Dear Matt,
I so appreciate you taking the time to give me your input about what is a very challenging relationship for me in my life. I know that my sister is teaching me what I do not want to be and yet it is very hard to not come from a place of defensiveness.

My whole life I have treated everyone with love, compassion and strived to not judge. As a nurse, I have nurtured without expectation more people than I can count.

At this point in my life, dealing with accepting limitations, and my daughter’s MS diagnosis, I guess I am disappointed that what I have sowed in my relationships did not grow to return the same compassionate treatment. I know that must sound like wanting a pay off, but I have turned the other cheek my whole life with my family because I wanted to take the higher road of love.

Your words definitely make sense. I know I should let go and yet there is a part of me that feels I want to be heard. This has been a pattern in our relationship where my sister comes from a place of – it’s my way or the highway and if you don’t agree – I will hurt you.

I realize that defending my position will be futile because she is coming from her own perceptions of me and the situation.

Yet at this point in my life, I feel like my needs and feelings should be honored. Is it not part of self compassion for me to refuse to accept someone throwing me toxic reactions. I am willing to sit down and hear her and ask her what her expectations are for moving forward but I don’t want her to feel that she can continue the same cycle of hurting me. I am willing to learn the lesson, but I want the behavior to change from the experience. I know I am wanting to control, and wanting to be heard and deep down – I know you are absolutely right but I’m not sure that I am so spiritually empowered to lay down my humanity and rise to a level of having no personal needs in relationship. I hear the wisdom in your words, I’m just not sure I can act so justly.

I don’t want to hurt her by carrying the torch of anger, I want to set compassionate boundaries to protect myself and ask her to own and examine the consequences of her actions. Honestly although your words represent the epitimy of acceptance, it doesn’t feel like something I could do (right now). I am however, going to revisit and reread your comments over the next couple of days and meditate on your suggestions. Maybe as I work through my feelings, something in me may shift.

I have just given so much of my self throughout my life and always tried to treat people with love and kindness, I feel somewhat slapped down at a point in my life when I needed others to be the wind under my wings.

Truly I thank you from the bottom of my heart and it has been extremely helpful to have you “hear” me without judgment. Thank you.

Pat

Patricia Merritt

On Mon, Jul 01, 2013 at 11:27 AM, Tiny Buddha wrote:

Matt wrote:

Pat,

Sometimes when we are in chronic pain, we can become absorbed by “our side” of the situation. As you said, it is difficult for you to do certain activities, which is just how it is.

Consider that perhaps the responses you receive from your family are unskillful, but motivated by genuine love and warm feelings. If they had not cared, they would not have lashed out. Instead, it sounds like their feelings were hurt, they felt unimportant to you, and in their pain said things that hurt your feelings. Now, when your sister wants to let go and move on, you wish to club her in the heart by telling her that her words were cruel, mean, and so on.

What that really says is “I do not accept your feelings and the way you acted on those feelings.” It is like passing the hot potato of anger between you and her, right now you feel stuck with it and want to get rid of it by throwing it at your sister. Consider that it is OK to just set it down and forgive her without needing to tell her that her words were unacceptable.

Were I to have that conversation (and I have had to have it plenty of times before) I would tell her that family is very important to me. I was sorry for all of the causes of me not being at the party, and all of the effects of my not being there. Then, I would say that I understand why my sister would lash out like that, because it is painful when we feel unloved or unsupported. Then I would assure her that it is the furthest thing from the truth, and that the connection to her was so important it had tied me up on knots, and how beautiful it is to be connecting with my sister again.

Can you forgive them for feeling hurt and doing things like ignoring you or judging you as they healed that hurt? Do you HAVE to make it about you? Can you let go without trying to punish her for the feelings of hurt you felt? Your heart seems strong and bright to me, and I am confident you can put the anger down and love them without reserve. Let go! Its done, gone, passed!

With warmth,
Matt

Post Link: http://tinybuddha.com/topic/your-best-ways-of-delaing-with-negative-people/page/2/#reply-37685

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