Hi Jana

Well in my country, we separate children based on age. It is considered inappropriate for older children to play with younger children for many reasons. Under 5s only play with under 5s. I’m so sorry that happened to you when you were very young. The older child must have misinterpreted the push. It is very common for younger children to push each other without any bad intent.

It would be such a shock to your system to suddenly be assaulted. And no one intervened. That is horrible. Adults should always supervise when young children are playing.

That is awful your sister was so cruel to you. It must have been awful because you were neither safe at home or at school. No wonder you spent much of your time alone. It would be the only time you felt safe.

I’m curious how did your mother react when you siblings fought?

To some extent siblings fighting is normal. But I think it is important for parents to intervene, encourage good relationships and dissuade any bad behaviour. It doesn’t sound like that happened for you.

It is unfortunate that you were traumatised by violence from a young age.

I’m sorry to hear that your parents didn’t intervene with the bullying at school and you were left to deal with it on your own without emotional support. The amount of stress that you were under to be nauseous every morning…

You deserved to be supported by your family through your ordeal. It sounds like everyone let you down.

I hope that you’re feeling better now that you have let these things out. ❤️

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Jana:

You are welcome, as always.

You wrote (I am adding big case letters to this quote and the next quote): “I have been told all my life that I am THE BAD ONE, because I am the oversensitive one and that it is me who just can’t handle a normal life like others”.

I reread your posts this morning since Nov. You wrote back then in regard to your mother: “She is A GOOD PERSON, we had everything we needed – food, clothes, … and mostly what we wanted – toys etc… When I tried to tell her about what happened to me or my social phobia… she either got mad at me (‘Could you stop it?!’ … ‘Could you just leave me alone for a while?!’)… no discussion, no understanding, no words of comfort from her… I wonder why her words affected me more when my dad’s words were so kind. Why do we listen, hear those BAD PEOPLE more than the good ones in our lives?”-

– Isn’t it amazing that without noticing it (seems to me), you referred to your mother right above as a bad person (one of the “bad people”)?

Her emotional detachment, expressed moodiness and Irritability with you when you approached her for emotional support, her dismissive responses, her criticisms and belittling of your concerns, and her lack of empathy for you (failing to show empathy or understanding towards your struggles, both emotional and social)- all these, repeated and consistent, have caused you to suffer, added to your suffering, and/or didn’t take away from your suffering, so no wonder you’d think of her- without noticing that you did (I think)- as a bad person in this context.

In other contexts, you evaluate her as a good person: she worked hard to ensure that her children had food, clothes, toys, and other necessities despite significant challenges and personal struggles, had good intentions toward her children’s physical well-being, and showed some (limited) awareness of her shortcomings and sought forgiveness from you.

In some cultures or generations, there is a parental emphasis on providing for physical needs, while emotional needs are undervalued or overlooked. This can lead to parents believing that as long as they provide food, shelter, and education, they are fulfilling their parental duties. Parents often model their behavior on how they were raised. If their own parents did not provide emotional support, they may lack the awareness or skills to do so for their own children. Some parents struggle with their own emotional issues, such as depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma, which can make it difficult for them to connect emotionally with their children.

Parents who are overwhelmed by their own responsibilities, such as work, financial stress, or raising multiple children, may find it difficult to provide emotional support: they may prioritize immediate physical needs over emotional nurturing due to time and energy constraints. In environments with financial hardship, parents are focused on ensuring basic survival needs are met, and emotional support may take a backseat.

Some parents are fully aware of the importance of physical nourishment but are not fully aware of the importance of emotional nourishment and its impact on a child’s development. There are parents who use denial as a defense mechanisms to cope with their own shortcomings: admitting they are failing to provide emotional support can be painful, so they choose to ignore or minimize the issue.

But all these explanations are of no use to a child who is suffering from.. emotional starvation, I’d call it. A child starves because of lack of empathy and emotional support, regardless of the reasons.

“I don’t even mention in front of my family that I feel spiritual connection to Buddhism because I would face a lot of criticism, rolling eyes and skeptical remarks… My mom usually chased away my spiritual imagination by saying that it was non sense… The only person who has ever told me he likes my personality is my boyfriend… It seems to me that our parents had kids… and then they were like ‘Okay… so go and live.’ Who cares. But… even cats teach their kittens how to hunt… I grew up alone, with no guidance, no support, no interest… and I was left that way for a very long time…

“Growing up, I felt that there was either a lack of interest or rejection/ belittling of my troubles. So, I gave up. I realized that I was simply alone… I remember my mom “growl” at me when she was annoyed by me. I wanted to try hypnosis (because I saw that once on TV – they treated people with phobias by hypnosis) and I was simply just chased off that it was nonsense… and no other discussion… as always. It was said and done. Period…

Today: “I never had any hatred towards her… I just knew I couldn’t rely on her. And I detached from her and got deeper into my inner world. But I feel that she has this conviction inside that it is our fault, that we are the ones causing her problems… as in your words ‘it’s easier (..) to ignore a child’s distress than it is to acknowledge and address it…’ I would only add here that it is also easier to deny being a part of a child’s problem than to admit it.”-

– like I said before, her reasons (her own childhood, her struggles) don’t matter when it comes to how she affected you, but what does matter in regard to her reasons is that you, Jana- you were not the reason for her lack of emotional support, criticisms, belittling, etc.

