February 7, 2014 at 8:38 am #50503angry after so longParticipant
She cheated on me 9 months ago. I started reading tiny budhdha and started to heal myself, however, somewhere in the middle i ended up pretending to be fine (the constant ” be a man , move on” reminders) but of lately with her bday and Valentines day coming up, the emotions are swirling up again, i meditate, but the hate, just this hate consumes me. I never thought I could hate someone so much, let alone her, and this after i try to tell myself i have the choice to let go and not feel it. I wish to email her with this, really tell her what i think of her cheating and lying ( the truth she could never fess’ed up to) and call her things I could never imagine I could call any woman, but I stopped, now I m waiting to tell her this if she contacts me (my ” i ll get closure if.. moment) I just hope this gets better, 9 months for a 3 yr relationship seems too long. Thanks for everyones writings, prevents me from doing something stupid..February 7, 2014 at 9:59 am #50504AnonymousInactive
i know what you mean. got dumped after one year via email. shittiest thing ever. trouble is – we choose. learning to let go is of crucial importance. a wise woman advised me to punch a pillow instead of flirting and dancing with resentment. all the best.February 7, 2014 at 10:25 am #50505JadeParticipant
Whenever a friend asks me about closure, I point them in the direction of this post: http://adultingblog.com/post/49320446481
Basically, “closure” is an imaginary thing we wish we could get but never truly occurs in real life. The most we can do is be kind to ourselves and respect ourselves, grieve for what once was and realize the ways in which our suffering in the past makes us stronger in the present.February 7, 2014 at 11:26 am #50511KimParticipant
Hey, I just split up with my boyfriend because he wants to keep playing the field. I’m furious and sad and I emailed him everything. Told him exactly what I thought. It didn’t really help. I’m still upset. I’m doing my best to acknowledge the pain is mine and that he needs to do what he needs to do. I guess that in 5 years time I will be so glad the guy is in my past. I deserve better than that attitude and so do you. I know its a cliche but there are better people out there.February 7, 2014 at 11:41 am #50513Annie PParticipant
What Kim just said is right. How do you feel when you focus and communicate through anger instead of love?
Its funny, but I always feel empty afterwards.
Even more funny is the fact that, when I calm down, think about what is really bothering me, and either express that truth through love or choose to let it go, I always feel peace inside.
When you focus on on something negative, that is energy that can be used for something positive that moves you forward.
Focusing on her will not change you or her. Focusing on yourself and striving to create your own happiness will give you a future.
Letting go of anger is always hard, but realizing how far ahead in life you would be if you used that energy for positive change – is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I wish you all the best and am truly sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts, but everything will be ok. Look ahead, not behind 🙂
AnnieFebruary 7, 2014 at 12:34 pm #50516Sherry DaleParticipant
I’m 6 months out and a lot of why we feel resentment is because our ego’s have taken a huge hit. I know with me, I begin to think of ways of getting revenge. I’ve heard so many people tell me “revenge won’t make you feel better.” That’s NOT true, I did get my husband’s “slut” fired from her job, and proceeded to destroy her marriage. Then I felt better. When women “chose” to cheat with a married man, well they have opened themselves up to learn a valuable lesson. I’m the teacher 🙂
Okay, so we are on this site to learn forgiveness and to find inner happiness. As long as you continue to resent her, you are giving her power. I heard a quote once that I want you to think about. “Resentments is like taking poison but waiting for your enemy to die.” It’s not about her, it’s about you and allowing yourself to find peace and happiness within yourself. She is gone, focus on what you want/need and go for it.February 7, 2014 at 1:03 pm #50517lisafinneyParticipant
I am sorry that you are going through this. There is a topic on the Home Page called ” How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure ”
I found the topic to be quiet helpful. Hopefully you will too.
Best of luckFebruary 7, 2014 at 2:30 pm #50523lisafinneyParticipant
Some more suggestions for you, that have worked for me. If you have the opportunity to sit alone….no one else in the house or apartment…where you can say out loud what you are feeling. It is totally uncensored and you get to say whatever you want. It is an opportunity to get it off your chest. I journal as well, but there is something about speaking out loud what I feel. I used to think I was crazy for doing this, but I felt so much better afterwards that I figured if it is helping me, then I am not crazy. Its a release and some things actually came to light that helped me let go even more.
Another thing you might try is looking at what you are feeling now, and how that is serving you compared to what you will gain by letting go. When I did this, the things I thought I would gain by letting go, actually made me feel motivated. And that was a much better feeling than the anger, hurt and sadness I felt.
This is not a process that happens overnight. It is a day by day thing. But looking at what your life could look like by letting go of this, and everything that entails from new relationships to new attitude, might help you move down that path. 🙂February 7, 2014 at 5:06 pm #50527angry after so longParticipant
Thank you for the support and kind words.
