Forum Replies Created
June 19, 2014 at 10:51 pm #59219
Thanks for your insight and I agree with many of the points you made. I must say we tried several therapy session years ago, which he was quite defensive and angry about and refused to ever to that again. Although relationships should not be about money, money is a vehicle to having “power” in a relationship and exerting control.
I have been unhappy for a very long time and the fact of the matter is because I am not physical 100%, I cannot work enough to support myself….having to settle and live with someone who has not honored my contribution to creating a beautiful family – seems hopeless and unsatisfying.
PS – I have never misused family funds, or went shopping on his dime or any other spending frenzy – I gave him no cause to exclude me in the financial process. I am very hurt that he cannot see that I contributed just as much with supporting my family in other ways. We all know that monthly expenses are only half of the costs of living a family life.
Thanks you again for your input…….October 17, 2013 at 5:52 pm #43950
I’ve been struck by following this story and there are so many human experiences folded into your experience. I can share what I think are some common threads and deep understanding for your situation. As you may or not remember from one of my posts – I am a nurse. Similar to a teacher, I’ve been entrusted with a job of protecting, educating and helping people (as you have with children).
I firmly believe that the “helping” professions carry the burden of “numbers”. We deal with feeling responsible. We’ve worked with maybe hundreds of people throughout our careers – so the volume – changes our ability to sometimes put things into perspective. We are surrounded daily with the “injustices” of our profession. We are living it every day, with every person we interact with – and over time – despite our efforts to help – it can seem like the injustices never change. That can be extremely frustrating.
For years I worked with oncology patients, and I was surrounded every day by people who were sick, deteriorating, trying very hard to heal, and ultimately dying. The burden of caring for so many terminally ill people over the years – was overwhelming. And I struggled with feeling like no matter what I did, or how hard I worked, or how much compassion I gave – hundreds of people continued to dye of cancer everyday. So what had I done? (often I asked myself)
What I had done, was to help someone walk their path – and provide a little assistance. I never changed the physical outcome – but my support was emotionally beneficial.
I’m simply pointing out that certain professions – instill in us a false sense of responsibility for someone’s outcome. We can only be responsible for ourselves of course, but performing our jobs with integrity – as you have – is a huge gift to the world.
You can’t be emotionally unaffected by what you do – because you interact with the children on such a deep emotional level – it’s hard to disconnect personally. That is what makes you good at what you do – you connect – you care – and that puts you smack in the middle of each child’s emotional tangle. I hope that something I shared provided some comfort. You should be very proud of what you do and just know that you are planting seeds in every child you touch. Good luckOctober 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm #43944
I’m so sorry that you are having difficult times. I understand how overwhelming bad times can be and despite the fact that we should just – LET GO, God I’m starting to hate that phrase), moving through complicated situations with complicated relationships – is just NOT EASY. So I just want to validate your experience. It sucks, it’s painful and confusing – and I think the place to start is to acknowledge what you feel. Just give yourself permission to be affected by your situation – which is just reality – we all are affected by our lives – people and circumstances – and yes we have a CHOICE to react or respond – but sometimes we are blind sided – and the shit is so thick – that we just get stuck for awhile. But the worst thing, I think, is to have someone TELL you what you should be doing or what you should not be feeling.
This is your life – and your experience. We cannot change what we don’t acknowledge. So for now, just acknowledge your situation and your feelings. How else can you know what is right for you – until you know your own truth.
You will be able to move through this, at whatever pace serves you. And you will be so proud to look back and see all you were able to accomplish. As a nurse, I would like to suggest that you contact your local clinic or health department and ask to speak to a nurse in your community. She can provide resources that can help you get on track and because money is an issue, you may qualify for low cost or free counseling services. If you need medication, every pharmaceutical company as what they call and indigent program whereby they provide free medication to people who qualify financially. No one should go without medical and/or mental health treatment due to lack of finances and insurance. Check out health clinics in your area, public health and ask to be evaluated for assistance.
That will take an enormous amount of energy – with calls and appointments at first. So your first priority is to get help and get healthy. From there you can begin to look at what other steps and or life boundaries may be right for you.
When life is this overwhelming it helps to guide someone into identifying their challenges – then prioritizing them. We can’t do everything all at once no matter how much we want to or need to.
