Sam,

I’m impressed with the amount of time, effort and consideration you’ve put in so far. What you describe is often tricky for people with a lot of empathy, and as we experience the “dumping” of others, it can feel assaulting. Don’t despair, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a balance between being there for someone and being their toilet. On one hand, sharing our stress is an important part of its unwinding for many, and so having the freedom to express our pain is important. That being said, if our partner is consistently in a space of stress and dumping, it can be disorienting and erode the intimacy. Much like we don’t usually wish to kiss a snorting bull, our affection pulls away from anger and stress. That you’re looking for a way to approach her differently, more skillfully is great.

The breakthrough for me was when one of my teachers helped me see the powerful teaching quality of pain and suffering. These vibrant experiences that grab your partner and twist her mind and emotions into a frenzy are very real for her, and just because we can see them with more detachment doesn’t mean the maze on her side isn’t very convincing. On your side, however, its co-inspiring a maze in your own body, such as feeling assaulted, feeling overcome, burdened, overwhelemed by her energy. This is normal, usual, and understandable.

What we can do see the situation more clearly, and instead of trying to work on it from their side, work on it from our own. For instance, there is a story of the Buddha standing in the pathway of a rampaging elephant, and he remained undisturbed, and because of that, could reach out to the elephant and help it settle. There was no need to dodge or whip or lure or plot or plan, just the in breath and out breath.

This same approach is helpful in relating to passionate expression, such as your partner’s dumping. As she’s venting, perhaps your love and commitment for her pulls you close to the energy, to her, and so you’re feeling the tangles and fire very directly. Instead, you can sit and move most of your attention to the breath, like we do in meditation. As we just breathe with the dumping, make space around it by letting it wash over us, most times the tornado simply evaporates. Said differently, as you notice that your mind begins to grab on or push aside the words and feelings she is presenting, its OK and quite helpful to intentionally do nothing with it. Just listen to the words, assign them no meaning, and allow yourself to just see “my love is suffering and venting”. Then the heart remains unburdoned by what has been said, because inside your own body you have kept the space open, let the moment slide past. This naturally helps those around us also feel the spaciousness, because as we sit and listen and hug without doing anything else, the stability in us is shared with them.

What arises is a view of them more completely. For instance, say our partner consistently stubs their toe on the couch. Then, the pain of that stubbing leads them down a trail of cursing and blaming and yelling and all sorts of nonsense. If we don’t become personally assaulted by the swearing and yelling (“I want this space to be quiet and peaceful, and you are stopping that”) and just see them as having a cathartic moment (“swearing makes pain hurt less, I wish for her to hurt less, swear away, I’ll be the peaceful environment I’ve been seeking”) then it becomes very simple. Consider that pain has a way of making the most generous of us quite selfish.

That being said, there is no reason our life needs to be an endurance trial, and there are some who are so entrenched in patterns that they look for couches to kick. What you have in front of you is between you and your heart, so knowing where to apply your efforts is within your own wisdom, which I trust. The only redirection is that because the girlfriend’s energy appears outside us, we assume the difficulty we have with the energy is also outside us, which is not the case. Our mind clamps down and bounces around, spinning our heart and making it dizzy. Do you happen to do any metta meditation? Metta practice helps strengthen our connection to peace and kindness, which goes a long way when the clouds gather. Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt