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Am I Overreacting?

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  • #49951
    Porterman
    Participant

    Am interested in some unbiased feedback/opinions here. I’m sorry for the long diatribe, but I’m really confused and frustrated here – I am having relationship troubles with my girlfriend and am trying to examine myself and see if it is indeed me that is the problem or something else.

    Here is one of many situations in recent months:

    I am currently exploring following my dream by starting my own business with a partner/long time friend. He set up a meeting at 8pm last night with a potential investor to explore opportunities with this person.

    My girlfriend currently has a cold and had to work a bit late. I went to the gym after work and did a few chores around the house, walked the dogs, etc. She came home exhausted – I offered to cook her a quick dinner before I had my meeting, but she declined in favor of a frozen pizza.

    She knew I had this meeting and asked if I would be eating, I said I was not sure, so if there was any leftover pizza, don’t
    throw it out as I may eat it.

    We went to the meeting which lasted till about 10:15. The potential investor left, and my partner/friend asked me if I’d had dinner, and if not would I want to grab a quick bite to eat and debrief on my thoughts on the meeting. Having had no dinner, and just consumed a few beers during the meeting , I definitely needed to eat something and I wanted to discuss our impressions.

    Sent a text to my girlfriend, (who gets upset if I don’t check in when I’m later than she expects) saying that we were going to grab something to eat and would probably be home around 11.

    The first place we stopped wasn’t serving food any more, so we decided to hit a sports bar type place closer to home and get appetizers etc. I sent a second text to indicate the first place didn’t work out and we had to go to the next place, probably be more like 11:30.

    She responded: “not trying to be a jerk, but I’m really tired and still not feeling great and would like to go to sleep soon. So please come back when you can.”
    I responded that “I will do the best that I can, please go to sleep”

    “I can’t – the dogs will bark when you get home and then I won’t be able to get back to sleep after waking up like that”.

    I rushed as much as I could and wound up coming home around 11:40, which given my frustration with the above text conversation and her mood caused a full scale argument until 2am.

    Maybe I am being a jerk, but my feeling was that this was a semi-business meeting, that she knew about ahead of time. She was not sick in such a way that she needed my immediate attention or care. I offered to make her dinner before I left, and I checked in with her to let her know I was going to be later than expected.
    It is rare that I go out without her, and when I do it always seems that she finds a way to guilt me into rushing back home.

    Am I overreacting in being upset? I’m an adult. I’m not out partying and whooping it up. I’m upset because if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have given the situation a second thought – I certainly wouldn’t have asked her to come home as soon as possible. If I was awoken by the dogs, c’est la vie – it doesn’t happen all the time.

    Frustrated…

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Porterman.
    #49969
    Jacki~
    Participant

    Nope. She was. Good luck with your new enterprise.

    #49981
    sojourner
    Participant

    I agree, she was kind of over the top here, maybe because she wasn’t feeling well. You sound like a thoughtful guy who did the best he could in the situation. Sorry about the fight til 2, that didn’t help anyone, especially her needing rest if sick.

    Chalk it up to a rough patch with your sweety, tell her you are sorry for your part in the whole mess and move forward into your relationship. Put this bad day behind the both of you.

    #49991
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I feel like something is missing from this puzzle. How did the fight start? (You don’t actually have to respond, just think about it) She was aggravated from being sick and tired (in the literal sense) and you were aggravated from having to rush home after the meeting (?). It should’ve ended there, with you having your food and she getting her sleep. What more is there to talk about after that? Both had needs that were conflicting at that moment in time, but eventually everyone got what they needed.