I’ve always found it helpful to journal – it gives me an outlet for my feelings and identifies for me what issues I’m dealing with. You have all the wisdom you need – right inside of you – so trust in your ability to access it. It will come. But there is no doubt that life can get us tangled up like a kitten with ball of yarn.
I hope something I said helped and I’m here to listen – should you just need an ear.
Keep up the good work – you are doing the best you can. Just reach out for help and get healthy – the rest will come. Peacefully, PatOctober 15, 2013 at 6:06 pm #43833
If I may, I would like to offer some insight from my perspective as a nurse. You haven’t mentioned if this child has been evaluated by a mental health professional. If not, I think that is a great place to start. Maybe you could help facilitate counseling. Judging by what you have shared, I would hope this child is receiving professional help. I understand your desire to want to protect the other children – as they are entrusted to you daily. That is a responsibility, similar to my profession as a nurse – and we have a moral obligation to act toward protection. I’ve struggled with the same concept when dealing with a doctor, with whom I don’t agree – and because my job is to advocate for the patient – my opinion sometimes clashes with the doctors. I feel that if I can share what I see or know to be true to people that can impact the situation – it always makes me feel like I did the best I could. That doesn’t guarantee the outcome but at least I tried to move things in a positive direction – and I can feel good about that.
I wish you success with your challenge and I pray for the student who struggles with his behavior.
PatAugust 28, 2013 at 4:00 pm #41358
I am so moved to share my thoughts with you, if humbly I may. I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. Your story, as Matt said is amazing as it shows your capacity for compassion and putting that compassion into action by helping others. This is something I can relate to as a 58 year old nurse, I have spent a life time helping others. Much the same as you, put in a position of caring and helping very early on by my family. I became the one who found a way to nurture, make things right and overall put any one and every one before my own needs. Then I decided to become a nurse, a life long dream, but didn’t do it until the age of 31 with 2 children. I’ve spent over 25 years caring for people and doing anything I could do to ease suffering, including watching and helping them die. I was always reaching out to help someone and going well out of my way to do anything I could to help.
I’ve realized a lot about myself and my own suffering recently when my daughter was diagnosed with MS. I have been devastated. So sad and fearful for her and angry that I cannot protect my child from life. A lot of other life challenges happened this year as well, I had a car accident, I fell on ice at work, my employer denied me insurance coverage, I have a workers compensation law suit against them, I have serious health issues related to the fall and 2 close friends move out of state and another passed away from lung cancer. My daughters (grown) live in NYC which is about an hour from me and with my back problems, traveling is difficult. So I felt very alone. I looked around my life and did not see anyone – family & friends, offering support, care or concern. All I heard was – well you know how “they” are. I had spent so many years and so much energy always supporting everyone else – and when I needed the same – no one was there.
Boy was I (and still am) angry. I never did what I did for pay back – but what the hell – what happened to Karma.
I felt very betrayed, and like you, mad at myself thinking that I created all this by not balancing my giving. I also must say that as a fellow “people pleaser” I have found that my circle of friends and family seemed to gravitate towards me “because of my ability to help and support”. So everyone around me needed me, yet they were not capable of giving me what I needed. A tough place to be!
I’ve struggled recently, like you with blaming myself. I try to convince myself to “shut out” these people that can’t be there in the way I want or need them to. When I do that, I don’t feel like me. It is not me to turn away from people.
I’ve come to think that those of us who are born and breed to be compassionate, helping beings – are unique creatures. Capable of being around pain and coming out the other side, the world needs us. I agree that out of balance – we will drain as you and I both have done. It is difficult for a people pleaser or care give to reinforce or even see boundaries when someone is hurting. We just jump into the water – swim to the victim – not just throw in the life line. We swim in and drag them out, sometimes almost taking ourselves with them.
So for me, and I don’t know if you will find any wisdom in this – is about learning and more importantly accepting who I am. It is a wonderful gift to be a compassionate human being. Courageous to be able to sit with someone in the midst of their pain. That takes strength.
My advise to you is to see yourself as the wonderful gift you are. Your compassion is boundless. Balance and caring for yourself is a must. It is true you cannot give what you don’t have and like you, when I was depleted, I was unable to help myself.
I’ve learned that I cannot change who I am. I am proud of the fact that I have helped so many people without judgment. I don’t have to “change” myself – I just need to establish better boundaries. But the bottom line is that people like us rarely get the return compassion that we provide to others. And when we do so much for so many, we wonder why the same energy does not flow back.
