My sister and I have been in conflict most of our lives. She tends to get angry about petty things and claims that I intentionally hurt her and have an agenda against her. Many times I have asked her to at least allow me the opportunity to explain my side. That rarely happens because she becomes silently resentful but puts on a social face of acceptance. She can be quite cruel with her judgments of me. Recently I was invited to a family event, to which I had to decline because I have severe degenerative disc disease and have been in much pain for years. I am unable to walk for more than 10 minutes before experiencing nerve pain in my leg. The result is that I must modify my activity based on my pain. This means turning down some invites because of the challenges that an environment can present to be.
Recently her daughter had a party at a stadium (which would require a long walk to my seat, even if dropped off at the door. Then sitting on wooden chairs is painful. The other invite was a trip to her daughter’s shore house, which is 3 hours each way – and long car rides are not comfortable.
I declined the invite saying I was not up to participating and have been in the dog house ever since. I sent several e mails to my niece to explain my situation, and I even acknowledge that I certainly did not want to hurt or disappoint her with my actions. I also offered to talk face to face. She never responded to my correspondence. Oh I forgot to mention that 4 weeks prior to one of the events my daughter was diagnosed with MS. I was in no condition physically or emotionally to attend a party.
I never even received a call from anyone in my family expressing concern for me or my daughter.
My sister claimed that she was aware of my physical condition, but I seem to be able to do things with other people. A very cruel and unsympathetic statement. Anyone suffering chronic pain can tell you that what you can do differs from day to day. I have had to decline many invitations of the course of 12 years and it has been a difficult thing to accept. My own children seem to understand when I cannot physically do something with them – so this problem is certainly not exclusive to my relationship with my sister. And quite frankly I think it is hurtful to suggest that someone who suffers with any limiting condition, could be accused of using their illness as a way to reject someone. I certainly would not choose to be limited in my function.. I can chalk some of this up to ignorance and the inability to see another’s point of view but it just seems that she is always thinking the worst of my intentions. The few time we have discussed – she doesn’t believe my explanations and seems to want to remain angry. I feel it is her way of punishing me. Prior to this I felt the only way to have a somewhat social relationship for my family sake, I kept my self slightly distanced from her – seeing her usually at Christmas time. I always treated everyone with respect and kindness.
Now I am really upset that both her and her daughter seem to want to punish me by ignoring my offer to communicate. After making all these accusations about my choices and intentions, she then says she want to wipe the slate clean and meet for coffee never acknowledging any responsibility for her actions.
I finding this hard to swallow. I feel she is toxic and taught her daughter to be toxic and unforgiving. I don’t want to play the victim, but I want her to know that her assumptions were wrong, her words were cruel, and that unless she could treat me with respect and empathy, I don’t see anyway to exist other than to keep a safe distance. I feel like I now need to practice “self compassion”. Regardless of who did what – when someone tries to heal the relationship with honest communication and that is met with anger, resentment and denial – I can’t imagine me accepting that – would be a road towards a happy and health sister relationship. I feel life is challenging enough without allowing people to dump toxins and judgments into your soul – and then expect YOU to turn the other cheek and rise above the pettiness. Anyway, I would love to hear some comments and suggestions from strangers because I know we often cannot see too clearly when we are close to the situation. I have a large capacity for forgiveness – but I feel that unless she acknowledges her responsibility for her own actions – I feel there would not be a genuine healing of the relationship – and I would be enabling her to continue to treat me that way in the future. Hurtful behavior has consequences and I feel I’m best to set boundaries that if she can’t treat me with love and respect – I cannot engage in relationship….Thanks for listening…..