September 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm #42707moonchildParticipant
I am in a relationship with an amazing man. We are both deeply interested in evolving and learning to master our thoughts and energies in order to keep improving our relationship.
However… there is one thing that I noticed about him from the very beginning, when I first met him, that has constantly been in the back of my mind. He has a tendancy to check out other women. He does it in front of me, and it makes me wonder what he does when I am not there.. He has a past of cheating on ALL his exes, but he also used to be quite the partier and drinker, and has recovered from this time in his life to mature spiritually. He does not drink anymore, and has promised me that he would never cheat on me.
I have mentioned to him what I see, and the fears I have associated with his actions. He seems to understand my concern, but there have been several conversations where he gets upset at me for my “insecurity and jealousy”. I feel I have not been fully aknowledged in this, and I do not feel satisfied with our conversations.
Last week I went to a social event without him and met a beautiful woman. I remember thinking when i saw her that I was glad my boyfriend was not with me, because I had the feeling he would have checked her out, and the situation being what it is, I felt my evening would have been ruined. Yesterday, I had a random thought about her again, and felt that it would be the kind of woman he would cheat on me with. I dismissed the thought because I dont want to be paranoid or exagerrative. Today I saw on the computer that he (without knowing her or having met her), was looking at her facebook pictures through one of our friends. This really made me think. It seems like a troubling series of events, and I don’t know what to make of it all.
I have heard so many excuses out there, from men AND women, about how “its normal for men to check out women”, or that “there is nothing wrong about that”, or that “I should just learn to accept it”… but something inside me, a powerful, beautiful, creative woman that wants the best, and only the best, keeps telling me that even if it is what the NORM does, it is not something I want to accept. I want a growing, respectful relationship, and this does not resonate with me.
I have let him know this, but nothing is different.
Is it something in me that I need to see and evolve from? Or is it in him? Can we overcome this?September 24, 2013 at 10:46 pm #42737Bubbles G.Participant
Only you can decide if you can overcome it. If you were my best friend, whom I am completely blunt with, I would ask you to think about a few things. You’re getting anxious about it and have your guard up, but quite rightfully so. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. There is too much to consider for a stanger to give you any black or white answers.
While I think it’s normal to check other people out…to a point…the context of it all does matter. Aside from checking other people out in person and on facebook has he ever given you any reason to believe he may be cheating?
My bigger concern lies within the fact that after you approached him about it, he was upset and responded by saying you were insecure and jealous. You only mention that you approached him, but step back and look at the situation. How did you approach him with this? Were you accusing in any way? Often times people forget that our approach will shape the individual’s reaction. If he flew off the handle and responded in this manner, I would definitely bring it up with him again. Him not respecting your feelings is a no no in my book. You can disagree (or agree to disagree), but making it personal like that hurts and is unproductive.September 25, 2013 at 3:54 am #42754Buddhist WifeParticipant
I’m sorry to hear that you are having some troubles.
In my opinion, it depends on what you mean by ‘checking out’. This is a broad term and can cover a lot of behaviours, some of which seem reasonable to me and others which are not.
Personally I feel that if your boyfriend is just looking at other women, just looking, that this is normal behaviour and it’s not reasonable to expect him to stop. It’s a biological impulse after all. I feel that asking him to stop this would be like asking him to not feel hungry when he sees tasty food.
I worry about your statement
“but something inside me, a powerful, beautiful, creative woman that wants the best, and only the best, keeps telling me that even if it is what the NORM does, it is not something I want to accept.”
because I think you could end up lonely if you stick to this. I’ve never met a heterosexual man who didn’t look at other women.
To my mind, when my husband looks at other women, it’s nothing to do with me. He’s just appreciating an attractive women. It doesn’t take away from his feelings for me, it doesn’t insult me or make me lesser. It’s just something he does.
Of course, it depends how far your boyfriends behaviour goes. Is he flirting with other women?September 25, 2013 at 6:17 am #42758karinefrenchyParticipant
First i want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for this!
It’s like you are reading my story… just today at work I saw a beautiful young women and my mind started telling me that my husband would probably think she’s HOT!
And I proceeded to feel old and fat and all the bad things that make anyone feel unlovable.
It’s nice in a way to see I’m not crazy and not alone! I even was thinking to print this and have my husband read it so he stops telling me I’m making a big deal out of nothing! It always makes me feel isolated when he does that.
2 weeks ago I went to see my therapist and finished my session with the topic of mind wondering about jealousy and envy. He gave me a great advice I had never contemplated before.
I’ll do my best to translate it for you.
First: My Way of handling it…
Those are the steps I’m going through when I’m in that very situation. We are in public or at a party, pretty girl show up – he looks – gets a little distant with me – keeps finding ways to keep looking – I get upset- become independent and frustrated ( miserable)…. basically I can’t enjoy myself and I want to leave- he ask me what is wrong and the argument starts…. Recognize the pattern?!
Alternative: Therapist Way of handling it…
We are in public or at a party, pretty girl show up – he looks – gets a little distant with me – keeps finding ways to keep looking – I get closer to him and smile while whispering ” She not bad, but nothing you can’t get at home”.. Now wait a minute ok, very important to not be sarcastic or mean. Nice and sweet! You can even give him a kiss!- He looks at you and instantly remembers why he loves you so much and kisses you or smiles – time pass if he still staring so you gently grab his chin and make him look at you and say” Hello… moon to earth… I’m right here” and smile
I think you get the point. Make it a game (it’s not fun I know) but that should shake him a little!
Now I do not imply you should tolerate it by no means – just approach it with a different angle!
He has to be accountable for his behavior and unfortunately when we women engage in that conversation men typically get defensive and go in their famous cave! They are better than women at arguing because they are in it to win no matter what and we get hurt! Nothing good comes out of it.
I did it the last time I want to dinner with my husband and it actually worked.
He felt bad and looked at me and defended himself (nicely) he said ”oh no bb, I was not looking at the girl and blabla… then I walked away and he followed me saying that he was not doing it. I said laughing ”I caught you haha” I said ”I have my eyes on you mister and changed the subject… moments later I had forgotten about it and he came back at me and said ”Bb, I really was not looking that girl up…bla bla bla”
I just smiled and changed the subject. Inside I was not feeling as bad as usual, I think I felt good about the fact that I did not ignore it but I dealt with it differently and showed him that I can be nice about it but I won’t tolerate it!
I hope it helps!
FYI – my first language is French so pardon my grammar… I hope I got my point across!September 25, 2013 at 7:29 am #42761ElmsParticipant
Good on you Karin. That is certainly a positive way of handling the situation, it’s creative. Sometimes that’s just what love needs.February 17, 2017 at 2:18 am #127985MelodyParticipant
Mind cheating is baffling to me as well. I have caught my boyfriend masterbating to pictures of girls he’s friends with on Facebook. I was hurt when I found out, but we eventually talked about it moved past it. I just caught him looking up those same girls on Facebook but he tells me he didn’t do anything, he just looked them up to “see if I was monitoring him”..Im hurt and dont know if this is technically cheating.
June 11, 2017 at 6:53 am #152678HannahParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Melody.
I feel like looking is not just looking. It’s not acceptable. It is resonable to ask him to stop. They can stop, they just dont want to. Their behavior is always excused by “biology”. How about they start being more respectful?