September 9, 2013 at 7:26 am #41917
I am in a lot of pain and I need some help. Please!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend ended our relationship a few weeks ago and I only found out after that he was seeing someone else for a few months when I asked back for my ipad and saw he left his facebook account opened. It made sense all of a sudden why he kept getting angry with me. Why I annoyed him so much. Why he stopped sharing. Why he’d be up at all hours checking his account. It hurts like hell.
He is now in a happy relationship with his new love and I am seeking therapy. I’ve lost weight, can’t function at work, can’t look after my daughters and all kinds of ailments are starting to afflict my body. He said we were never together and it was all in my head. He said I was nobody and far from marriage material. These things hurt. I loved him and told him as much… I treated him like a king and gave him everything I had. I’d wake up do breakfast and whatever meals he wanted. Run errands for him. Wash whatever clothes he left. I was his companion.
I feel like I’m going crazy and can’t stop crying. The pain in my chest keeps getting heavier and I want it all to stop……please.
I sent him a really nasty message in hurt and anger and he said he’ll never ever speak to me again.
Everyone keeps saying I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and can’t understand why the hell I can’t seem to move on….it seems to hurt more not being with him than when we were together and he’d be shouting at me all the time.
Why am I so broken?
How could he do that to me and not look back?
Is it that it was all in my head and he never did care about me?
I need some help….answers.
She knew he was seeing someone as she saw us out a couple times etc. He said he told her that we were nothing more than friends and she bought it.September 9, 2013 at 9:27 am #41933Buddhist WifeParticipant
I’m not surprised you are struggling to move on. You’ve been hurt and you can’t just snap back from feeling hurt no matter how unworthy your ex is.
It seems to me that you need to let go of what he was thinking and feeling. Knowing what he was motivated by won’t change the facts of the situation, he still treated you badly and ended the relationship.
It doesn’t matter what he says about the relationship. You know what the truth was. You know what you did and what you were. Perhaps he is trying to minimise things to make himself feel less guilty about what he has done.
It doesn’t change who you are as a person and that you are wonderful and worthy of love. So look after yourself for now.
I wish you happinessSeptember 9, 2013 at 9:58 am #41935
Everyone says he treated me like trash and was no good.
If that is the case, why is he in a happy and in a relationship and I’m alone??
Is he right and I really am not good enough?
I wish there was a pill I could take to just make this all go away….September 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm #41966LindsayParticipant
Oh darling, I wish I could transport you into the future one year from now. There are a couple things you need to know about him:
(1) You don’t know that he is happy. I know they may be running around town seemingly in love. Heck, they might even get married. But his capacity for happiness right now is very limited. He does not sound like a very caring person, a giving person, an honest person, or someone who has the ability to be in a long-term, healthy, stable relationship. I know it hurts to see (really! I do!) but you’re comparing your worst moments to his highlight reel.
(2) He’s manipulative and cruel. That is why he said that you were never together and he never loved you, you aren’t good enough, etc. They aren’t true. But he knows your vulnerabilities and he’s using them against you. When we share our vulnerabilities with someone, a strong stable and caring individual will not use those weaknesses against us, no matter how angry they are. He is not that man. You deserve better.
A few things about the future:
(1) You’re going to be hurting for months. I’m sorry. It’s true. It sucks. Like, REALLY sucks. But you will come through. I’m a big fan of therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy is a place to start). It’s not just for “crazy” people. It’s for anyone who is stuck; it is for anyone who cannot stop crying; it is for anyone looking for insight into themselves; it is for anyone who wants to learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future. Also, I recommend the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. He also has a workbook. If you can’t afford therapy or something, this is a good place to start. BUT, you actually need to write out the exercises in a notebook. That is the ONLY way it helps. I’ve been working through his book and workbook over the last few months and it has been really helpful (to help move on after a particularly brutal break up).
(2) I think you need to know yourself better. I could be wrong! After all, we all get heartbroken. But, you seem to have given him everything when he gave you so little in return. Perhaps to point where you lost sight of yourself. If so, it’s common. We’ve all done it. The important point is to regain who that person is, or find out who you are for the first time! Being single is the ideal way to do that. USE THIS TIME. Meditate, take an art class at a local community college, or join a group on Meetup.com. But you are questioning whether you are good enough — a huge blanket statement. Good enough to what? Be loved? To not be on the receiving end of every mean thing a person could say? To be happy with yourself? To love yourself? Everyone is good enough for those things. You need to learn this for yourself so that you actually believe it. And call bullsh** if someone says you don’t.
Pretty soon, you’ll realize that he did you a HUGE favor. It’ll just take some time and some work to get there.September 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm #41967Buddhist WifeParticipant
Unfortunately life rarely works out that neatly.
The fact he is in a relationship and you are not is not a reflection on you. It doesn’t mean you are ‘not good enough’.
You are good enough.
Do you think you are really ready to be in another relationship when you still have such complicated feelings towards your Ex?September 9, 2013 at 5:19 pm #41971
Gosh Lindsay!! Thank you for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just having another crying spell when I read your post. I have no idea how he could be in a happy relationship with someone else yet be so dysfunctional with me.
I don’t want to wish him bad but I want to believe he has created his own karma. I did everything he said and I did lose myself in the process. Compromise, compromise, compromise is what I did – ALL the time. Why won’t he even contact me to see how I’m doing? We spent so much time together it boggles me how someone can be so mean.
But Lindsay, she knew he was seeing someone – ME!
My pots remind me of him so I can’t cook. I go to the bathroom, see his toothbrush and I get sick. I can’t stand the smell of coffee cause it’s all he ever drank. And on and on it goes.
I don’t want to be hurting like this for the next few months because presently I’m not eating and at that rate I might be dead come December.September 9, 2013 at 5:55 pm #41975LindsayParticipant
My number one recommendation (which I really hope you take) is to get the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. The whole idea behind it is to quickly and effectively improve and change the way you think about your situation. It does not get into the past relationships with your parents, etc, etc. It is meant for what thoughts are bothering you RIGHT NOW.
My therapist recommended it some months ago. I was so reluctant to get some b.s. self-help book that I didn’t even want to waste the money on it. So I checked it out at the library. 🙂 And it turned out to be phenomenal! I ended up buying it so that I always have it on my shelf in case I want it (and I also got the Handbook). In my experience, his cognitive-behavioral techniques work faster than medication (which I have been on in the past). I wish I found this book 10 years earlier. But I’m just glad I found it now, instead of 10 years from now 🙂
For your own sake, TOMORROW, do one thing. Go pick it up either at a book store, amazon, or even the library. Wherever. Just get it.September 10, 2013 at 7:16 am #41989
Lindsay, I took a leap of faith and purchased the book on my kindle. I’m also not keen on the self-help book but I’ll give it a try.
Thanks for taking the time out to talk to me…sigh.