July 2, 2013 at 3:12 pm #37850
Hi everyone! Hope I don't write in a silly way, english is not my mother tongue!
I really don't have any idea what I am as an atheist (kind of) doing on a buddhism related spirituality focused forum. Well, it seems that grief, anger and self anger powerd by self pity makes things happen, so here I am. For some reason I have been coming back to read TB articles that I've found by googling advices to help myself..
I'll try to write it short but I think its going to be a quite long first message. Truly whish that somebody could help me to clarify my head and thoughts..
So first a little briefing about my situation with some backgrounds.
I'm a 27yo male and around 4 or 5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. We lived in our rented flat for 4½ years, so it really was serious, and with all of my heart I would say that she was the love of my life. Our relationship was really amazing, all our relatives and friends were always talking about us that we were “the” couple that was always so happy together – that we had a real bliss in between each other. My girlfriend was one year younger than me. Both of us are studying at the university and I am just about to start writing my master's thesis..
Just about year ago everything seemed to be super good and we were about to do something that we both wanted, to make our future carees better and life brighter. In other words we decided to take apart on student exchange programs that were kind of part of our degrees and way to enhance our expertise on certain countries, for in Europe and for me in Russia. On last August we said goodbye to each other crying our eyes out of our head. It was absolutely horrible to leave somebody you love behind, not being able to be with her anymore for a pretty long time (10 months). But back then, after carefully pondering and thinking what we were about to commit ourselves (for 6 months), we really believed that love would pull through, that we really got that magic.
Finally the day came and it was time to say goodbye. Our strategy to keep love and pur bond alive was to be in contact via Skype and Facebook – we also agreed to see each other in one European city I was in – where we met again in the end of last December. Plan seemed legit. Careful plans and honesty, agreeing that things could happen that would drive us apart but reaching a conclusion that our relationship was based on a solid rock..
Well..then things started to happen. I got really depressed on my new country not being able to learn the language as fast as wanted to. Maybe I set my goal too high. My age old inner insecurities surfaced again and got me really depressed, feeling really shit with myself. I though that this was it – if I was not able to do I was required to I was no good and had no future with my university degree (it is complicated to explain so let's just say I demanded so much from myself after always performing so well at the university). At the same time my girlfriend who was in a country she had already spent one year as a exchange student when she was a teenager, was having the time of her life. For her it was all easy because she could speak the language fluently. So our new “worlds” differed strongly. On the other side joy and happines, adventure. On my side thoughts about looming doom and depression (the city in which I was in was really a hard place to live, actually I got beaten and robbed there once)..
We saw again in December and everything seemed to be in order. Had really good time…but she was talking about this one guy she had met along with other great people. We only had 6 days together until it was time to say goodbye again and the separation was also horrbile this time..both of us crying at the airport..
I went back to my city and orientated myself for the next 6 months dreaming everyday about next summer..about our life back home..
After new year she made drastic move to go to South America to do some internship that this one guy she had met was talking her about. Not so long time afterwards they ended in a same bed. She told me about it immedialy and I told her that it was okay if it was only one time. We had agreed before that it was not forbidden to have few one night stands if they just took place because we were not that fool to think that those could not occur being so far away from each other. They flew to South America and after that for about 2 months she started adding new photos to Facebook with this guy. Seriously, she was uploading romantic pictures with this guy and not even telling me what was really going. Like putting a rope over my neck asking me to be the one who ends the relationship. It was so hidious and horrible for me. After pressuring her for few weeks she answered to me in FB chat saying these words I never forget:
“Yes, I am in a daily emotional-sexual relationship with this man. What is so *ucking unclear about it?”
After few months I just could not take it anymore. I said it was over. Cut off any contact to her and send her a long letter telling how I felt about everything..pouring my heart out, being stabbed in the heart. But she did not even answer to that, only briefly telling me that she would only talk about our relationship face to face.
Months passed and finally we came home. I picked up all of my stuff and moved to a new flat alone..mostly with our old furniture (she wanted to give me almost everything for some reason).
But then came the SHOCK..
She moved to our home country with this guy..
I moved to my flat and on the day I moved in to my new flat I heard that she was moving in at the same house as me WITH HIS NEW MAN. This was pure coincidence. HOW BAD LUCK CAN MAN HAVE???
I have been trying to contact her (we were in contact by e-mails about sharing our stuff but her parents were the ones to help me and to divide our belonings to our personal shares) but she told me that less we speak the better.
