Forum Replies Created
February 11, 2014 at 10:02 pm #50829
First, let me say how truly sorry I am for the difficult choice you are faced with. I agree with both Mark and Lori. Every situation is different; however, it is clear that something MUST change in order for you to be happy. I am a child of divorce, and I can tell you that whether or not my parents stayed together in the same house has never been the issue. What we value and need the most from our parents is: Love, encouragement and support. I truly believe parents can provide all of those things to their children even outside the home. What is MOST upsetting for children of divorce is the following:
-To have one parent speak unkind or disrespectful words about the other
-To feel that a parent is unavailable for support during important times in the child’s life
-To feel that a parent is emotionally disconnected from the child
-To feel like a burden
The bottom line is that your kids will be happy if you focus on expressing your LOVE for your children and not the anger you might feel toward your spouse.
A few questions about your marriage:
-Was there ever a time when you were truly happy with your your current spouse? If so, have you thought about trying a different counselor? (Some are better than others)
If you feel in your heart that you have tried everything, then you should not feel guilty for wanting to be happy. Everyone deserves that. And your kids would want that for you too.
Lori also had a good suggestion regarding the trial separation – they have those options for a reason.
I hope that helps – whatever you and your husband do, please remember to respect yourselves, your children and each other – no matter how angry or disappointed you might become. Be an example of dignified behavior and love.
I wish you and your family the best – my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!
AnnieFebruary 11, 2014 at 9:21 pm #50827
Well said, Mark. I think sometimes it takes something outside your day to day life to inspire a change. Your husband will have to find that – and hopefully he will make an effort to do so. I do believe that you should make it very clear to him that you are not happy with the situation and that it is causing pain for YOU too. He might not fully understand the impact his emotions are having on you and your marriage. And that might just be the motivation he needs to start helping himself. Daily express your love and loyalty to him so that he feels your constant support. I wish you and your husband peace and happiness. I know you will have it!
AnnieFebruary 11, 2014 at 9:02 pm #50819
I’m so sorry that you are feeling sad. I believe that what these 2 ladies have said is great advice. I understand your loneliness – try to find ways to comfort yourself and create your own happiness. You have the capacity to do that.
AnnieFebruary 11, 2014 at 8:45 pm #50817
I am truly sorry to hear about your pain. I know that you must feel lost, but please believe that it is completely normal to feel this way and that you WILL make it through this difficult transition.
Just DONT GIVE UP.. I am not a doctor; however, in my own experience, I found medication to be a good way to start healing.
I was in the same position – my work and personal life was in such disarray that I didnt even recognize myself. I was too empty and had nothing to give anyone – not even myself. I had no energy to put towards improving my situation – I was starting to sink. And then, I started to fight – It took a few months, but I got help – my doctor found a medication that worked tremendously to ease my pain and anxiety. . I was getting sleep and finally had the energy to start picking myself up again. I also found that talking to someone about my situation helped a great deal.
After a while, I no longer needed the medication and have learned many invaluable things about myself. The pain that was once the darkest part of me is now what has created all of the light.
You will be fine – I promise. Just keep fighting. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
-AnnieFebruary 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm #50559
Thank you for sharing your challenge! I believe most of us have struggle with the same thing.
I think it’s a matter of recognizing the circumstances you have the ability to directly influence and focusing on making a POSITIVE contribution or impact on a negative situation when you are able…..instead of letting those unfortunate situations take you down with them.
If you hear about something that disturbs you, find some way to help – it can be as simple as sending a prayer or a positive thought. Those small things do make a difference and it creates harmony within you rather than keeping you in a dark place.
I hope that helps a little!
Take care =)
AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 8:42 pm #50534
First, let me say how deeply sorry I am. I completely feel your pain. I have been there one too many times. What you need is a distraction – on line dating for yourself. You dont even have to go on any actual dates – you can just get familiar with learning how to interact with other men. It will help – I promise:) DO IT.February 7, 2014 at 8:31 pm #50532
Anytime, Paul. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way:) Just let yourself feel everything and dont beat yourself up too much for any mistakes you may have made and will inevitably make. We all do the best we can with what we know.
AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 11:50 am #50514
I think you are right. I think it is harder to be the person that does the breaking up. I just went through the same thing last month. Follow your intuition, and tell him from a kind place, exactly why you are doing it. At least that will give him the opportunity to learn something about himself.
I am sending good thoughts your way – stay strong. I feel your pain.
AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 11:41 am #50513
What Kim just said is right. How do you feel when you focus and communicate through anger instead of love?
Its funny, but I always feel empty afterwards.
Even more funny is the fact that, when I calm down, think about what is really bothering me, and either express that truth through love or choose to let it go, I always feel peace inside.
When you focus on on something negative, that is energy that can be used for something positive that moves you forward.
Focusing on her will not change you or her. Focusing on yourself and striving to create your own happiness will give you a future.
Letting go of anger is always hard, but realizing how far ahead in life you would be if you used that energy for positive change – is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I wish you all the best and am truly sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts, but everything will be ok. Look ahead, not behind 🙂
AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 11:28 am #50512
Hi J !