Sherry: I cant tell u how many times I have thought of revenge, to bad mouth her and spread it around, to call her family who loved me once, and to really go upto that scoundrel’s house who did not think twice before doing this ( he really played with her head till she gave in, kind of emotionally raped her) and let him have it.. but I always thought of myself being a better man that that and am worried these actions will ruin my life and career, only sometimes it makes me feel like a lesser man and just decreases my self esteem down to the pits, feels like i was just this weak person who stood there and did nothing, accepted all those lies, all while trying to calm her when she d cry. I hate what i had become with her.
I am so insecure with myself, cant talk to any prospects any more, I think i am too scared now. Dont know if gender plays a role here, ie is this process different for a man than a woman, do and should men cope differently to these situations. Will try counselling soon, even though I thought I would be able to get over it with introspection. I still cry and scream and exercise and medidate, but havent seen a light in this tunnel yet.
My heartfelt gratitude for everyone’s replies, they really support the healthy part of the conflict in my head.February 7, 2014 at 7:02 pm #50528MistyParticipant
Hey, I think folks have offered some really good advice so far, and I’m no yogi who has all the answers, but I empathize with you. I have some resentment too. I just wanted to say I think it’s perfectly okay and healthy to feel resentful, or any other difficult emotion, and I think what makes it less healthy is beating yourself up for feeling that way. Like Lori Densche says in her series about letting go of resentment, anger, etc, “feeling more feelings about your feelings” is the problem. I think part of it is accepting your feelings and giving yourself empathy and compassion for those feelings, taking care of yourself, holding yourself in your tender spot, as my therapist would say. That’s what nonviolent communication teaches, too – self-empathy! Self-love I think is the perfect solution, loving yourself even when you’re not where you think you should be. It’s ok for you to feel like you do, totally understandable, normal, and remember – it won’t always be like this, we’ll heal with time 🙂
I have found that I have gained a LOT from saying daily affirmations that I wrote down and carry around with me. These have been one of the most positive things in my life and can really change your thinking if you say them often enough, for long enough, and if you are patient with yourself and the process. There are millions of them at free affirmations dot org, and also googling 101 inner peace affirmations I HIGHLY recommend! Write down your favorite ones, edit them some if you want, and say them every day or so for three months, and see if anything has changed in your thinking and feelings 😀
Another thing is when I got cheated on, I was really hurt, and one day I wrote down in my magic book everything I wanted in a partner and eventually I GOT that partner! He’s REAL! 😀 He’s not perfect, and we still have problems, but he’s perfect for me, and if my ex hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have found this love of my life. So maybe in a few years you’ll thank her when you’re with the right one!
I would caution you against saying he emotionally raped her, though, as I am very sensitive to calling anything rape when it’s NOT, because that’s a VERY serious thing and I don’t think that word should be used lightly at all. He may have manipulated her, or something like that, but she chose to do what she did, all by herself – she is an adult, right? No one is forced to cheat and lie, and women are just as capable of making decisions as men.
But anyway, I think you have a right to feel bad, and “the pain will ease” as Mimi in “RENT” says 😀 Take care of yourself, practice self-love, and be patient with your healing 🙂 You’re not alone, pass your wisdom along to others who are hurting too.February 7, 2014 at 9:01 pm #50535MattParticipant
No one is perfect. Not you. Not her. Not me. And yet we want to punish and blame and seek justice and increase the suffering of those we think have wronged us. Or perhaps we choose to be so mistrusting and closed off that we deprive ourselves of the variety of experiences with others that life offers. But what is the source of the suffering? What is the source of the resentment? I like what Sherry Dale said about taking poison and expecting your enemy to die. Another way I have heard it is chasing after someone that has started your house on fire instead of extinguishing the flames. How do you do that?! One suggestion is to pray for her and her needs for a month. Sounds ridiculous but I know this works. Because it changes our relationship with that part of ourselves that is still being hurt by the experience. Whether it was our self-esteem, pocketbooks, pride, emotional security or ambitions, resentment usually comes up when we are trying to protect or defend something that we think is ‘ours’. But everything can be taken away and everything changes. What is done is done. In this moment, if we can acknowledge this, if we can freely give away that part of ourselves that is struggling to protect, defend or punish then, at that point, there is nothing left to protect, nothing left to ‘burn’. The flames of resentment are extinguished. Another thing to consider is this: We become the thing that we hate.February 9, 2014 at 7:52 am #50575Sherry DaleParticipant
What has helped me go through this process is the “survivinginfidelity.com” they have forums where you (the betrayed partner) can scream, cuss, vent, cry, laugh, nothing is off limits. You can say what you need, nobody there will judge you, they give you positive areas to look at in the site that will help get the pain to subside. They also have places where the cheating person can vent (you can’t respond to them if there is a stop sign.) The cheater hurts too, especially if they are trying to save their marriages. This is a PROCESS that takes time. Yes, I know there are some people that simply don’t get “bugged” by being betrayed. I’m NOT one of them. We (men & women) handle the betrayal of their partner (wife, husband, etc.) pretty much the same. It rocks your very foundation, the person you trusted the most in this world has stabbed you in the back. Some of these relationships CAN be saved, but it takes work. I did get revenge, but not in a physical way. I wanted her to hurt as much as I do and she does. I was told “this won’t make you feel better” well that wasn’t my experience at all, once I destroyed her career, her marriage, then I felt I could move on and work on me. I don’t like that fact that I HAD to do this to move on. The OTHER person, or even your partner ISN’T the issue here, it is YOU. How to heal the pain in your heart, in your soul.
