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Possible reconciliation?

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  • #40904
    Jeff
    Participant

    This is the very basic story. My wife wants us to start trying to work on the marriage again after her leaving it about a year ago because she was unhappy. I have said from the beginning that it was a mistake, because I don’t believe we tried hard enough to work together on it. We’ve been in mediation and working toward the divorce, but now she thinks we should try to work on things. I did tell her that we need to really communicate and that both of us need to make some changes to our lives. Neither was blameless in the breakup and now we need to work together. I spelled out things I need from her- commitment to the marriage on an emotional and physical level, making the marriage as important as other things. She in turn needs me to be far more supportive (which is very true) and to pull back as I can be very intense emotionally. I want to believe her, but that trust has gone away since she left. Still, for her to want to take this step is huge- and to back out of what she said about working on it would border on cruelty. Am I a fool for wanting to do this? Am I setting myself up for her to leave again?

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Jeff.
    #40907
    lucia
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    You got to ask yourself what you really want. What makes you truly happy? It definitely takes two people to make a relationship work and no one really knows what the future holds. Something I realized after the second and last break-up with my ex, we should have started back at square one instead of jumping back into where we left off. That’s about all the advice I can give you. I think that might be the only way to know if things will be different this time around. Those are my two cents. I hope this helps even if it’s just a little bit.

    I hope you find happiness in whichever direction you choose to go.

    Lucia

    #40908
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    I don’t think it is foolish to want to work on your marriage. From what you have written it seems that you still love your wife and want to be married to her, so wanting to save your relationship isn’t foolish at all.

    I seems to me that if you want to do this, you’ll have to do it before your trust for her is up to a level that you are comfortable with. Trust at this kind of depth is earned and I think you can only build it back up by spending more time together. I think it will be years in the making.

    It’s possible this could all go wrong and your wife will leave you again, but none of us can say if that will or will not happen. What I wonder is whether or not you will be happy if you don’t give this a chance. Will you always be wondering ‘what if I’d tried’? Or do you consider it too painful to go forward. Only you can decide that obviously.

    I think it is great that you are in mediation together, but I do wonder if now that you are on the reconciliation path some other form of counseling is needed for both of you? Maybe, maybe not.

    I also think it’s great that you see communication as being so important. If I were you, I would want to be clear what she means by being more supportive but pulling back when you are too emotionally intense for example. It seems to me that there could be some overlap there and you need to be clear what she is getting at.

    I wish you all the best Jeff.

    #40909
    Jeff
    Participant

    Thank you both.

    I do want this to happen. And yes, I think counseling of some sort would be in order- regular counseling, retreats, whatever. And Lucia- I think you make a great deal of sense when you talk aboutstarting at square one. In fact, she said much the same thing!

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