September 14, 2013 at 4:46 am #42222ShubhaParticipant
Yes I am….I’ve started hating myself now. I was searching on google on how to think positively, and came across this forum, which seemed to be quite interesting.
My problem is, everybody always criticizes me. Be it my husband, my mother in law, my father, my colleagues in office, anybody. All are having there own points on criticizing me. Now instead of improving myself on this criticism, I am deteriorating myself, my inner self. I have started thinking that if i am so bad, there is no point of my birth. Why has God given me this birth. This negative thought is getting imposed on my mind, heart day by day, and always sleep at night crying. I am currently having a very stress full life…life too busy, not getting enough time for myself. I have lots of hobbies, creative hobbies, and i want to get engaged in those hobbies…but lack of time, and my mood swings dont allow me doing that either. Then recently, i thought of writing a diary. I had read since my childhood, and heard from my teachers, my family, that a diary can be your best friend, provided that you are honest with it. I am scared of this. If i am honest with my diary, and if my husband somehow manages to read it, then he would feel very bad.
I am married since past 3 years, and ever since i’ve got married to this man, i can say that I am happy 40%. the reason being for 50% is some of the good moments that we have shared with each other. Rest 60% are criticism that i’ve ever received from him, saying that i dont cook good, i dont keep the house clean, and if now i cannot keep the house clean, what will happen when we have kids…now i’ve started feeling, if only this is my duty and responsibility, i dont want to have kids of my own…i’ve never had a moment in past 3 years when we had sat and talked about our future, our romantic moments, nothing. He has all the time to gossip with his brothers and sisters whole night, but no time for me…this makes me frustrated…whenever we sit and talk, his brother calls him up, and i get frustrated again on their endless talks and gossips. I have thus started hating myself, my life…please help me out to bring my inner piece back…i dont want to have medical problems due to this which might get created.
ThanksSeptember 14, 2013 at 6:29 am #42226Buddhist WifeParticipant
Sorry to hear you are feeling down.
I think it is important to look at all criticism objectively. Even constructive criticism which is offered with a loving heart is only one persons opinion. So just because a person says something doesn’t mean it is true.
Also sometimes those who love us and have known us a long time have very strong and fixed ideas of who we are as a person. Sometimes they fail to notice the changes in us or that their ideas are actually misguided.
So what I’m asking is, do you think that the criticisms people make of you are fair and accurate? If they are not, why are you taking them on board?
It also seems that you and your husband have a lot to discuss about your household and how it is run. Inevitably each person has their own standards and ideas about how a home should work and these can clash in a marriage.
Have you and your husband discussed who should do each particular duty in your home?
It seems to me that a more pressing issue between you and your husband is his respect for you and the way you treat each other, which seems to have broken down a bit. Have you told him how you feel about this situation?
I wish you peace and happiness.September 14, 2013 at 7:05 am #42227SaraParticipant
Hi sweet Shubha,
I am so sorry to hear that life feels a bit unkind right now. I have been there, and it is so easy to let ourselves fall through the rabbit hole of unhappiness and low self esteem. It is difficult to give advice on the topics of marriage and self esteem without knowing personal value systems and beliefs. But one thing I have always heard from my dearest friends, and I would offer them the same advice, is don’t stay in any relationship that is not nurturing, respectful, and loving. I know that is easier said than done, and it takes a lot of thought and soul searching. I want you to know that there is an online journal website that you can use to have a diary. It is: penzu.com you can create a FREE online journal that is password protected! I have a penzu journal, because I type faster than I handwrite. I love it.
The most important things that I have learned on my journal toward better self esteem are following. Keep in mind that I identify myself as a codependent. If you haven’t heard much about codependence, you might research the topic to see if you identify with any of it. I learned that relied on other people for my happiness and my identity. And unfortunately, I relied on toxic people for these things therefore I became completely toxic inside. I had to let the toxic people go in my life, with time, and then had to start from square one with my own identity. I learned that no one can give us self esteem, self love, and self belief but ourselves. In order to gain this, I had to spend time alone with myself to figure out who I am, what was my value system, what did I like to do/hate to do, who did I want to surround myself with/who not, what makes me happy/depressed. I literally had to sit down and talk to myself. 🙂 Thing is, when you make the decision to be your own best friend, you become somewhat untouchable to the harsh criticisms of others. This is because you learn to believe that you are an amazingly lovable, loving, and loved human being. I agree with Buddhist Wife that it is always important to hear other’s “criticism”, but take what makes sense and what you can grow from and leave the rest on them. And if the criticism is an attack against your character, then all of it is nonsense and none of it is helpful. I have had to learn that some people are just not going to like me during this lifetime. And that’s okay because I love myself and believe I am following my true path. The second thing of importance is boundary setting. Ugh, I know. This one was/is hard for me. This is what is described as telling people they will not talk about you that way, they will not attack you in your own home. This is telling people that if they don’t have kindness to offer you, they can stay away then. We MUST protect ourselves. If we don’t protect ourselves, who will? We cannot rely on anybody to do that for us. We also cannot rely on anyone to stop spewing their venom onto us if we don’t tell them that it is unacceptable. Boundary setting is hard to do when we have let it go on so long. But it’s never too late to start. You are wise to think about bringing children into the world before you are in a place of happiness. I was born to parents who do not like each other, nor their marriage. I have needed some serious work to overcome that. Good on you for thinking seriously about this. Many people bring children into the world thinking it might change things or make the situation better once a cute, cuddly, baby comes along. It just doesn’t. Without rambling on, I will summarize. Learn yourself. Make the time for your hobbies, whether it means you wake up an hour earlier, you bring stuff on your work lunch break, or you commit to the hour before you go to bed. Commit to your happiness. Don’t let people push you around anymore. Tell them that this will not happen anymore, or you will move forward without them. Only say that if you mean it though. Otherwise, don’t absorb the comments and negativity. Chances are extremely high that these people have just as low if not lower self esteem and self love than you do. Therefore their only means of protection is reassuring themselves with delusions that other people are worse than they are. It’s their own crap. Let it stay on them. Depending on how you view a marriage, expect cooperation from your partner. If he doesn’t like your cooking, then he can cook his own dinner. If he can’t appreciate your work, then he can do it himself so it is to his liking. Sometimes we just need to hear from others that it doesn’t have to be this way, and that this isn’t normal. Trust your gut. Women are so lucky to have been gifted with an intuition. Use it! Okay, those are my pieces of wisdom and food for thought. Know that whatever you choose, I support you in. And I send you love, peace, and hope. xoxoSeptember 14, 2013 at 4:47 pm #42239LindsayParticipant
It sounds like there are a couple fundamental problems here that are all curled up together and that is going to make it difficult (but entirely possible!) to sort out.
