In despair and don't know how to get out

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    Hi. I posted yesterday about my husband and the problems in our 20 year marriage. Well, since then he finally verbalized his intention to divorce me. He let me believe, for almost a year, that there was hope of reconciliation. He let me keep trying to fix things, keep reaching out, keep telling him that I love him when he knew that it didn’t matter. He said that I hurt him too much for him to ever trust me again – even though I did nothing outside of the normal stuff people go through when they are together for so long. Even though I went to therapy with him and alone to work on those things that really did need to change and apologized and made amends to the best of my ability. He actually said that although he cannot get past the hurt with me he does think he will be able to have a trusting relationship with someone else. I thought I would actually die from hearing that. We have 2 children and one of our daughters is severely disabled but he says everyone will be fine. When I started to cry he didn’t even say he was sorry – he just stared at me. Then he said that he had hoped we could discuss this without a lot of drama and just get down to working out how to parent the kids together once we are divorced.

    I feel humiliated and betrayed and shattered. I cannot stop crying. I don’t know how to deal with this. The pain is overwhelming.

    Buddhist Wife

    Hello Lisa,

    I am very sorry to hear this development. I wish I could give you a big hug. I wish there were something I could do to help you with the pain.

    I hope that as well as reaching out to us here, you will reach out to others in your life. I really hope that you have a friend or relative that you can rely on to help you through this.

    I think your husband is being incredibly cruel with his statement about wanting to discuss things ‘without drama’. It seems to me that this is his way of trying to emotionally check out of all the fall out from this divorce and that he is denying you your right to speak. HOWEVER, I do think in the long run, in a strange way, this will work out better for you. You seem to get absolutely nothing from him emotionally and nothing seems to register with him. I think you could waste a lot of time and energy railing against this man for what he has done – and get nothing in return.

    Please take care of yourself and give yourself the love and attention that you deserve.


    Thank you so much for the kind – and wise – words. I would like to rail against the injustice of it and his indifference but what for? It wouldn’t accomplish anything. I am trying to just allow the pain and believe that it will pass. It will not kill me. I know I have to accept what is and I need to mourn the loss – it wasn’t always terrible between us and I had real hope that we could come through this somehow.

    It’s just very hard.



    I don’t know if anyone in this world feels it when a total stranger has them in their prayer but you were in mine today, yesterday and will be always. I told god to take your pain away and to give you the strength and courage you need to get passed this.

    I can’t even imagine to give you any advise but we are all here to listen. whenever you feel like it, please talk to your brothers and sisters who will always pray for you and cheer you on.




    Thank you. Your prayers are very, very much appreciated. Knowing that others do care what happens to a total stranger gives me strength and lifts me up.

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