So here I am writing this message, sitting in my pitiful little flat with our furniture having her as my neighbour. The woman that I loved more than life. Who loved me more than anything.
There is only one way to say this: I don't know this person anymore. She almost seems to be possessed by some strange demon or something.
Most beautiful face and mind turned into a monster 🙁
What the hell should I do?
I feel I have lost everything, the most important thing in life…love. How can I ever trust anybody again?
I'm depressed and feel that I want to die. I already searched for professional counceling and got appointment with psychologist.
I just lost everything. Did not learn anything during that year, only a little bit of Russian but not enough to use it as a professional advantage over the people I am competing with in the future at the same work market.July 2, 2013 at 3:20 pm #37851
Everything boils down to one conclusion that I can not escape:
– I was not good for her, she found a better one
– She really is intelligent beautiful person I still want to share my life with
– During 5 years I enjoyed a relationship that I think was better than most people ever experience during this lifetime
– After that experience there cannot be another one that good
– How to move on if you DON'T want to move one, I really don't want, I rather die than move on
– Our life together was so meaningless for her that she gives most of her stuff for me, like it reminded her about some disease she had
– I had bad year, she had the BEST of her life, so I “lost”
– I am so full of hatred and bitterness that I can't do anything
– I am so full of jealousness for her that I can't think anything else except how well she is doing right now
And so on..
I see no way how most of the advices about being grateful or forgiving yourself would work. I will never forgive myself that I lost her…July 2, 2013 at 5:06 pm #37856
First of all sorry for your pain – it's horrible. I've been there. It hurts like hell.
I'm going to cut to the chase. I think you need to move out of the apartment as soon as possible. That's not a good situation to be in. I think it will give you a bit of a feeling of being in control. And that's what you need.
Beyond that I have things to say you probably don't want to hear.
Firstly if she did the things you say – facebook message, uploading facebook pictures and moving into the same building as you. That is truly horrible. Which means she's not the nice person you think she is. This happened to me actually. I fell in love with somebody who turned out not to be the person I thought she was. It took me a long time to get over that.
Secondly I have the cliched things to say which although cliches are nonetheless true. You need to grieve and that's fine. Don't feel bad about grieving. While you're grieving realise that you don't currently have an objective view of the whole situation. And that's fine. But with time you will gain an objective view of it. Of what happened, of who she is and also of who you are. This I guarantee will come though.
Also remember the future is unknown and therefore full of possibilities that you can't even imagine at the moment. Which also means it's outside of your control. But you can control the present and like I said at the beginning I would move out of the apartment as soon as possible.
Peace and good luck.July 3, 2013 at 1:04 am #37867
I know how it feels. feels like you're dying, right? and i'm sorry for that.
you need to get away from her for a while. stay out of her sight. try hard to avoid everything that may remind you of her. go some place else. it's the best time to take a break from everything. take a sabbatical and allow yourself to grieve: cry, sulk, feel the pain. purge everything. cry out loud. allow the pain and sorrow to take over till you can't feel anything anymore. it's good that you are seeing a counselor. she or he will be a big help.
but i have to remind you of this: nothing is permanent in this world. in the end, it is acceptance that will help you heal. nothing stays the same forever. and you, being young, time is with you at the moment to learn everything you could from this adversity.
been there myself. and it took me five years to really heal and accept that nothing on earth stays the same forever. what i have learned from it is recognizing the realities of this world, and living accordingly.
as long as you're still alive, you're gonna get through this. for the time being, you have to go through the pain, with the help of your counselor of course. getting depressed and feeling hatred are very normal. let yourself be. some heal faster, others take the slower route. but the process is normally around 2 to 3 months.
and remember this: we all have the so-called love of our lives at one point or another. some stick together. others grow apart after sometime. relationships aren't always stable, especially long distance ones. but most often than not, we usually fall for who we are with most of the time. it's human nature. humans are social beings. and the more we spend time with a person we are interested in, the more chances of falling for that person. but then again, it all depends to the person involved.
at the moment, you would think she's the only one you ever wanna be with. that's fine. but to repeat. nothing stays the same forever. you will meet someone again, love again. you just have to open your heart to possibilities. trust me. after a decade, i did fall that hard for someone again. harder than i could ever imagine.
stop looking down at yourself. you should be your own bestfriend, try not to define your worth according to others' judgment. believe it or not, your girl finding another man has nothing to do with you. people do what they do not because of us, but because of them. there is totally nothing wrong about you. there is no truth to what you have said that you are not good enough for her. what she chose to do about it just revealed who she really is. but then again, people change. all of us do. and the key to live a life less the anxieties of this world is to understand and accept that we cannot hold onto anything forever. and as soon as each of us acknowledge that fact, we can live peacefully knowing fully well that anything can be taken away from us at any moment.
