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    thanks Anita – that makes a lot of sense – “a relationship is not to lie to yourself and believe what is not true”.

    I get it – convincing yourself is not the goal.

    appreciate it – namaste.



    very well said Saiisha. i like that last line especially – as it is so true.

    all of this can be very confusing, I appreciate your insight.


    very well written. awesome post. focusing on 1, 2 & 3 would help a LOT of people.

    but to Gladys and Blaice, i sure hope you guys never get into a relationship where you’re trying to figure things out, figure out your feelings, before you blurt something out and can’t take it back. A LOT of people are confused, scared, unsure of all the emotions and feelings that are passing through their head, especially at a young age when you’re still not sure of what you want or need.

    Its pretty hard to talk between the months of “January and December”, when those conversations involve statements like “i’m not sure I’m happy with this relationship anymore” or “I’m not sure I want this for the rest of my life” or something along those lines. unfortunately, in most cases once those words are uttered, things start to unravel quickly.

    I guess in some ways, I was either of your partners. In her perspective, I blindsided my (now) ex-wife with the same sort of epiphany, although looking back over time, I think you could see the cracks developing. Over 8 years, I sacrificed myself, my relationships with my family, my dignity, all to make my wife happy – to be the good husband who gave his wife everything she wanted, to be the good son-in-law to my in-laws who wanted to control every single aspect of my life such that it kept their daughter close to home and treated materially like a princess. After a long 2 years of depression, I finally, in my mid-30s, woke up and realized that all my messages, outbursts, all my communications, all my wants and needs, were not going to be heard by my wife and or her parents. Instead of listening to me, they redirected me, told me how I was misinterpreting myself.

    I finally figured out: It didn’t matter. They wouldn’t change. They had their perspective, and I had mine. And I was outnumbered.

    So I said those dreadful (or perhaps you see as cowardly) words: – “i’m not in love with you anymore”, “my feelings had changed.” And they had. i was DONE. At that point in my life, I wished I was dead already, because I had nothing to live for other than to try and please my wife and her family, and receive their validation. but there was a spark in me that ignited and said that life doesn’t have to be this way. i wanted to see my family – my mom, my brothers and their kids. I wanted to have the freedom to move wherever i wanted to live, hell, even to pick the color of the damned paint on the wall in the house that I paid for.

    so yes, I was the “blindsider” or the “coward” as you call them. and that’s okay, they’re just terms and frankly, I don’t need your approval or validation. I realize i made mistakes, and i’ve learned from them. i tried to be the good partner – I find its often hard to discern what is “working hard at a relationship” and “compromising” versus completely giving yourself up, losing yourself. I think a lot of people have a hard time too.

    So did I do wrong? Yes. Do I regret it? No, because I didn’t know then what I know now about myself. I had to go through that to learn what I would not put up with, to learn that I had to stand up for my own feelings and values, wants and needs. Was it cowardly, those last 2 spans of Januaries through Decembers, when i was trying to sort through figuring out my life? yeah, you might call it that. and that’s okay. I think i was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time – I was trying to make it work.

    Am I sorry about what happened? Absolutely, and deeply. If I could go back and do it all over again, there are many things that I would do differently, and perhaps I would have had the beautiful relationship I wanted, but its easy to say that – its sort of like being a Senior in high school saying how you could ace Freshman algebra, and who knows, my wife might not have liked that version of me versus the old me(?).

    just my $0.02, or more aptly put, the other side of the equation.


    thank you all for responding. I am so happy you took the time to read and respond to me.

    i agree that I think there is something more at work here. I have long felt that she is quite insecure, and this is something we need to address.

    we are having our monthly therapist visit tonight, so hopefully I can muster the courage to revisit this exchange and try and see what is wrong in both of our corners.

    thank you again!


    this might be a good entry to read today, and bookmark to read again (and again) later…

    I’ve been the other person (sounds like your wife asked for the divorce) and i can tell you, at least for me, its not any easier if that helps any. But it does get better. There is a reason you and she are signing those papers, otherwise you wouldn’t be signing.

    In time, you’ll start figuring out who you are as a stand alone person again and you will see the bad…and the good of your marriage and appreciate the lessons of the former and the good memories of the latter.

    We all enter and leave the world alone, and we all change and grow in different ways on our journey from the beginning to the end. Unfortunately, that sometimes means making mistakes, bad choices, hurting other people in the process, but we have to learn from them, try not to make them again and strive to be the best we can be, to be able to say in our twilight years that “I wasn’t perfect, but I gave life the best shot I had”.

    Cliche alert:

    Everything is meant to be. Every ending is a new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

    They are overplayed, but true statements. good luck on your journey, Jeff.


    I can tell you, from experience, that what sapnap has said is right. Not that i’ve followed that advice, rather I have experienced the antithesis of it – jumped immediately from my divorce into a relationship and while I am learning to be happy with myself and know who i am, the relationship is not working…doesn’t feel right…who I was when i met my current mate, in that transient, painful state is not who I am now.

    get yourself straightened out first, figure out what you like and who you are, and then you can find the person who best matches your true self, or maybe you prefer to be on your own. but you’re not going to know that if you’re looking to meld yourself to be a good mate for someone else. better to find who you are, how you are most comfortable being and then find someone who complements the true you.

    i’ve got my own work to do, particularly figuring out what to do with this relationship…as i said, i’ve made the mistake rather than avoided it, but the above is the way to go.

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