I am still working with forgiving people who weren’t there for me. I am still working on not over extending myself, and unfortunately now that I’m aging and dealing with my own health issues, the world is teaching me that by way of my own limitations now.
My point is – it is okay to be who you are – you were born to help – that is honorable – but try giving your self the same gift you have been giving others – Self compassion, self caring and self nurturing. Once you realize how amazing you are – putting yourself first – will come somewhat easier – I pray that for the both of us. I hope that my sharing provided some insight if only in some of the similarities we have shared. I wish you much peace and healing….August 28, 2013 at 3:13 pm #41356
I had a very similar situation happen to me 25 years ago when my brother died. A very long story of woe but a very painful time for me and my family needless to say. The circumstances around his death were very different but the commonality of causing pain in a family is the same. In my experience with family and pain, and there was a lot of it, much like many people, I found that when hurting some people lash out and need to find fault. Maybe that is somewhat better for them than feeling the true pain of the loss. In my situation, my brother was killed, and he had an x wife and two children. He also had a girlfriend for many years after the divorce and the night he was killed the girlfriend was with him at a bar. He and another man got drunk, had words, and the night ended in my brother being killed in the street.
My family had always disliked his girlfriend and after his death they blamed her for dragging him into trouble. They were angry at me because the girlfriend and I grieved together and I showed her compassion. They felt like I had taken sides against the family when in actuality, I just didn’t agree with their judgment of the situation. I stood up for what I believed and was harshly punished (emotionally) by my mother and sister. It is 25 years since my brother is gone, and my mother passed 2 years after him but my sister and I still bear the scars within our relationship. There are many dynamics of guilt that go on within individuals and families when death occurs. And it seems that some families, use the time as an opportunity to lash out and hurt rather than stand together to help each other heal.
I think it is so true that when bad things happen, dysfunctional relationships can go through some very painful times. My family’s dysfunction has always worsened during times of stress. I wish that were not the case but it is true. I look back and I’m proud that I stood up for my own beliefs. My brother, like your gram, had also shared things with me that my family was not aware of. Some of the response I felt was jealousy because my relationship with him was deeper – by choice. Don’t let anyone cause you to doubt what you know in your heart is true. Only you and your grandmother were present within your relationship during that time. I just wish people could learn to NOT JUDGE! Everyone seems to have their opinions about what we do, if it is right or wrong and at the end of the day – it only matters to US – the choices we make – we have to live with. So my question to you – can you live with your choice? If the answer is yes, you have succeeded in being true to yourself and your grandmother – and you will look back with no regret. I hope sharing this was helpful. I wish you and your family – the gift of healing.July 13, 2013 at 6:48 am #38529
With reverence and respect for you and your situation, I will offer you my heartfelt input.
I truly believe that we are such complex beings. Being human means that we embody every human emotion, love, hate, fear, regret, and on and on. I often take solace just in that fact – knowing that when I’m feeling what I just to be a “bad” emotion – I’m just being human. Anger and such can serve a spiritual purpose. It can show us aspects of ourselves we don’t understand and even provide a vehicle for change. Humans don’t like change, and often it takes very dramatic and upsetting events – to make us MOVE out of unhealthy patterns!
I too have recently felt anger (not the first time, Ha) about things and people in my life. I try to look at why am I angry? What about this is pushing my buttons so hard? Sometimes the anger is valid – but rarely is it a solution – and getting stuck there does nothing to help us move forward.
Writing is great! I’ve kept a journal almost my whole life. I allow myself to write whatever I want. Then sometime later I go back and read it – and it somehow puts me into an “observer” mode. I can detach from the issue and read the story. I’m not feeling the pain as much and most times I can see why I did what I did.
Please don’t “hate” any part of yourself, no matter how much you judge it to be BAD. You did what you did because that is what you knew then! (think Oprah said that). When I need to find compassion for myself I will often say – if a friend was telling me this story – what would I say?
We often will be so tough on ourselves. Try to look at yourself as an amazing human being (that I know you are) who has gone through unique life experiences. If you really do look at what you’ve gone through – and who you are – you will love the person you are! BlessingsJuly 13, 2013 at 6:30 am #38526
I can only share what my experience has been with self discovery over my 58 years of living. I can definitely say that no amount of knowledge or desire to do better is wasted. It might be invisible at times, but never wasted. Yes, there are times that things seem to go along smoothly and I think, wow, I must have it now! Then life hits me in the face with some type of physical, emotional or relationship challenge. Then I begin to doubt myself because I am faced with something that is making me uncomfortable and I’m afraid.
