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Fears that are holding me in pain

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  • #50496
    Jburd
    Participant

    Hi, just joined Little Buddha since I have been reading here regularly after my breakup with a 4 year, what I thought was perfect, relationship. Until now I have been very very down. But I am trying to do some healing now and I read that I need to figure out my fears to get past them in the healing process. SO I have listed up the fears that popped in my head. I don’t know really what more I should do now that I have listed them? ANy help?

    future is black, I cannot even think about it because:
    if I love again I will be hurt again
    If I don’t love again I will be alone
    I am afraid to be alone
    I am afraid of being lonely
    I am afraid of getting older and not being attractive
    I am afraid of setting a bad example for my girls
    I am afraid I am not really focused on my girls right now, only part in the moment
    I am afraid I will not be happy alone
    I am afraid that I will give up and not let anyone in
    I won’t be able to love again because no one will compare to relationship with ex
    Afraid I won’t be attracted to man without good body because of ex
    If I try new relationship will experience unpleasant sex ( i have only been with 2 men in 20 years)
    …will feel disgusted with self for having sex with wrong man
    ….will try and fail again and again

    The last 3 were issues I also had before I met my 4 year boyfriend but because the attraction was so strong, I was able to get through those fears with the ex and had a very good experience. But I see that those fears are still here, they haven’t been removed just by that one positive relationship.

    On the positive side
    I am not afraid I will pick a bad man, I have learned to judge them better. But a good man does not guarantee a permanent relationship
    I am not blaming myself (I am not afraid I am unlovable)-. I did learn to love myself after my divorce and before the last ex. And that is not damaged

    Thaniks for any replies
    J

    #50506
    dee
    Participant

    As someone who lets fear run the show a lot myself, I can relate. Eckhart Tolle says something like, ‘Anxiety is the fear of the future, and depression is regret about the past. Both prevent us from being in the present moment.’

    Your fears have a lot of ‘what ifs’ in them – hopefully you see that many of these fears will probably never come to fruition. So I find myself asking, ‘Why should I worry about something that may or may not ever happen to me?’ As far as no one comparing to the relationship with your ex, how do you know that in 2, 3, or 5 years you won’t meet someone who will make your relationship with your ex pale in comparison? Meaning, it really is a choice as to whether we are excited about the possibilities of our future or fear the worst. You will not be old in a few years. Age is a state of mind, and someone who is 43 is just as deserving of love as someone who’s 23.

    I truly believe there is just as much possibility that the opposite outcome will happen for every one of your fears listed. For example:

    I WILL be able to love again because am love.
    I will not give up and not let others in, because I am a fighter.
    I will be happy alone and enjoy new hobbies and have fun learning who I am.
    I have learned from this experience, which will help me be a good example for my girls.
    Not being in a relationship right now is giving me the ability to focus more on my girls.

    In my meditations, as fears arise, such as the one you listed above: “I am afraid to be alone,” I ask: WHY? Perhaps the reason is something like, “I don’t know what I enjoy doing by myself,” which is a relatively easy thing to explore. Perhaps your answer would be, “I don’t want to sit with my thoughts.” Again, question yourself: WHY? I’ve gotten to some real breakthroughs by simply asking Why Why Why Why Why.

    When we realize that everything has an ending: jobs, relationships, friendships, youth, pain, loneliness, even life itself, it can help us to be less attached to expectations and instead be thankful for this very moment. And the next, and the next. They’re all a gift! My best to you.

    -Dee

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by dee.
    #50512
    Annie P
    Participant

    Hi J !

    What Dee just said was very well put. I felt exactly like you after an 18 year relationship ended. I was L O S T. And, like you, I am not comfortable sleeping with just anyone. So, I dont. I waited until I found someone very sweet and kind (just when I thought I was too old and that I had nothing worthy to give anyone).

    I did realize, after some time, that I wasnt happy. So we ended the relationship. Immediately afterwards, I started to feel the same regrets and insecurities, and almost gave it a second try out of fear of the unknown.

    But I realized that, what I needed more than anything, was to learn to love myself. And work on the parts of myself that I had been pushing to the bottom of my to-do list for far too many years.

    Right now, I am striving daily to follow my intuition, to live and communicate in the moment and celebrate myself – faults, challenges and all. I dont know what the next man will be like, but I I know who I want to be when I meet him. I want to be full of love and kindness and peace about myself. And the rest, I will leave to God.

    You will be fine and you will have more happiness and love than you could ever imagine if it starts from inside you first.

    Take care J – we are here for you 🙂
    -Annie

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