Stay strong. you can get through this.
IrisJuly 3, 2013 at 5:31 am #37870
I am so sorry to read of your pain and loss. It is devastating to be hurt in this way and to realize that someone is not exactly the person you thought they were.The betrayal on facebook is just awful and speaks loudly of her true character. There are many ways to end a relationship with respect and dignity but she chose the opposite.
I want to tell you to look at yourself and your ability to love. That is a wonderful thing and don't let this sour your heart with her bad behavior. We have no control over other's decisions or actions but we CAN control our own. Pull yourself up and understand that you WILL love again! I promise you!July 3, 2013 at 7:42 am #37912
Thank you very much for your support! It feels like every possible type of help is now needed, even anonymous help..
Aruni suggested that I should move out from this appartment as soon as possible. I also feel that it would help a lot but the fact is that I cannot do that economically. There is no way for me to do so. Numbers in my bank account simply doesn't agree with that. That is why I must stay here.
It was pure coincidence that she got her flat 50 at the same neighbourhood. Our homes are now located about 100 meters away from each other. She lives in a house “A” and I live in a houes “B”. Both are apartment houses. That helps a little bit but it does not prevent us from seeing each other sooner of later – and probably she will be with her new man when we just meet on a local grocerie shop or on a bus stop. It is basically a matter of time.
I asked her parents about her situation and they told that she is renting that flat only for 2 months and then she has a new flat arranged for the next 12 months. And even that flat is at the same district as mine, only maybe 500 meters away.
I have two options. To cope with all this or give up.
That is why I really need some help.
Because she told me that the less we talk the better I needed find another way to make things better. Yesterday I saw my psychologist for the first time and she said that the best thing I could do is to see her during next 2-3 weeks. Just to sit down and talk things over for the first time. Not accusing her about anything but just finding some answers for questions that puzzle my mind so hard. This whole break up has been just madness – I cannot believe that even she is feeling that balanced at all at this very moment. No body can dump his/her loved one of 5 years over night and never thinking him/her again!
Or maybe she has just hit her head or something turning her into a sociopath? But that would be really odd..
To see her would be just fair thing to do for me. Then it would not be totally devastating, intolerable and horrible to see her by accident (with her new man). At least I could have some kind of CLOSURE for all this..at this moment, I think she would not even say hello to me. I think we both would be just horrified, and things can't stay like this..there needs to be a change..a new beginning for both..I guess
Yesterday I also contacted her mother who was also close to me. She told me that she has also been quite confused about the things her daughter has done. She (of course) was not accusing her daughter (or me) and was not trying to pick up a side on this matter, just being diplomatic and worried about my wellbeing as well. Her mother promised to talk to my ex-girlfriend and see if she could change her mind about talking to me.
I hope her mother can arrange me an opportunity to talk to her – not about her and her new man – but about our relationship that is now past, to get some grasp why things happened like they happened.
Whatever I will hear from her mouth will be painful.
But at least then I am wiser and can move on…somehow?
Thoughts?July 3, 2013 at 8:33 am #37915
I'm sorry for the difficult time you're having, love can be painful in its coming, remaining and passing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Often times when we are in pain we get confused. The mind races and fills up all the space, so we cannot even see a foot in front of our face! We try to heal the pain by settling the confusion. Said differently, perhaps in getting “closure” you are really looking to dispel the confusion thinking it will heal the pain. This might work, but usually only brings up more pain, more questions.
Sometimes we have to yank out the arrow at the source, and deal with the pain directly. To do that, you have to accept the confusion is present and the pain is present. Then you can see the truth.
She was in love with you, and now she is in love with another. That's how it is… as much as you want to struggle against it and know why and how and what did I do and how could she and 5 years and on and on… she's moved on.
So, you're left with the pieces of yourself and the confusion. If you think back to a few moments ago, a day ago, can you see how you've been running around a maze in your head? There is so much unknown that you imagine all sorts of answers, look for all sorts of escape routes. The problem is it is a maze of mirrors… there really isn't a way out by walking. You have to let go of the whole maze.