All the work we do on ourselves doesn’t always come easy. It doesn’t always feel “right” at first because it’s not integrated fully into us. Initially, I find I react from a painful place in my heart. I want to make things right, get people to see my point of view, make people pay for hurting me, and on and on. But as I sit with that, and lately, this site has provided me an opportunity to be heard and receive non judgmental input. I can then try to put all the “emotional” and “ego head stuff” into a different perspective.
I used to think that the more I learned and practice – I would somehow get to this place of enlightenment. That my life challenges would be less difficult because I had somehow changed my karma.
But what I’m learning is that – I am human. As such, I have all the same challenges everyone else does. The names, faces, and situations are just different. Difficulty comes and often I say – did I not suffer enough in my life already – is there any “light at the end of the tunnel” for all the hard work? Tough questions but now I believe because we are human and because life is not perfect and because we live surrounded by challenging people and events – it is just an ongoing process of facing what is before us – the best we can. Sometimes I find I can revert to reacting like a hurt child – depending on the challenge. Obviously we all have our “hot button” issues. Recently I posted about my difficulties in my marriage of 38 years and after writing it – I was astonished at how far I didn’t come (at first). Now I’m learning to look at what about this situation can I change to empower myself in a healthy way. I seem to put much to much importance of what others think and feel, and how I can keep the peace. I’m learning that my life – is exactly that – my life. I can’t blame anyone else for anything. We allow outside forces to affect us.
None of this is easy – I hope something I said helped. This is not by any means any easy journey for anyone! We are very brave souls to want to walk through our lives with some awareness – not everyone chooses that path.
PatJuly 8, 2013 at 10:03 pm #38236
I believe it is so sad that our society is so driven by looks. Even very beautiful people never seem happy with the assets they have, and are always look for more, because there is always someone else with more beauty, charisma and charm.
We need to be okay being who we are! Big challenge. It is amazing to me how much I care about what people think and say about me, despite the fact that I work very hard at leading a spiritual life.
The things that make us unhappy in life – and there are many – we cannot control.
I have been dealing with changes in my mind, body and spirit that come with age. In my day, I have to say now (didn’t think it then) I was a pretty attractive woman. It was quite common to be acknowledge by other men for my looks in my younger days.
Now, I am no longer “flirted” with – only once by a 90 year old man who said he liked my scarf!
I find myself wanting to change my appearance to look younger. The Aging process is not appealing to me. But like many things in my life – I have no choice.
That being said – physical attraction is important in relationship and I think it is an attribute that should be entertained. The more things we can find in people that we like the greater the chance the relationship will be a satisfying one. So maybe you will find someone who is beautiful both inside and outside. Good luck.
PatJuly 8, 2013 at 9:45 pm #38234
I can relate to the “people pleasing” and “perfection” ways of living. I have done both for most of my 58 years. At a very age, living with a sick mother, I learned the way to someone’s heart and possible approval, was to try to make them feel better. So that lead me to the realization that I was meant to be a nurse. Off I went to nursing school a the ripe old age of 31 with 2 children.
Becoming a nurse was one of the hardest, but most rewarding day of my life and to this day, I am proud of the nurse I am. I done many types of nursing and helped people in many ways and I have always learned and received much more than I gave through life experience and wisdom.
But having the personality of a “nurturer” or “people pleaser” or perfectionist – is an exhausting journey. Mainly because we put ourselves somewhere very low on the list of people we want to help and keep happy..
I am not sure how old you are and how long you have been at it – but I can share that dealing with the emotions of life ARE depressing. If you surround yourself with people who need help – you will be swimming in life of “what everyone else needs”.
I have learned over the years that although my work is important, and I get extreme pleasure out of helping people, if I don’t put myself high on the list of caregiving – I can become resentful. I become depleted and there is nothing left for me. Then I get angry because I feel people should offer support and help the same way I do. Which is certainly not true. I know we are not supposed to expect, anticipate or judge others and their decisions in life. But I have found that people generally do not want to change even if they identify behaviors and beliefs that keep them stuck. I see change as an opportunity – every day of my life – to do something different – learn from my mistakes and move onto a more “skilled” life. Meaning my coping skills get sharpened and refined. Of course there are times things happen and you are brought to your knees. That happened to me a year ago when my oldest daughter, 33 years old was diagnosed with MS less than a year from her wedding. Talk about anger and depression! I felt sort of betrayed, that I had spent much of my life in “service” of sick and helpless people, then realized that most people do not return the favor. Not that we should live our lives looking for paybacks, it just seems that good karma should great good karma, right?
