Thanks Clay/Jackie/ ztwilliams, I agree with the self healing part and this being an opportunity to grow, but i feel stuck, Stuck as in I need to spew this poison out to move on. I hate the phrase moving on too, but acceptance, how am i to accept the woman i trusted more than myself did this, accept that I let her walk all over me even while we were dating, how can i accept i wasnt good enough for her or man enough to tell her what i felt after and still feel. She really bullshitted me for months after i found out, and i kept buying it saying nothing, just crying, even though in the back of my head i knew she s lying. and then she lied some more, at that point i just let her go queitly and did not contact afterwards even though she kept telling me shes sorry and wanted me to take her back. But i never got to really tell her what i feel of her doings and her fake apologies, about the other guy and how i want them to suffer something similar someday. and these things haunt me, prevent me from moving on. She s even made sex dirty for me, I recently had a connection with someone and a chance of intimacy, but i bailed out , almost insulting the other girl. its really emasculating, this feeling of self hate and inadequacy. I really hope some counselling helps me, apart from the buddhist principles of compassion and forgiveness (which i need so much right now)