Something happened while you two were apart. What and why and how don't matter, they won't make you any better off. What can make you better off is cutting off all the spinning thoughts. Drop the maze altogether. If you can accept that she was in love with you and now she is in love with another, then you have the truth and the way out.
When your mind starts spinning and you get sucked back into the confusion, just tell yourself those simple words and breathe. “Breathing in I know and accept the truth of what is here, breathing out I let that truth heal my painful feelings.” Over and over, and with time, the confusion will settle and with it, the pain. How long depends on your mental strength and various other factors.
This will also work when you start spinning about the loss of the dreams you dreamed with her by your side. “Breathing in I see and accept that dream isn't here. Breathing out I wish to let go of the old dreams and become the truth of who I am.”
MattJuly 3, 2013 at 8:36 am #37916
I think this is the best thing that has happened to you. Sometimes not getting what you want is a brilliant stroke of luck…and this is what I see in this case. This girl was in love with you and you with her. You guys were committed to each other for 5 yrs, still she could easily forget all that and ditch you. Imagine how different it would have been had you guys been married, or have had children. This girl had that streak…of betraying and thank God, you came to know of it before you guys got married. May be there were problems between you– some minor ones or whatever…but even then, she should have spoken to you about them and both of you collectively could have taken a decision to be together or move on. This kind of betrayal is wicked.
It's sad that you may have to come face to face with this girl and her new found ginny pig. Don't feel jealous man……she was not woth it.
Move on….be a man you always wanted to be…..one year loss is no loss….gather yourself…learn the language you need to learn ( I guess it's Russian right)..and plan your career. Make new friends…involve yourself in some physical activities like going for long walks. Gather yourself and your life.
Life will present you with lot better things…just have faith….
THERE IS ONE THING YOU NEED TO COMPLETELY STOP………..DISCUSSING WHY SHE DID IT, WHAT WILL SHE DO NOW. She is not your subject anymore ( and as I have already said, a person who can ditch one person can ditch another too. When you really love someone, you make every effort to make things work and cheating…well no way acceptable).
Your subject is you and this is something you should discuss more and more…:-)
Stay blessed!!!July 3, 2013 at 8:54 am #37917
Everyone who has replied to you has given you really practical and great advice. I'm really sorry this happened to you. This happened to me almost a year ago. 5 year relationship, but was always long distance. I really understand how you feel, however cutting off all contact is probably the best advice anyone has ever given me. 5 years is a long time and having had a hard time in a new country, of course you would think of the person that made you happy. Now is the time to focus on yourself and other aspects of your life. Take the time to start loving yourself, it is time to be your best friend. Just think of what you would have told your friend if this happened to them? Apply it to yourself. What do you enjoy? Go out and rediscover, or better yet discover what you like! Go hang out with friends, go out and meet new people!
What I've learned over this past year was when you are apart from someone, you can't grow together and you both will change. Relationships are about learning about yourself and what you want in your potential partner, you grow with each relationship you have. Basically you are getting ready for your “meant-to-be” partner. Cherish the good times you had with the person, but don't dwell in them. I know it's hard, I've been there and some days I go back there. It's a journey definitely, but each day that goes by it gets a little easier.
As for running into her and her new man, can't say I've encountered my ex yet, but just be calm and focus on being present. Don't think about how to act or react when she is around, just be patient. You don't need to say anything to her. Go about your day like any other day. I know it's going to be hard, but be patient with yourself.
Just putting it out there: what will change for you if you do have the opportunity to talk to her about what happened? It might be like ripping a band-aid off if you do talk to her about it.