What Dee just said was very well put. I felt exactly like you after an 18 year relationship ended. I was L O S T. And, like you, I am not comfortable sleeping with just anyone. So, I dont. I waited until I found someone very sweet and kind (just when I thought I was too old and that I had nothing worthy to give anyone).
I did realize, after some time, that I wasnt happy. So we ended the relationship. Immediately afterwards, I started to feel the same regrets and insecurities, and almost gave it a second try out of fear of the unknown.
But I realized that, what I needed more than anything, was to learn to love myself. And work on the parts of myself that I had been pushing to the bottom of my to-do list for far too many years.
Right now, I am striving daily to follow my intuition, to live and communicate in the moment and celebrate myself – faults, challenges and all. I dont know what the next man will be like, but I I know who I want to be when I meet him. I want to be full of love and kindness and peace about myself. And the rest, I will leave to God.
You will be fine and you will have more happiness and love than you could ever imagine if it starts from inside you first.
Take care J – we are here for you 🙂
-AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 11:09 am #50510
Your pain is a result of your deep capacity to love. Your boyfriend knows that – I I promise. You have already said and done everything you need to for him. Now its time to let God do his part in his own way with your boyfriend. You need to heal and be whole and happy on your own without anyone. That gives you great comfort and strength to handle whatever life brings you. And, Chelsea, never doubt your intuition. Do your part by following that, and trust God to do what you cant do.
You are so brave and so sweet and kind. God will bring you more love and peace and happiness than you could ever imagine – trust him to know when the time is right.
Right now, you are feeling a thousand different emotions from moment to moment – sadness, love, regret, doubt, fear. ..and relief. Embrace each one – cry when you need to – yell when you need to, and feel the great love in your heart when you need to.
You are strong – and you will be ok, I promise:)
We are here for you!! And praying for you, sweety.
-AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 10:56 am #50508
What helped me the most is to pay attention and rediscover the things I really enjoyed without any influence from anyone else. From music, to books, to hobbies, to clothes, to taking walks, and even what I liked to eat and drink….I asked myself: “If noone was here right now to approve or disapprove, what are all the little things that make up my personality and happiness?” “What else would I likd to learn more about?”
The moment I stopped looking around me and started looking inside me, I began to value myself. And, with practice, that creates self self confidence. Before you know it, you will become very comfortable with just being yourself.
Mistakes and things you would like to work on are all a part of that too. What I came to finally realize was that I am not perfect, will never be perfect and dont really need to try. Noone else is – and, we never seem to look down on others for their mistakes – it almost makes them seem more beautiful. You, like me and most everyone else, will continue to do the BEST we can with what we know at the time. Experience is a great teacher – so embrace every experience, mistake and celebrate them all – no two people have the exact same gifts and challenges. You ARE special. And by truly embracing each moment and the way YOU feel the most COMFORTABLE in each moment is what truly touches others around you. Communicate from the inside out! (Not from the the outside influence in 😉 )
There is a great book you can get on line called: “Healing Relationships From the Inside Out”. The advice applies to us as individuals and explains alot about finding and embracing our own identities.
You will be just fine – dont beat yourself up when you fall – smile and thank God for another lesson.
I hope that helps a little more – Take care!
-AnnieFebruary 6, 2014 at 8:00 am #50433
Im sure you believe in a loving God. Do you think he/she would prompt you with those intuitive feelings if there wasnt something better? Think back: anytime you have followed your intuition, hasnt it always made your life better? Do you think God would punish you for doing exactly what you felt was right? I believe our God is kind and compassionate. You cant make choices based on a future you can not experience right now – you can only do the best you can with what you know today – and carry out your decisions with kindness. I truly believe you are doing that. The previous response was absolutely correct in saying that this might not be the right time for you guys. If he gets help and works on himself, things could be different in the future, but you can only make decisions for yourself and your life – not his. What you do WILL cause him to also change – but his change is up to him. If things dont end up the way you hope they will with him, I can promise you, that it is only because God has something even better for you. Believe me – I have been through this many times, and I am always amazed to see how wonderful things end up just when I thought I would never find something better.
When you honestly follow your heart and intuition – it will always keep you on that path. Trust God.
You have a beautiful life waiting for you – I promise:)
We are here for you!!!! 🙂February 5, 2014 at 10:52 pm #50414
I think she was definitely overreacting. She shouldnt NEED you to come home at a specific time just to be happy. If you are a trustworthy guy and as considerate as you sound, she should focus on that and not the one night you don’t do everything exactly the way she wants.February 5, 2014 at 10:41 pm #50413
Aww Chelsea 🙂
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through your first breakup – it’s hard. And it’s painful. But I am so proud of you for following your intuition – sometimes that is the only guide we have when something is not working and we can’t really put our finger on why.
How to get through it -by taking it one day at a time, by crying when you need to and by realizing this: You did the best you could with what you have learned in your life up until that point. The fact that you feel sad is a glaring reminder of how loving and compassionate you are. Focus on that. You had the courage and good sense to follow your intuition – which is a lesson that takes many of us a lifetime to master.
Of course I will pray for you. You have a sweet and beautiful soul and you will meet someone equally worthy to one day share your life with:)