Forum Replies Created
October 27, 2013 at 8:21 am #44406
Thank you, Jo, for your kind words and understanding. I do understand on a rational level that the grief and anger are a natural part of this process – I just can’t seem to translate that into action on my part. I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions in a way that I did not expect and for far longer than I would have imagined. You are right, I do try to ‘stop’ it in some ways largely because I am afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. I might never stop crying or I might lash out in a way that would be hurtful and make me ashamed later.
Exacerbating this is the dynamic between my soon-to-be-ex and myself: during the last 2 years a pattern developed where he expressed hurt and anger and disappointment and even disgust towards me at the same time he told me that he wanted to work things out (we were in couples therapy for 18 months until our therapist literally threw up her hands and said she couldn’t help us because he was unwilling to change anything or to compromise in any way). So I became silent about my feelings, believing that his were more valid, more important and that the problems we had were in fact my fault. I conceded to him on everything and went out of my way to not upset him or disagree with him (because those things enraged him). Now he expects that and is aggressive and often bullying as we try to work out a physical separation and divorce. I am seeing a therapist myself to help me stop this pattern but it leaves me unsure of when I am appropriately standing up for myself versus when I am reacting purely out of anger and a desire to not give in to him.
What a mess! No wonder I am often an emotional wreck. You are absolutely right that one of the biggest lessons for me here is to accept, accept, accept – because I cannot control everything. This situation is utterly beyond my ability to control or change and all I can do is work on my reaction to it.
I will check out your site and again, thank you for the advice.September 9, 2013 at 8:20 pm #41978
Thank you. Your prayers are very, very much appreciated. Knowing that others do care what happens to a total stranger gives me strength and lifts me up.September 9, 2013 at 5:36 pm #41972
Thank you so much for the kind – and wise – words. I would like to rail against the injustice of it and his indifference but what for? It wouldn’t accomplish anything. I am trying to just allow the pain and believe that it will pass. It will not kill me. I know I have to accept what is and I need to mourn the loss – it wasn’t always terrible between us and I had real hope that we could come through this somehow.
It’s just very hard.September 8, 2013 at 7:08 pm #41892
Susan, thank you for your response.
It’s good to hear that there is hope for peace and happiness on the other side of this. Can’t say that I see it but I can at least believe it’s possible.
And you are so, so right: crazy has become normal for us. It’s damaging and unhealthy. I just thought that somehow with enough love, support, and belief I could usher everyone through it. But every step I take makes things worse rather than better.
I will check out the website. I asked for help here and help came. 🙂September 8, 2013 at 7:05 pm #41887
You are right. I am probably out of options for what I can do myself. And you are right that he is neither here nor gone. I hadn’t thought of it quite like that but it fits. I don’t see any indication that he truly intends to change. He seems content to stay exactly where he is – when your therapist throws up her hands in defeat I guess it’s clear that nothing short of a miracle is going to un-stick this situation.
I have consulted an attorney and do have a sense of how finances would be divided, etc. I won’t be penniless but it’s unlikely I will be able to afford to stay in my current home. Accepting that is so difficult. It’s just frightening thinking of all that will change – especially when this particular change isn’t one I wanted or even ever imagined.
Thanks for the insight and support.September 8, 2013 at 2:42 pm #41872
Thanks, Jeff. It actually does help to hear that I am not the only one going through something like this. Not that I’d wish this on anyone because it’s horrible.
It’s so hard to realize that someone you have loved for so long, that you thought you had a life with, that you believed in could stand there and just not care how much they are hurting you. I know this isn’t my fault and probably isn’t even really about me but it sure feels like it. And it’s a rejection that hits like a punch in the gut.
I hope you can find some resolution with your wife, soon. I think it’s the dragging out of the pain that makes it so excruciating, you know? Thanks for the support – I am sending it right back to you! Good luck.