Remember what you decide to do in the end is really all up to you, but please be kind to yourself. You've got to be your own number one fan! I'll be rooting for you! Keep your chin up.July 3, 2013 at 5:52 pm #37929
I am also very sorry that you have been faced with this experience and this great heartache. I have felt a similar pain for the past seven months. I went through a sudden break-up after six years together. When I approached my ex-boyfriend with questions about the future of our relationship, he decided we should part ways. I have constantly wished to rekindle our relationship. I understand what you said about not wanting to move on, about preferring to die rather than move on. I, too, don't want to move on because moving on means that it is really over. The loss is so deep and inexplicable. I wish I could offer you some enlightening advice that would take away your pain, but I don't have anything more to offer than what all the others have said. What I can offer you is the sincere hope that time heals your pain and that you find someone who makes you glad this happened.July 3, 2013 at 7:10 pm #37933
What a difficult situation you have experienced. I am sorry that you were so rudely hurt. I do feel that your girlfriend owed you some type of explanation and discussion in honor and respect for the relationship you shared, but I guess she had some fear or apprehension about doing that – can you blame her? She would be putting herself right in the face of your anger. Take a brave person to do that and take responsibility for their actions, to help the other personal heal and move on. Now you learned she is no self less. Sometimes we can see truly who someone really is when they are challenged with doing the right thing. (I'm sure many would disagree with me using right/wrong terms) but we all define ourselves by what we want to be as a human being.
That is something that has lead me to respect who I am. With all of my faults, insecurities and challenges, I try to instill honesty, respect, compassion and integrity into every thing I do. I am extremely proud of trying to live my life that way. In many ways, that philosophy helps me to see that I am more important to me than making others happy. Although I strive for that whenever I can. There is only so much we can do to make people know how we feel, if they don't feel the same way, we must honor their choice and move on. But move on with the good stuff you learned from the relationship, I am sure that you learned and shared much.
So maybe it would help you to make a list of positive experience that helped you to grow as a result of the experience. Maybe then you could look at this loss as a lesson..a gift to your live by love, growth and experience. You can bring that awareness into other relationships as you move forward.
Regarding trust – how can you trust again – I have learned through my 58 years of living, that everyone in my life will hurt me. Maybe not intentionality but it has and will happen. We are human- pain is a part of the experience of life..so you cannot set up a life without pain – but you can design tools to help you cope, learn and move on. I hope my words offer some support. You will be fine. These intense feelings will begin to soften over time and the betrayal will begin to hurt less and less.
Try not to isolate from friends, family or any support. Do things that bring you pleasure. The more joy and happiness you can experience, the faster your body and mind will be removed from depression.
Journaling (writing a diary) may help you to deal with difficult emotions. I find that when I write about my problems, I can finds answers right there among my words.
Good luck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
PatJuly 3, 2013 at 10:31 pm #37939
I'm sorry you are having to go through this, I know how terrible you must feel. I am also working through a devastating breakup from a very serious relationship that lasted 9 years. I have never been so down in my life, like you said, it's as though you've lost everything. It's the worst feeling in the world when we are betrayed by someone we love, someone who we thought cared about us more. I know that right now nothing seems right, but please don't give up on yourself. I think everyone who has responded to your story has provided very thoughtful and important advice. What has been most damaging for me is constantly rehashing the past (what could've been, what I should've done differently) and obsessing over what he is thinking, feeling, doing, etc. Try to practice acceptance, allow yourself to grieve, cry, feel without judgement, and know that what she says, thinks, does has no power over you and that you can move on from this. Make loving yourself and caring for yourself a priority. After giving my love and care to someone else for so long, this is what I struggle with the most. It takes a lot of work but we are more strong and resilient than we know, believe in yourself!
There are so many great articles and stories on this site that are incredibly helpful. I try to read one every day and I always feel better, even if only for 5 minutes. Here are a few of my favorites that may be worth looking into, if you haven't already:
I wish you the very best, take care of yourself, and stay strong! You are worth it!
~ IngridJuly 15, 2013 at 12:53 pm #38655
Thanks for everybody for contributing and helping me out with this mess. I really appreciate.
This post maybe some kind of an update. I have not been on TB for a almost 1½ weeks I guess. I have tried to keep myself somewhat active by seeing friends, finishing my removal and buying some new nice stuff to my new house. Actually I had a foreign friend visiting me too (a woman) during this time.
In a way I have good news I guess. Because I was not able to “lure” my ex to have conversation with me about what has happened I neened to utilize other channels to get my message to her ears. Thing that I did was to call her mother. We talked more than hour on the phone about our break up and about what happened. It was quite strange to hear that even her mother was a bit unsure about what's going on. Seems like her own parents don't actually know that much about what is running in her head right now. By the moment when we hung up the phone call I draw a conclusion that her decision to bring her new man to our own country has been rather a quick one. As if there has not been any serious and sound consideration on this matter. They just told that they are coming. So their love seems really intense? That new guy must really be the best man on earth for her to make her do such a drastic changes in her life..
