Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Fallen out of love
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Mark.
February 11, 2014 at 11:41 am #50781PetuniaParticipant
I’ve been unfulfilled in my marriage for almost 10 years. I married quickly, and I know out of love, but we have very little in common besides our children. He hasn’t always had my back, and just doesn’t meet my emotional needs. I have spent the last 20+ years just going along with what he wanted to do, not wanting to start problems, not wanting to raise our kids in a home where the parents bicker, and not wanting to “crush” him, because the few times I have spoken up, he acts so wounded. He is older than me, yet thinks like an adolescent most of the time, at least his initial reactions/thoughts. I feel like he is one of my kids, too.
In the past couple of years, I’ve developed feelings for someone else, someone who I can relate to, and someone who has proven to “have my back” more than once. I;m so torn. The trouble in my marriage existed before this other person, and on one hand, this new friendship helps, and on the other, it makes things harder. My kids are older now, but I’m so scared of sentencing them to a split family. My husband knows I’m thinking of leaving. We’ve been to counseling, but it hasn’t seemed to change my feelings. He’s gone out of line by contacting my friends and parents in an effort to “straighten me out.” He’s hinted that I will have no financial security. Do I stay with someone I know I just don’t love because of that?
People who truly know me know I have been unhappy for a long time, yet he tells me this came completely out of the blue. Anytime we try to discuss things, it’s more about him than me. I feel that if i choose to stay, I am basically sentencing myself to live as I have for the rest of my life. He isn’t a terrible person, just not the person I need.February 11, 2014 at 12:46 pm #50786
I am not sure what you want from this Tiny Buddha community.
Are you looking for encouragement? just to be listened to? advice?
It seems you are conflicted with your certainity that you do not want to be with your husband and your fears of the consequences of divorce.
There is no one easy answer for there are a multitude of consequences for either which you have already identified.
Even though a lot of us have been through something similar, I feel that it is not any of our places to advise you in your own unique situation (my opinion of course). We do not really know you or your husband or your children. We don’t know your financial situation.
Perhaps a professional counselor just for you to assist you in your decision making process?
MarkFebruary 11, 2014 at 8:48 pm #50818Lori DescheneKeymaster
This section of the forums is a place for people to “share their truth.” It’s not so much about advice (though people are free to seek it) as it about sharing whatever it is we be tempted to hide. You can read more about this here:
I can only imagine how tough this has been for you, trying to do right by your children, but knowing in your heart that staying with your husband is not the right choice for you. Your kids are fortunate to have a mother who prioritizes their needs. Still, it sounds like your needs haven’t been met in quite a while–and what will you have left to give if you’re not also giving to yourself?
In regards to creating a split family, a story came to mind: I have a friend whose parents are still together after almost three decades, but neither of them have been happy in years. My friend has told me that he wishes his parents split up because he loves both and wants better for both of them. I imagine that when your children have the benefit of adult reasoning, they will feel the same about you.
If you’ve tried counseling and you still feel certain that you’d be unhappy if you’d stay, have you considered a trial separation? Perhaps having some space will give you some clarity–which may give you the strength to do what it sounds like you know you need to do.
LoriFebruary 11, 2014 at 10:02 pm #50829Annie PParticipant
First, let me say how truly sorry I am for the difficult choice you are faced with. I agree with both Mark and Lori. Every situation is different; however, it is clear that something MUST change in order for you to be happy. I am a child of divorce, and I can tell you that whether or not my parents stayed together in the same house has never been the issue. What we value and need the most from our parents is: Love, encouragement and support. I truly believe parents can provide all of those things to their children even outside the home. What is MOST upsetting for children of divorce is the following:
-To have one parent speak unkind or disrespectful words about the other
-To feel that a parent is unavailable for support during important times in the child’s life
-To feel that a parent is emotionally disconnected from the child
-To feel like a burden
The bottom line is that your kids will be happy if you focus on expressing your LOVE for your children and not the anger you might feel toward your spouse.
A few questions about your marriage:
-Was there ever a time when you were truly happy with your your current spouse? If so, have you thought about trying a different counselor? (Some are better than others)
If you feel in your heart that you have tried everything, then you should not feel guilty for wanting to be happy. Everyone deserves that. And your kids would want that for you too.
Lori also had a good suggestion regarding the trial separation – they have those options for a reason.
I hope that helps – whatever you and your husband do, please remember to respect yourselves, your children and each other – no matter how angry or disappointed you might become. Be an example of dignified behavior and love.
I wish you and your family the best – my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!
AnnieFebruary 11, 2014 at 10:18 pm #50831
Thanks for the reminder Lori.
There is that fine line between suggestions and advice as well as posing questions in response to postings.February 17, 2014 at 9:07 am #51176
Plus I am confused with what I posted was so different from the other responses (including yours) in this Forum.