“I understand my brother’s frustration, anger and resentment towards our parents, but he chose to go down the wrong path. Although I don’t know if he consciously chose this path or if all the things in his life – childhood and forming years – led him there. How much can we really influence? … I was in the dark until recently”-

– When people are fueled by intense emotions like pain and anger, their decisions often resemble reactions rather than deliberate choices. Reactions are often automatic and driven by emotional triggers. They are immediate, impulsive, without fully considering the consequences of their actions. These impulsive actions are more reactive and less reflective of thoughtful decision-making.

Genuine choices involve a degree of awareness and reflection where the person considers various options and potential outcomes before deciding. When awareness is lacking, the line between a choice and a reaction becomes blurred. However, when individuals gain insight and reflect on their behaviors, they move closer to making conscious and intentional choices.

When emotions like pain and anger take over, the rational part of the brain is bypassed, leading to reactive behaviors. Destructive behaviors fueled by pain and anger often start as reactions— immediate and emotional responses to distressing stimuli. Over time, if these reactions become habitual, they may appear as choices, even though they lack the deliberate thought process associated with genuine choices.

“I remember that I used to be very annoyed by questions: ‘Why are you shaking?’ etc. People noticed of course, but they didn’t even think to address it gently or actively in helping me… rather they used it against me… children laughing at me, bullying me by imitating me, deliberately ignoring me… How did you deal with this?”- I can very much relate. I know I was made fun of, I was ignored, it felt terrible, but I don’t have memories of events and interactions from my childhood and adolescence. All of my childhood-adolescence memories, if I played them in my head like a movie, would last 10 minutes maybe (I didn’t time it, lol).

“Have you ever tried to ask your mother (or father… I don’t know if he lived with you, as you rarely mention him) for help?”- In regard to my father, I have only one memory of him before their divorce, and it was a traumatic memory. I was about 5 at the time, it was nighttime, they had a physical fight, my mother ran to the street right after threatening to kill herself, etc. After their divorce he visited but almost all of his time visiting, my mother was talking to him while I just sat there.

In regard to asking my mother for help, that would have been strange: to ask her to protect me from herself- because she was my main source of pain and trauma. No one, no person in my life (and there were selfish, bad people in my life) has hurt me as much as she did, not even close. For one, at 5 or 6 or (don’t remember) I stopped going out and spent my time either with her or alone(while she was working), so my social life was extremely limited.

I appreciate our conversation, Jana. because of you I understand myself better. We were both victims, as sadly, so many children are, but as I see it, our journeys are from Victims to Victors!

anita

Hi Jana

I wasn’t being brave. I just wasn’t afraid of children because I was used to being beaten at home by someone much larger than me. I was so used to it that being hit didn’t phase me.

I don’t like conflict either. It stresses me out. It was just a necessity.

In regards to my brother. We lost touch when I was 15. I chose to not go home and go through an informal adoption and he chose to return to our biological mother. He was a stubborn and angry child. He would make our Mother angry by refusing to give up when being beaten.

She actively pit us against each other. She told him she hated him and she told me she loved me. The truth was that she didn’t love either of us.

He became violent as he got older. Got into a lot of fights. Started hitting me. Last I heard of him he stalked his ex so badly she fled the country.

Is your nice brother who turned out angry the same person as the one who drinks?

Like you, I went through a drinking phase. It starts very young here at 13 and I stopped in my 20s as well.

It is good that you had the wisdom to see the pain and suffering that alcohol and drugs brought.

Yes, I believe that life teaches us things.

I’m glad that your life turned around. If anyone deserves a happy ending it is you. 😊

I did give up on people for a few years after I was sexually assaulted by one of my friends in university. I developed a phobia of men. Which was unfortunate because most of my friends were men. And because I was in STEM most of my classmates were men. Therapy helped me to come out of my shell a bit. But I never really regained trust in people after that. I learned that people you trust are the ones who can hurt you the most. So I have some trust issues. But I am fortunate to have some good people in my life.

It is interesting to hear of the difference between countries.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Thank you for the note, Jana. I wish you a good rest of the week & weekend and… Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

anita