Eventually, in the end of last week, I received sms from her and she told that we can talk when she comes back to city in few weeks. So her mother did the job for me. I guess mothers usually have that kind of effect on people.
And as some of you pointed out already: I really deserve that chance to talk and get some kind of closure…
So maybe I should start thinking what I want to ask from her? It's easier said than done…I only have finite amount of time with her and I cannot unleash my feelings uncontrollably so I need to think this stuff over…
Maybe asking what made her feel like she felt?
Why I was not enough for her anymore?
Was she hiding some feelings from me during the last 6 months before we got abroad?
I mentioned things I've tried to do to make myself feel better. I am just not sure if it helps. I am feeling that I am still not moving to any direction. It is incredible how much I cry and how sad I feel. As if there was void inside me. Well of course there is…
My GP (doctor) wanted to prescibe me some SSRI-medicines (antidepressants) but after I thought it over for one week I decided not to start taking this medication. There is nothing wrong in me – feeling as shit as I feel is normal in given situation – and I have a lot to learn about my own emotions, how to balance then instead of dwelling in misery and self-pity. But that is how I am. Always really analytic, sensitive and melancholic. Not to forget my life-long issues with my self-esteem which is quite bad.
Could somebody tell me when it is not normal anymore to “love” the person that dumbed you? I cry so much on the evenings when I am alone. Even when I am surrounded by new people I feel totally lonely, and after the event I go home and cry again.
It has been 209 days since the day I saw her the last time and almost a year since we went abroad.
Yet here I am not moving to any direction.
How many years more I need to swallow these emotional razors?July 15, 2013 at 1:48 pm #38661
After I have chewed my own emotions these things have been the hardest to face and accept:
– Feelings of injustice –> How can she be doing so well when I am almost destroyed as a person? How can she even have RIGHT to do so?
– Feelings of being expendable –> She really saw no worth for me. Ditched me like nothing. Thank you very much for those shared years..
– Feelings of inequality –> How come she did everything right (for her) and experienced and achieved so much more than I did (my perception). Silly thought but I can't help myself..
– Feelings of irreplaceable loss –> She has (for me) unmatched combination of looks, intelligence, personality and sexual compatibility…things that most of women I've met in my life so far have not been able to deliver
– Feelings of losing part of my emotional capacity –> Though love at first sight may sound trite, it's still there, but it is related to naivety. When people grow and get hurt they lose part of this emotional capacity. You may love again but you will never ever again feel it the same way, with the same intensity, with the same playful silliness of your youth. The more you change the less you feel. Older once hurt souls can entwine together by love but can they really do it with similar passion and folly as we all once did? I find it somehow utterly dissatisfactory to think that I can't continue my life with somebody with who I met on a slighty wet meadow on a summer evening when I was 22yo. Back then world was really more beautiful and more interesting. Instead, I guess, I have to start searching new love on a different basis – maybe it means dating and having some moccachinos on a noisy midtown café while you are losing yourself on all work-related stress and mind-numbing unnecessities. Just don't see it compare to what you felt when you were 23yo.
Or maybe I really am depressed…July 15, 2013 at 5:39 pm #38682
It does seem you're somewhat down, but relating to your feelings pretty well all things considered! I really like the way you were able to break it up into different chunks. It might help (at least make you feel less alone) to read up on the stages of grief. You've got them pretty well nailed in my opinion.
As is often the case with an analytic mind, you seem to be being lead around by your thoughts. Said differently, you seem to be spinning and spinning inside your head. You also seem to think that it is the girl who is making you depressed, but that is delusion. Its the spinning in your head that drains the vitality.
I'm so sorry for the rough spot you're in, it sounds very painful. Sakyong Mipham has a great book “Turning the Mind into an Ally” that can help with the spinning thoughts. Really, until you realize that the spinning is the cause and try to help your mind settle, there is little advice not already expressed in the thread that will help you.
Everyone has difficulties like yours, but the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. That's when we can see the way things really are.
You're a good man, and will certainly love again. Your romantic spirit is grieving, and its just that your mind isn't giving it space to breathe. Its no wonder you feel like you're drowning! Suck it up, man up, and stand up to the spinning. Get your butt on a cushion and breathe. When your mind starts racing say “yes, there is a lot of unknown, but here is my body and it is breathing, grieving, healing”. You ask how long the razors come, and that's up to you and how stubbornly your brain hangs on to the past. Sorry for the tough love, I mean no harm… but really! Wake up!