Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Forum Replies Created
March 10, 2016 at 9:04 pm #98629
You’re welcome! =)March 10, 2016 at 7:55 pm #98598
Hi @Anita. I just realized I didn’t comment through my personal account. This particular challenge is from the month related to authenticity. The purpose is simply to share things we may feel ashamed about so that we’re better able to be authentic with each other. Perhaps you could reply by doing the challenge yourself, if you’d like!April 24, 2015 at 12:19 am #75752
I know this post is a week old, but I just saw it and felt compelled to respond. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It seems like a lot to deal with all at once, looking for a job, trying to find what interests you, and dealing with pressure from your parents. I can understand why you feel stressed!
Have you ever tried yoga before? Most studios do some type of work-trade, allowing you to take classes for free if you do a shift behind the desk. I did this at the lowest point in my life, when I felt lost and didn’t have much money. It was life-changing for me, because it helped me manage my overwhelming stress, provided me with a sense of community, and also helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life (a consequence of much clearer thinking!)
Meditation is certainly helpful, but if you’re doing it by yourself, it’s not always easy to be consistent. It’s easier to make mindfulness a habit when your practice involves other people.
Regarding your living situation, could you stay with a relative for a while? It sounds like your home environment is pretty unhealthy. I imagine it would be tough to change that without a job–but if you could stay with a friend or family member, even just a few days a week, that would give you some space away from that drama.
I know this may all seem overwhelming right now, but please know it won’t always be like this. You’re just starting your adult life, and it takes time to figure things out, but you will in time. Try to be gentle with yourself and trust that if you keep exploring your options, you will eventually find work you enjoy, and things will start coming together.
You are in my thoughts!
LoriFebruary 11, 2014 at 8:48 pm #50818
This section of the forums is a place for people to “share their truth.” It’s not so much about advice (though people are free to seek it) as it about sharing whatever it is we be tempted to hide. You can read more about this here:
I can only imagine how tough this has been for you, trying to do right by your children, but knowing in your heart that staying with your husband is not the right choice for you. Your kids are fortunate to have a mother who prioritizes their needs. Still, it sounds like your needs haven’t been met in quite a while–and what will you have left to give if you’re not also giving to yourself?
In regards to creating a split family, a story came to mind: I have a friend whose parents are still together after almost three decades, but neither of them have been happy in years. My friend has told me that he wishes his parents split up because he loves both and wants better for both of them. I imagine that when your children have the benefit of adult reasoning, they will feel the same about you.
If you’ve tried counseling and you still feel certain that you’d be unhappy if you’d stay, have you considered a trial separation? Perhaps having some space will give you some clarity–which may give you the strength to do what it sounds like you know you need to do.
LoriOctober 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm #43447
What a great idea, to ask for the community’s input in creating your relationship webinar! I moved this thread to the “Projects That Need Support” section because I think this fits well here.
I’m going to check out the download now. =)
LoriSeptember 3, 2013 at 7:21 pm #41703
You’re most welcome. I can relate, as I also struggled with depression and had a hard time accepting myself, starting when I was very young. That’s wonderful, that you’re planning to help others. I’m sure your openness and commitment to growth will inspire other people. Thank you again for starting this thread!September 2, 2013 at 10:55 pm #41615
Awesome list, Casey! It sounds like you’re a great friend to have. Here’s mine:
1. I’m compassionate. Some people call me a “bleeding heart,” but I think it’s far better than the alternative!
2. I think outside the box. I rarely do anything just because other people are doing it or it’s because I’m told it’s what I “should” do. In fact, I usually question everything I’m told to be sure it makes sense for me.
3. I’m adventurous. I’ve created a lot of exciting possibilities for myself, and I’m always open to new ones.
4. I’m a talented writer. I love knowing that I’ve used this talent to help and inspire others.
5. I enable other people to inspire, as well. I’m proud of the time I devote to helping others craft and share their stories for the Tiny Buddha blog.
Thank you for sharing this exercise here. It made me feel good to put this list together.
How are things going with you, in terms of your depression?September 1, 2013 at 8:37 pm #41549
I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your wife have been going through. I know from experience how tough therapy can be at times; it certainly brings up a lot of emotions. It sounds like the problem isn’t just about getting rid of jealousy, since she actually gave you a reason to be jealous in having an emotional affair. Has she told you why she had it? Do you feel you’re both making progress in counseling? I suspect it will be easier to let go of these feelings if you could feel some sense that things are improving between the two of you–that you’re not going to be permanently stuck in this limbo-like place.