Anyway, I have come to think of all my relationships in a very different way. I no longer see myself as the hero. People will change only when and if they are ready. I might be able to plant “a seed” of truth – from something I see by observing and listening to their process. After that, then I let go of the outcome (or try). It is up to them to assimilate the information. I bless them and hope they begin moving forward toward healing – either emotional or physical.
At every brick wall we hit in life, we have the option to do something! Everything changes, so the good news is the intensity of the situation begins to lighten it’s grip, then usually we can take a couple of breaths and start to think clearly and move on.
I still love to nurture and care for people – I just don’t take much stock in the outcome. And I certainly try, whenever I can, to put myself at the top of the list.
Maybe if you can define what makes you depressed, you can look at how you have reacted to the challenges in your life. Maybe it’s time to look at your strategy because I have learned that no matter how well I deal with adversity – it keeps right on coming.
BlessingsJuly 6, 2013 at 1:55 am #38043
I have suffered from chronic pain related to degenerative disc disease. I have 4 herniated discs in my spine and at one level the nerve root becomes irritated when I move and cause extreme nerve pain in my leg. The result is that I can walk about 10 minutes before the pain stops me in my tracks. This has gone on for over 12 years and I have learned so so much about what I call “invisible disability”. I too, look fine from the outside. Don’t walk with a limp, cane or walker.
It is amazing that what people don’t see – then can’t believe. I gives us the additional burden of having to “explain” our situations and limitations, and often we don’t want to admit our limitations, or maybe we don’t want to complain, or ruin someone else’s day.
I have had to drastically limit my activity with this condition, because if I “walk” through the pain, the nerve gets more and more inflamed and then I am down for a couple of weeks. So I have learned how to moderate, mainly can’t walk, stand, or sit for long periods of time. This has affected everything and everyone in my life. I am married with 2 grown daughters who live in NYC. I have to choose my priorities for activity. Sometimes something is so important to me that I participate and pay the price later. Sometimes and more often, I have to turn down the invite. If I can somewhat find a way to accommodate my limitations I will do that, but the last resort which I’ve only done once, is to use a wheelchair. I hated it – felt like such a victim – was really noticed – and didn’t like that either.
Anyway, I have experienced extreme judgment on the part of others including family and friends alike. I have been accused of using my condition to avoid being with certain people. Trust me, I would much rather have a fuller active life, then avoid people I don’t like by not going places.
The key for me is : trying to find a balance between not giving up, and honoring my physical needs. The other thing I learned is that : this is my truth, no one else’s, so I get to deal with it in the way that suits me best. I learned that people’s opinions should not matter. I also learned that I am not my body, nor my illness, there is still a “whole” me regardless of my physical body. I also found it extremely important to make my loved ones understand…..not in a complaining or victim way – but in a simply factual way – this is what I can and cannot do and this is why. My family has learned to try to help moderate our activities best we can. I make sure transportation is easy, we limited certain things – like walking vs taking a cab, or traveling certain times of the day, etc. Sometimes I have to just speak up and say I can’t walk anymore. It has been a long, hard road to learn how to live with chronic pain and I am still learning. I hope some of my sharing helped and I am open to helping in anyway I can.
PatJuly 4, 2013 at 7:08 am #37946
I would just like to say that “suffering” is “suffering”. The magnitude of source of the suffering – does not make anyone’s experience less, or more valuable because the issue is somewhat not seen as “as traumatic”. You are young and confusion and not being able to sort out your feelings and desires is your suffering at this time in your life. It serves a purpose, just go with it. This is one way you will come to know yourself.
There can be no healing in judgment.
You are perfect the way you are – and where you are – right now!
It might help to journal your feelings. I always find that I have all the information inside me and when I sit down and just write, the answers come eventually. I hope that helps.
Talking to your parents can be helpful and I encourage you to discuss your feelings with someone you feel comfortable. If you ever feel like your life is hopeless, please reach out to anyone around you for help.