You seem to get a LOT of criticism from the people in your life, which can mean several possibilities:
(1) You maybe grew up in a toxic household and you are drawn to toxic people because you are so comfortable with it. You said your father criticizes you all the time. Has he always done this? Does he also criticize your mother all the time? Does she just accept this? Is that what you grew up understanding was “normal”? If so, you are repeating your history. You might hate it, but you are comfortable with it, and don’t know how to break away from it. This will likely require therapy. Start with a cognitive therapist, which focuses on changing the thoughts that are bothering you NOW and then will work on the other family history stuff once your immediate depression and low self-worth eases up. If you can’t afford therapy, get a book by Dr. David Burns called Feeling Good. (I was VERY reluctant to get it, but it was surprisingly helpful).
(2) You may be defining your self-worth on how you THINK other people perceive you. If you are getting the impression that other people are dissatisfied with you, then you will be dissatisfied with yourself. Unfortunately, self-worth and self-love has start with YOU. Without self-love, you run into boundary issues (which another post above talks about so I won’t repeat). It is internal self-worth that allows you to calmly say “No, you cannot speak to me like that.” A website you might want to look at: http://www.self-compassion.org. I only recently discovered it, so I haven’t gone through all of it but it is promising so far.
(3) You might be selectively hearing only the bad things your husband says and not take notice of the good things. You seem to really value what people SAY. It sounds like your love language (from the book: the 5 love languages) is spoken words. If you have a solid and good marriage to a good man, he may not realize that his words have such a profound impact on you. Words might not have much impact on him; his love language could be acts of service. If so, you are misreading each other and misinterpreting each other. You need to get on the same page. The Five Love Languages is pretty good to read. It is really Christian-based, and I’m not Christian. But, it had some good info. Also, Feeling Good has a chapter on how to better communicate which would probably help you and your husband get on the same page. Better communication is a slow road though and it’s best if he’s willing to read both of these books (or the chapters) too. This may only work if you aren’t in an emotionally abusive or toxic relationship. But it will still be helpful for you to gain perspective.
If you want other books or websites to check out, let me know. Good luck!September 15, 2013 at 9:21 pm #42296ShubhaParticipant
Hi to all, and thanks so much for the reply that i got from you all. Well, as you said Lindsay, there are times when my husband says good about me too….but now i’ve got habitual of hearing bad things about me…i just cannot digest when i hear something good about me….i am more happy when i hear bad about me, rather than something good….whenever he has something good to say about me, i always ask him to keep mum, as it is beyond my tolerance limit…well, i may be behaving a bit weird, but this is how i’ve become in past few years…regarding my father, he never criticizes me….but yeah, only when i am wrong, and that too in a positive way….when i am totally down, i start hating myself, my life….but when i think with a cool mind, i feel that whatever people around me are saying, is just because they love me, respect me, care for me. I know, and very well understand this fact….but trouble is, i am feeling very lo and lonely these days….i dont have friends with whom i can talk, share my every bit of things…those i had, are happily married and settled in their own life, and dont want to trouble them. So, i went through this site, and came up with an idea to share my frustration here….it was a bit relaxing though, like talking to anyone….thanks for all your suggestions, which i appreciate a lot…October 12, 2013 at 6:49 pm #43671David L JohnsonParticipant
A dear women friend of mine used to enjoy coming over to my place. Tonight she shared her anger about me with me. I was told how toxic I v’e become. How I make her feel anxious. that I am too controlling, self centered, manipulative to a point where she would rather not come over and see me anymore. How do I make changes when I know I have deep seated issues? I know I can’t change over night, but how do I start? I like her company, and to think of not seeing her again because of me and my personal behavior challenges would be devastating. I’m ready to change. But how?