I’m pretty sure the ONLY way we can find PEACE is to do this course. Nobody can heal us, it has to come from within. I have so many other “stressors” hitting me while going through this, very painful things, but I’m focusing on ME! It is OUR time to feel better and kick the resentments to the curb. They really will poison us, what’s worse is the people that have hurt us is oblivious to the turmoil inside of us (unless you are trying to reconcile.) I’m starting the journey, and I’m serious about making the changes I need to do so I can STOP HURTING….. You can do it!February 9, 2014 at 8:26 am #50579ClayParticipant
Relationships in that sense can be a tricky thing and i will admit i have not had one that has been successful. But someone reminded me the other night that i only learn through mistakes so therefore everything is successful. I can relate. I too dated someone for about 3 years and it took me about a year to get closure on it. The only way i did was we began dating again and after three weeks i realized she was the same and that it wasn’t going to work so i took that opportunity to find the closure i had been looking for for so long and broke up with in a healthy manner. I know when i get resentful there is something in myself that i have to take a look at. There is something that I’m doing that i am unaware of. I don’t get resentful as often as i used to. In fact i have come to realize that most of what i think is a resentment nowadays is just feelings of guilt, shame, anger, upset and the like. But feelings are still such a big deal to me in just learning how to deal with them the smallest one can feel like a resentment. I would like to mention that even after that closure i go in that relationship i still found myself feeling guilty for things i had done to her, getting mad at things she did and jealous of false ideas of her cheating on me or just simply beginning to date another guy. Someone mentioned to me that that was in itself still holding on. I thought letting go was simply just breaking up with her and giving up the hope of us being together, realizing that we weren’t going to work. But i also held on with all those negative feelings, i used all those feelings of guilt anger jealous and the like as an excuse to hold on. I prayed for her, i meditated, talked about it so on and so forth, but i found that all the meditation and prayer in the world will not work unless i simply just accept and let go entirely. I hope this helped.February 9, 2014 at 5:14 pm #50599ClayParticipant
Do you have others you talk to about your feelings??
Resentment is a terrible thing. About 2 years ago i was filled with them. In fact all i thought about were resentments towards myself and others and had no other space in my brain to think productively. The only way i found to deal with them was by exposing them to others. In exposing them to others i was able to see things about myself that were in fact the main creator of those feelings. One thing i saw and that i still have not gotten away from entirely was my way in dealing with my feelings which was actually self destruction. I shoved my feelings inside and that’s what created the resentments, not only towards whatever started the feelings but also towards the ways i tried dealing with them.
Relationships in that sense are a tricky thing. Shoot, for me i still struggle from time to time in all of my relationships,(by that i mean even friendships). The longest i dated someone was for 3 years as well. It was very unhealthy. I did a lot of harm to her and she did a lot of harm to me. I held on to her in my mind after we split for about 2 years. Constantly thinking about her, getting resentful at both myself and her and i never talked about how i was feeling with anyone, sadly i didn’t know how and until i learned and did that’s when the resentment started to die down. We tried dating again and when i saw that it was going to be the same i broke up with her but this time in the healthiest fashion i knew, which was we actually sat down and talked about our break up. This helped with some closure because the time before we just stopped talking to each other. But even after this break up i still found myself feeling angry, guilty, shameful and the like about past things between us and even possibilities of what it is she may be doing now as far as getting with someone else and so and so forth. Someone told me one time that even though i let go of the hope that i had in us possibly being able to work, i was still holding on to her in a negative way, i just used that negative was as a excuse to continue to hold on. When i don’t accept something as it is and hold on it is all out of fear. Fear of not being provided for, fear of not being loved, fear of the unknown, so my conditioned way is to hold on, to control which i have come find that the more i hold on and the more i try to control the weaker i become and that I am actually the one being controlled.
I hope this Helped.February 9, 2014 at 7:09 pm #50614JackieParticipant
Angry after so long,
Know that from what you’re saying, I’m getting the sense you desperately need to seek closure even though you have already tried to do so. Don’t give up. I say meet in person this time and get everything out there. If she declines, then I think her refusal is your closure in its ownself and that’s okay. You at least tried. You deserve to have your feelings put out there in the open. You deserve to fight to be happy even though some stupid chick decided to be unfaithful toward you. God Bless. I hope everything works out for you.