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February 7, 2014 at 10:57 am #50509deeParticipant
Great advice from Annie. I grew up in an alcoholic home and learned early on to not complain, not ‘rock the boat’ and before I knew it, I became a caretaker and never wanted the focus to be on me….and then found myself wondering later in life why I felt so lost and unloved and worn out from overextending myself in every single relationship!
Another thing I’ve begun doing, during meditation, is some positive self-talk. I befriend myself, and wrap my arms around myself (literally!) and quietly give myself genuine and very real compliments. ‘You did so good on that project at work today,’ ‘I think you are a really good yoga teacher,’ ‘You are a very resilient woman, it’s no wonder your friends look up to you.’ I also sometimes practice loving my body, part by part, instead of focusing on a bulge here or a wrinkle there. After a few moments of this, I usually have tears streaming down my face but I truly believe it’s important to be your own BFF! If YOU love YOU, it becomes less important whether or not everyone else in the world does.February 7, 2014 at 10:32 am #50506deeParticipant
As someone who lets fear run the show a lot myself, I can relate. Eckhart Tolle says something like, ‘Anxiety is the fear of the future, and depression is regret about the past. Both prevent us from being in the present moment.’
Your fears have a lot of ‘what ifs’ in them – hopefully you see that many of these fears will probably never come to fruition. So I find myself asking, ‘Why should I worry about something that may or may not ever happen to me?’ As far as no one comparing to the relationship with your ex, how do you know that in 2, 3, or 5 years you won’t meet someone who will make your relationship with your ex pale in comparison? Meaning, it really is a choice as to whether we are excited about the possibilities of our future or fear the worst. You will not be old in a few years. Age is a state of mind, and someone who is 43 is just as deserving of love as someone who’s 23.
I truly believe there is just as much possibility that the opposite outcome will happen for every one of your fears listed. For example:
I WILL be able to love again because am love.
I will not give up and not let others in, because I am a fighter.
I will be happy alone and enjoy new hobbies and have fun learning who I am.
I have learned from this experience, which will help me be a good example for my girls.
Not being in a relationship right now is giving me the ability to focus more on my girls.
In my meditations, as fears arise, such as the one you listed above: “I am afraid to be alone,” I ask: WHY? Perhaps the reason is something like, “I don’t know what I enjoy doing by myself,” which is a relatively easy thing to explore. Perhaps your answer would be, “I don’t want to sit with my thoughts.” Again, question yourself: WHY? I’ve gotten to some real breakthroughs by simply asking Why Why Why Why Why.
When we realize that everything has an ending: jobs, relationships, friendships, youth, pain, loneliness, even life itself, it can help us to be less attached to expectations and instead be thankful for this very moment. And the next, and the next. They’re all a gift! My best to you.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by dee.