Signing the divorce papers today

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This topic has 9 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by Paul.

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December 16, 2013 at 5:27 am #46838
Jeff
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I know she has a choice in this too. I know that she needs to do what makes her happy. But her happiness has now come with the shattering of my life. Today, I go to sign the final papers for the divorce. 20 years will be gone as though it never really happened. And guess what? There is no balance to this. There is no harmony and all that stuff. There is emptiness and depression and pain. There will be no ineer peace.

I’m not even sure why I write this. Just needed to say it “out loud” I guess. I need support today.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Jeff.
December 16, 2013 at 9:30 am #46842

cesar
Participant

hello Jeff I support you and there are others here who can share in your pain
you are not alone here. I was never married but I just broke up with my supposed soul mate after 8 years. I can sympathize with you. and share your pain just know you are not alone. and I and many others are here for you.

December 16, 2013 at 9:46 am #46844

Bianca
Participant

Hi Jeff, I’m sorry for you, I have been there myself and I know how tough it is. 5 years later I still often dream of finding that deep comfort in his arms. The little progress I made is that now I have accepted what happened. I tell myself that I was true to my feelings all along. In someways I was lucky to have married the man I loved, not everybody does (and possibly he didn’t). Life is stronger than anything in good ways and bad ways and you cannot control it. I had hoped that I would have found another loved one, or maybe compensated with some interesting work but it hasn’t happened and sometimes I feel as if I have aged before time. But I also have found somewhat of a gentler existence, not much excitement, a lot of solitude, and it is not all unpleasant, at least it is peaceful. One thing I know for sure, that pain, that desperation, eventually fades away like when you recover from a serious injury. You must have faith that you will one day, not too far away, feel better so even if it seems hard now: look ahead. Good luck and take care

December 16, 2013 at 10:01 am #46845

Jim
Participant

Jeff, I went through the same process of losing a 24 year marriage after my wife decided she did not want to be married. This occurred 3 years ago and while there is still pain time has provided healing, growth and yes, the start of hope. That is not available to you know, and I know how miserable it was to sign those papers. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and do not give up. Life is too much of a gift for all of us, even if I can’t always see that.

Jim

December 16, 2013 at 10:43 am #46849

Jeff
Participant

Thank you all. I’m leaving in the next 15 minutes and I seriously don’t know how I’m going to do. And while the pain may not last forever, it’s gong to seem like it. I think this has been harder on me than my brother’s death 5 years ago.

December 16, 2013 at 11:17 am #46854

Porterman
Participant

this might be a good entry to read today, and bookmark to read again (and again) later…

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

I’ve been the other person (sounds like your wife asked for the divorce) and i can tell you, at least for me, its not any easier if that helps any. But it does get better. There is a reason you and she are signing those papers, otherwise you wouldn’t be signing.

In time, you’ll start figuring out who you are as a stand alone person again and you will see the bad…and the good of your marriage and appreciate the lessons of the former and the good memories of the latter.

We all enter and leave the world alone, and we all change and grow in different ways on our journey from the beginning to the end. Unfortunately, that sometimes means making mistakes, bad choices, hurting other people in the process, but we have to learn from them, try not to make them again and strive to be the best we can be, to be able to say in our twilight years that “I wasn’t perfect, but I gave life the best shot I had”.

Cliche alert:

Everything is meant to be. Every ending is a new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

They are overplayed, but true statements. good luck on your journey, Jeff.

December 16, 2013 at 12:53 pm #46861

Jeff
Participant

well- that was even worse than I expected. I cried the entire time and she sat there stoic like a statue. I fail to see a single “good” that can come of this. A family is shattered, my life is destroyed, and we all get to cope with struggling to make ends meet because we have two places to maintain. But hey! At least there’s the loneliness for me to look forward to.

December 16, 2013 at 6:51 pm #46873
GCNYC
Participant
Jeff,

Sorry you had to go through this. I was the one who sat stoic many years ago, and I wanted to say I am sorry one more time but I didn’t because I didn’t want him to think I was having second thoughts and make it even harder.

I myself have gone through a couple of long, very important relationships that I thought were meant for life and suddenly, there was nothing I could do to make them love me the way I loved them.

Then came the day, that I could no longer give someone what they wanted. I was hurt, I felt betrayed, and could not get over the loss of what we had had (details don’t matter) and I had to move on and ask for a divorce.

There were nights and days I cried after I left, even though I made the choice, because I knew, my decision had been the last thing that officially broke our home, (even if I felt it was broken before). However, marriage is a partnership, and being in it is a huge risk for both parties. I also knew, a home where one person is not able to feel at home and content, is not a happy home for the rest of the family, especially not the children. There are still days, almost 10 years later, that I still wish I had not needed to leave and walk away. We went through difficulty, financially and emotionally, yes, but all those gets better, they really do, and so do our feelings. Believe me, they do. We heal. I’ve healed many times.

I was called many things because he never saw me cry, but just because you don’t see others pain, may not mean they don’t feel it. In fact, people who have so much pain can’t bear watching other’s pain, especially when they are causing it, because they’ll crumble. There are two sides. It is very hard to leave too.

Despite being left, despite leaving, I have experienced and found new ways of loving, a new person who loved me but I didn’t, a new person I loved and he didn’t, and I think, maybe a good balance with one who is pushing all my buttons and helping me grow in a gentler way.

Sometimes when it all falls apart is when we realize how strong we are, and how better off we are alone and in a new place and how we didn’t even know it.

I wish you healing and better days ahead. I am sorry.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by GCNYC.
December 17, 2013 at 4:24 am #46887

Gary Gruber
Participant

Jeff,
After 35 years, she said to me, as we were separating for the last time, prior to the divorce, “This didn’t turn out like I thought it would.” I knew that already just like we know a lot of things but for one reason or another we don’t want to either acknowledge them or act on them and move on. I guess it’s the moving on part that is sometimes scary, sometimes exciting, sometimes daunting. But since change is the one constant we can count on and we have this amazing opportunity to help design and be the change, we best find ways to make it better than before. I recall reading a little book years ago by Hannah Green (Joanne Greenberg) called “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.” It was the title as much or more than what was inside that stuck with me. I have found over the years that my garden was whatever I made it and it often depended on how I tended it, watered it, nurtured it and spent time with it. I’ve had some great ones and some that turned to weeds. And once again, we are at a point of another transition in our own lives with BIG decisions, some having been made and others yet to come. Even at this stage (in my 77th year) it’s a blessing and a gift. Faith and fear are perfectly correlated, inversely. The more you have of one, the less you have of the other. Onward…..

January 28, 2014 at 4:19 pm #49901

Paul
Participant

Hi Gary,
I found your response to Jeff’s experience so insightful since I find myself in the midst of a very similar life event.
I was surprised to discover your age (77) since I am in my 66th year on this planet and navigating a separation as well. Any more words of wisdom and comfort would be appreciated.
All the best,
Paul
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