Hi sweet Shubha,

I am so sorry to hear that life feels a bit unkind right now. I have been there, and it is so easy to let ourselves fall through the rabbit hole of unhappiness and low self esteem. It is difficult to give advice on the topics of marriage and self esteem without knowing personal value systems and beliefs. But one thing I have always heard from my dearest friends, and I would offer them the same advice, is don’t stay in any relationship that is not nurturing, respectful, and loving. I know that is easier said than done, and it takes a lot of thought and soul searching. I want you to know that there is an online journal website that you can use to have a diary. It is: penzu.com you can create a FREE online journal that is password protected! I have a penzu journal, because I type faster than I handwrite. I love it.
The most important things that I have learned on my journal toward better self esteem are following. Keep in mind that I identify myself as a codependent. If you haven’t heard much about codependence, you might research the topic to see if you identify with any of it. I learned that relied on other people for my happiness and my identity. And unfortunately, I relied on toxic people for these things therefore I became completely toxic inside. I had to let the toxic people go in my life, with time, and then had to start from square one with my own identity. I learned that no one can give us self esteem, self love, and self belief but ourselves. In order to gain this, I had to spend time alone with myself to figure out who I am, what was my value system, what did I like to do/hate to do, who did I want to surround myself with/who not, what makes me happy/depressed. I literally had to sit down and talk to myself. 🙂 Thing is, when you make the decision to be your own best friend, you become somewhat untouchable to the harsh criticisms of others. This is because you learn to believe that you are an amazingly lovable, loving, and loved human being. I agree with Buddhist Wife that it is always important to hear other’s “criticism”, but take what makes sense and what you can grow from and leave the rest on them. And if the criticism is an attack against your character, then all of it is nonsense and none of it is helpful. I have had to learn that some people are just not going to like me during this lifetime. And that’s okay because I love myself and believe I am following my true path. The second thing of importance is boundary setting. Ugh, I know. This one was/is hard for me. This is what is described as telling people they will not talk about you that way, they will not attack you in your own home. This is telling people that if they don’t have kindness to offer you, they can stay away then. We MUST protect ourselves. If we don’t protect ourselves, who will? We cannot rely on anybody to do that for us. We also cannot rely on anyone to stop spewing their venom onto us if we don’t tell them that it is unacceptable. Boundary setting is hard to do when we have let it go on so long. But it’s never too late to start. You are wise to think about bringing children into the world before you are in a place of happiness. I was born to parents who do not like each other, nor their marriage. I have needed some serious work to overcome that. Good on you for thinking seriously about this. Many people bring children into the world thinking it might change things or make the situation better once a cute, cuddly, baby comes along. It just doesn’t. Without rambling on, I will summarize. Learn yourself. Make the time for your hobbies, whether it means you wake up an hour earlier, you bring stuff on your work lunch break, or you commit to the hour before you go to bed. Commit to your happiness. Don’t let people push you around anymore. Tell them that this will not happen anymore, or you will move forward without them. Only say that if you mean it though. Otherwise, don’t absorb the comments and negativity. Chances are extremely high that these people have just as low if not lower self esteem and self love than you do. Therefore their only means of protection is reassuring themselves with delusions that other people are worse than they are. It’s their own crap. Let it stay on them. Depending on how you view a marriage, expect cooperation from your partner. If he doesn’t like your cooking, then he can cook his own dinner. If he can’t appreciate your work, then he can do it himself so it is to his liking. Sometimes we just need to hear from others that it doesn’t have to be this way, and that this isn’t normal. Trust your gut. Women are so lucky to have been gifted with an intuition. Use it! Okay, those are my pieces of wisdom and food for thought. Know that whatever you choose, I support you in. And I send you love, peace, and hope. xoxo