It seems to me that whoever this person is, they have extremely unreasonable demands and expectations. If this is how they relate to the world and the people around them I’m not surprised that they have so many problems.

You are not responsible for this person or their problems. You don’t owe them anything. They don’t own you or your time. They don’t get to define what being a good friend is.

Let’s look at it like this. Let’s say this person rings you in the middle of the night and says , Life Seeker I need £50,000 right now. You wouldn’t give them it I imagine? Even if they begged. You would probably feel frustrated and hurt too. So lets imagine you say no and explain that you don’t even have £50,000 and even if you did you couldn’t give it all to them because you need your money to take care of yourself. So you say to this person that you can give them £10,000. You can’t really afford this amount, but you feel guilty so you do it anyway. This person gets angry and bitter with you, calls you a bad friend and berates you for giving ‘only what you can’.

Ridiculous isn’t it? Yet this is exactly what this person is doing.

Your time and your life are precious, more so then money, and you are the only one who can decide how you spend them.

I feel that you need to continue down the very sensible track you have begun on. You have drawn some boundaries with this person and it seems to me that you should redefine them and reinforce them.

I would speak to them next time this issue comes up between you. I would say to them that you care for them a lot and want them to be happy, but that you cannot continue these marathon telephone sessions. Say to them that you want to hear from them but that you can only speak to them at certain times and then set times that are acceptable to you. So for example between 8pm and 10pm on Wednesdays.

If they come up with excuses, criticisms or other ways to try and have a dig at you and make you feel guilty, don’t accept it. Stick to your position. Create a script beforehand if you need to. If they keep pressing just say ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way, but this is what I need to do.’

Don’t make excuses or justify yourself. You need no justification other then this is your life, your time and you are deciding what to do with it. Don’t get drawn into making excuses about what you are doing with the rest of your time. Don’t justify it by saying ‘I need to be at a meeting’ or ‘I need to be studying’. You are perfectly entitled to be sitting around staring at your navel the rest of your evening.

Also don’t get drawn into ‘but you did this in the past’. That was then, this is now and relationships evolve. Good friends understand that our lives change us and that this in turn changes what we can give to others.

If you want to try and make something positive out of this for your friend, suggest that you try and do some more fun things together. I think it would be best to avoid going for meals or drinks as this could just evolve into more marathon ear bashing sessions. If your friend is willing try focusing on an activity that has a time limit such as playing a sport or seeing a film. If you are not geographically close maybe try online gaming or something like that. Make sure that it has a clear start and end time and make sure your friend is clear on this.

I would also suggest that you encourage your friend to seek professional help to resolve these difficult issues.

I also feel that for your own good you need to work on your self esteem and the issues that you appear to have around not being assertive enough and how easily this person has been able to make you feel guilty. Why does this person have such a hold on you and why is it they have been able to make you feel that you owe them your complete obedience and service even at the expense of your mental and physical health?

I also feel that if your friend continues to behave in this negative way you need to ask yourself if you really want to continue this relationship? From the little you have told us your friend seems to have very little respect for you, your time or your welfare and seems to be much more focused on their own.
If things don’t change you may need to look at ending this relationship.

I really hope this has helped you to achieve some of that clarity you were looking for!