Sending good thoughts your way,
LoriMay 15, 2013 at 2:02 am #35606
Thank you so much! =)May 6, 2013 at 2:16 am #35164
You’re most welcome Melissa. I’ve had the same experience with meditation; it tends to bring a lot up. You don’t have a weak mind! It just takes some time to work through the feelings and find a sense of peace with the past. I think if you continue meditating (and praying if that helps), you will start seeing some internal shifts in time. It really does heal all wounds! It may also help to look in the mirror once a day (or more if you’d like) and tell yourself, “It’s not your fault. You did your best. I forgive you and I love you.” (I know this sounds cheesy, but it helps!) Or you could also visualize the child version of yourself and imagine yourself comforting her. This is how you get strong–by doing little things every day that help you strengthen yourself.May 5, 2013 at 1:52 pm #35133
I just read through your post and I thought I’d add something to Buddhist Wife’s wonderful advice. This one act does not define you. You may have felt gross and/or ashamed in that moment, but you do not deserve to feel those things for having made this mistake.
I shoplifted when I was your age, and I also got caught and detained in a security room–with my mother, who was an aisle over when I shoplifted. Even more embarrassing (I thought), I shoplifted diet/digestive items because I had an eating disorder. I was mortified and felt completely down on myself–and then I let those feelings fuel more behavior that led me to feel ashamed. If I were to go back and talk to my younger self, I’d say, “You deserve and need your own love right now. You made a mistake, but this mistake does not make you.” Then I’d try to be objective and learn what feelings inspired my actions instead of letting my feelings control me.
That’s something that could help you right now, as Buddhist Wife recommended. If you can get to the root of the feelings beneath this incident and learn something that can help you going forward, it can even end up being a positive experience.
So that’s my advice: try to figure out what led you to do what you did, and then find a lesson in that to help you move forward wiser and stronger. If I were there right now and it didn’t weird you out, I’d give you a big hug–as would anyone who could see just how much you’re hurting in this moment. I know it’s physically impossible, but mentally give one to yourself!
LoriMay 5, 2013 at 7:39 am #35122
I’ve learned to analyze less and let myself be more. Trees and animals don’t think about what they “should” be–they just are! They do what comes naturally because they don’t have the awareness of any of other option.May 5, 2013 at 7:37 am #35121
I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. What a nightmare! I can understand your feelings about this. He treated you horribly, and at the time, you didn’t think to take legal action against him. It makes sense–you likely felt all kinds of conflicting emotions and just dealing with them took a lot of energy.
I highly doubt he is completely happy right now. Clearly he has a lot of his own issues or he wouldn’t have treated you as he did. He directed a ton of rage at you, which tells me he’s carrying around a world of pain. But more importantly, you are fortunate to be free of that horrible relationship now. Whether he’s happy or not, you now have a chance to be happy if you’re able to focus on the present, not the past.
Have you ever tried meditation before? It’s a great way to clear your head and come into the present moment. It will help you avoid replaying in your head what happened and what you could have/should have done. You can actually find all kinds of guided meditations on YouTube. Just search for “regret” and “meditation” or “let go” and meditation.”
Also, you may find these posts helpful:
I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts!
LoriApril 21, 2013 at 2:13 pm #34121
I just read through your post, and I felt compelled to respond because my heart goes out to you. I don’t know much about what it’s like with the caste system, so it’s hard for me to advise you. I hope someone else in the community will be able to offer some advice from experience. I know you mentioned that your parents want you to leave the house. Is it more that they want you to get married now, or that they want you to move out? Do most women leave the house only when they get married there? Is there someone else you could live with while you wait for your boyfriend to be ready for marriage? Do people do that where you live?
I’m glad the post have strengthened you!
LoriApril 15, 2013 at 8:57 pm #33867
Thanks Tom. This helps a lot. Recently I’ve told myself that if I do my best and things don’t get done, then things will simply need to take more time–which sounds like a simple conclusion, but it’s something I easily forget when I get busy.
I want to start outsourcing. I find myself doing a lot of repetitive tasks that anyone could do if I showed them how. I know that once I get those off my plate, I’ll have a lot more breathing room!