PatJuly 3, 2013 at 8:28 pm #37937
Making decision in the midst of confusing emotions is very difficult, and sometimes dangerous. There have been so many new changes in your life, you haven’t really had the time to settle in and create your life. And at your age, this is what you are supposed to do. You are being challenged with making “adult” decisions and receiving adult consequences. Growing up and away from our family guidance (if you were lucky enough) to do that, can be life altering and sometimes difficult experience.
Can you define “what you want”? What is your dream job? What calls to you at the deepest level?
Maybe if you can write a project type letter which would define your goal, give you some action plan to achieve that goal with a timeline, it might help you organize your thoughts.
Once you find your passion – you will open to people. It’s hard to poetic and intimate when you don’t know who you are or what you want.
Sit with pen and paper and begin to ask yourself to – tell you about yourself. You can also write a letter to yourself – stating your goals, emotions and challenges. Then you can go back to it – and work on it from a problem solving level.
I honestly once you feel better defined – you will have more confidence and be more at easy with people.
This is just a temporary bump in the road of live. You’ve got a long way to go. So live and learn well so the future bumps don’t throw you out the window.
Blessings, PatJuly 3, 2013 at 7:10 pm #37933
What a difficult situation you have experienced. I am sorry that you were so rudely hurt. I do feel that your girlfriend owed you some type of explanation and discussion in honor and respect for the relationship you shared, but I guess she had some fear or apprehension about doing that – can you blame her? She would be putting herself right in the face of your anger. Take a brave person to do that and take responsibility for their actions, to help the other personal heal and move on. Now you learned she is no self less. Sometimes we can see truly who someone really is when they are challenged with doing the right thing. (I’m sure many would disagree with me using right/wrong terms) but we all define ourselves by what we want to be as a human being.
That is something that has lead me to respect who I am. With all of my faults, insecurities and challenges, I try to instill honesty, respect, compassion and integrity into every thing I do. I am extremely proud of trying to live my life that way. In many ways, that philosophy helps me to see that I am more important to me than making others happy. Although I strive for that whenever I can. There is only so much we can do to make people know how we feel, if they don’t feel the same way, we must honor their choice and move on. But move on with the good stuff you learned from the relationship, I am sure that you learned and shared much.
So maybe it would help you to make a list of positive experience that helped you to grow as a result of the experience. Maybe then you could look at this loss as a lesson..a gift to your live by love, growth and experience. You can bring that awareness into other relationships as you move forward.
Regarding trust – how can you trust again – I have learned through my 58 years of living, that everyone in my life will hurt me. Maybe not intentionality but it has and will happen. We are human- pain is a part of the experience of life..so you cannot set up a life without pain – but you can design tools to help you cope, learn and move on. I hope my words offer some support. You will be fine. These intense feelings will begin to soften over time and the betrayal will begin to hurt less and less.
Try not to isolate from friends, family or any support. Do things that bring you pleasure. The more joy and happiness you can experience, the faster your body and mind will be removed from depression.
Journaling (writing a diary) may help you to deal with difficult emotions. I find that when I write about my problems, I can finds answers right there among my words.
Good luck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
PatJuly 3, 2013 at 6:44 pm #37932
My advise comes with a desire to be helpful. As a nurse, one aspect I would like to ask you to consider is that during your extra marital sexual activities (not a judgmental term, just trying to say it in a socially acceptable way), you may have been exposed to a communicable disease. My suggestion would be to go to a doctor and ask for STD & HIV, Hepatitis testing. Hopefully you will be clean, but in the event that you have contracted something, you then need to face the fact that you might have put your wife’s health at risk as well as your own. If something is diagnosed, you need to search your soul about doing the right thing by telling your wife so she can get treatment. Withholding that information could make her ill.
If all is well and both of you are health! Congrats! But I wonder if sharing your burden with her and telling the truth, might lift 1,000 lbs from your shoulders. I know it is risky because you don’t know if she will forgive. That is the risk you take. But you took the risk when you chose the behavior.
If she is able to forgive – just think how much richer your relationship will be. Sharing what deeper reasons made you reach out to others in this way will only ensure that you try not to ever repeat the pattern. I can’t of course promise a good outcome! What do I know of the result! I just think it would incredibly hard to keep that secret forever. When and if the time is right – you might trust that your wife will have the capacity to forgive. You might have to work really hard on making that happen. She will go through many scary emotions, normal to feeling betrayed. But if you really love her, and are sorry for your actions, you can make it right.
I wish you luck and happiness in any choice you make.