I am so happy for him. We haven’t been together in 3 years. I’m now dating a wonderful man, who was my childhood sweetheart. He gets me on a level no one ever has before. To sound trite, he’s my soul-mate. I didn’t believe in that concept before.
BUT even though I love “us” dearly, I have a pocket of sadness that I can’t release. I feel like a terrible person who shouldn’t be allowed to love after abandoning my ex.
Is this guilt normal? Will I heal someday on my own, with time?September 11, 2013 at 5:25 am #42041MattParticipant
It might someday heal on its own, but you’re in the process of squeezing it. 🙂 I’m sorry for the feeling of shame and guilt you’re experiencing, I know how painful that can be. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
You didn’t abandon him, you freed him. You can already see how he had stagnated and the intimacy had gone cold. Relationships aren’t meant to be an endurance trial, and when they have become so, they are not good for either person. Perhaps you two could have worked out your differences and rekindled something, but your heart didn’t want that. That is not only OK, it is incredibly important to honor.
It is the heart that leads us on our path toward joy. When you look at the results of your courage, you see that the results are beautiful. You made a hard call, a tough choice, and did it well. Bravo! Perhaps all you need is a little forgiveness for yourself, for the pain and frustration you felt leading up to the choice. “I forgive you, seeker, for whatever conditions were present back then, and thank you for the lessons learned. May we have healing, peace, and joy. I forgive you, ex, for whatever conditions were present back then, and thank you for the lessons learned. May we have healing, peace, and joy.”
Namaste, may you find love and light.
MattSeptember 11, 2013 at 5:28 am #42043Buddhist WifeParticipant
I’m always a bit cautious about the concept of deserving things. We are flawed human beings and I think if you wait for a time when you are ‘good enough’ in your own eyes to deserve nice things then you will be waiting a long time!
It seems like your relationship with your ex was not healthy for either of you so what you decided to do was for the best.
I wish you happiness.September 11, 2013 at 6:44 am #42044
I wish you could know what your comments mean to me. Thank you, Matt.September 11, 2013 at 7:08 am #42045SaraParticipant
I am SO proud of you!! In a way of course that is woman to woman, that you have done one of the hardest things there is to do on this human journey–you thought about your own happiness and you rid yourself of what felt toxic. So many women never get there in their lifetime. As women, we are nurturers and in many ways are taught by society and longstanding learned behaviors that it is frowned upon to think of ourselves. Whenever you feel guilt and shame, talk to yourself. Ask yourself if others are shaming and guilting you for this decision or if this is a product of your own inside voices. In most cases, we are always hardest on ourselves. We also tend to ignore really big signs like feeling suicidal and miserable all the time. We can use those powerful indicators as motivators for change. After all, that is our gut and intuition talking to us. Listen. Matt, the first responder, is so wise, and he always has the right things to say. I adore him! Keep the unnecessary and negative feelings at bay by always checking in with yourself. Both you and your ex are now happier than you ever were in the previous position. Because each of you are happier, you have more attention and space to give to your daughter. What a wonderful gift. I was never given that by my parents, who are still unhappily married! 🙂 Remember to be your own best friend. Would you shame and guilt your best friend for ending a marriage to be happier? I’m assuming not. You are all you have in the end. Love fiercely, forgive freely, and stay in this moment. This moment is all we have. No past, no future. If you are in a good place now, your hard work has paid off. xoxoSeptember 12, 2013 at 8:03 am #42110
Thank you!September 12, 2013 at 8:05 am #42111
Sara, to hear someone say they are proud of me for these decisions, well, I got very emotional. Thank you for your kind words. xxooSeptember 12, 2013 at 9:58 am #42125AnonymousInactive
Oh seeker! It takes so much courage to make the decision you had. Like Sara, I am also proud of you, it’s a hard thing to do. There is so much fantastic advice on this site, just soak up the positive, and practice self love. Good luck with everything xo <3