    #50003
    Jade Chen
    Participant

    I don’t think you are overreacting. My suggestion is, maybe you need to rethink the underlying dynamics of your relationship and talk through it with her. You say you rarely go out without her and yet she always guilt-trips you into coming home early. What’s going on here? Does she feel insecure about your relationship and if so, why? Do both of you want the same amount of “together” time? When you stop to think about it, are you really seething inside about having to ‘report in” when you’re out without her? I think it’s good to think thru these issues and also find a calm moment to talk through them with her. My own experience is that if you don’t take the time to examine your own feelings and to talk to your partner about his or her feelings, sometimes frustration and resentment build to an extent that one day you blow up over some little thing and say things you regret.

    Good luck with everything!

    #50028
    Jade
    Participant

    I can definitely see myself in your girlfriend’s shoes… I am an extremely light sleeper and when my sleep is disrupted I get extremely irritated. It’s just one of those things, sleep is just so damn important to me, it brings me joy and happiness, and to have it ruined just sets me off. I also have a fiancé who likes watching TV late into the wee hours of the night while in bed. He also works a later shift than me (noon to 8pm) so he doesn’t need to go to bed that early anyway. And when he falls asleep, he just passes out for the night. Lucky him!

    So I can imagine your GF wanting to rest as much as she can because she is ill as well, and being mad that you interrupted that, but the part about you saying that she tends to guilt trip you into coming home makes me think it’s more than that. Maybe she has trust issues. Maybe she’s got worst-case-scenerios running through her head (i.e. if you’re at home with her you’re not being shot or stabbed). Maybe she feels like the fact that you don’t rush home to her means that you don’t really love her (because we all learned some terrible lessons about how love works). Whatever the case, find a moment when both of you are calm and relaxed and talk things over. Communication of authentic feelings will illuminate any underlying issues.

    #50030
    Porterman
    Participant

    thank you all for responding. I am so happy you took the time to read and respond to me.

    i agree that I think there is something more at work here. I have long felt that she is quite insecure, and this is something we need to address.

    we are having our monthly therapist visit tonight, so hopefully I can muster the courage to revisit this exchange and try and see what is wrong in both of our corners.

    thank you again!

    #50345
    Lila
    Participant

    Jade Chen is so write .. 🙂 And Jade .. yes sometimes I am like that too 🙂 Porterman I complain when he get’s out and forgets to come back a) because he knows I long to see him an do something together -> so here comes what Jade Chen said about your needs of together time .
    b) When i see him more excited and happy with his friends than with me . maybe selfish but scares me ,maybe because our relationship is not strong enough.
    There is also a problem when we have different expectations from each other. it gets messy 🙁 But since you want to solve it , everything will be ok 🙂
    I have to deal with a wall 🙂 I hope that these situations are not often.
    Maybe if I was in her place and I wanted so much to spend some time with you before sleeping , I would have asked you to go out with your partner before the appointment so we could synchronize a little . I think I would try to synchronize with you and I would expect the same from you in order to have a better flow and more time together 🙂 but again there are always other parameters .Talk Talk Talk to each other. explore your expectations from the relationship !! Good luck !

    #50414
    Annie P
    Participant

    I think she was definitely overreacting. She shouldnt NEED you to come home at a specific time just to be happy. If you are a trustworthy guy and as considerate as you sound, she should focus on that and not the one night you don’t do everything exactly the way she wants.

    #50417
    Anyone
    Participant

    She is needing your attention. May be you have got busier with your new business and she’s feeling a lack of your time and attention. I think cold and sleep issues are being portrayed as a problem for you to figure out that you need to be there for her.

    Attention works very differently for men and women. Men don’t need so much attention but some women do need and they really go crazy when they don’t have it. This has happened with me. You need to talk to your girlfriend and make her understand politely. Be frank with her, say that you love her but she is not correct to react this way (sulk). Make her understand that you’re working for both of you to have a better life; and you miss her more than she misses you….(She will stop sulking and ask..’really’?:-))Ask her to express whenever she is missing you but not go crazy like this as it could break the precious relation. And you don’t want that. And it should come from both the sides.

    Look who’s writing this….:-) a person who is divorced and had another break-up! We fail when it comes to us.

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