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November 29, 2024 at 8:37 am #439785
Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita and Helcat, you are very good psychologist. I must say. 🙂
You are right. I think that my mom was fighting these emotions – being overprotective, worried about me but at the same time she couldn’t support me or show me more love, affection because I could be the source of her feelings of guilt.
I am very glad to be freed from this inability to communicate and inability to love – to SHOW love to others… freed from this inability which is like a curse in our family for generations (my parents’ parents couldn’t show love, either.)
☀️ 🪷
November 29, 2024 at 9:28 am #439791
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
It’s tough seeing someone you love struggle with addiction. Your efforts to find a way to persuade your brother to seek treatment are truly admirable. I hope the counselors provide you with the guidance you need to support him effectively.
Regarding your second post, it’s insightful how you connected your mom’s overprotectiveness and struggle to show affection with her own feelings of guilt. People who grew up in homes where love and affection were not openly expressed are likely to struggle to show love as adults because people often model the behaviors they observed at home.
Growing up in homes where there was abuse or neglect, or homes were emotions were discouraged or punished can easily lead to emotional blocks. If a child learns that expressing emotions is unsafe or unacceptable, they are likely to suppress them best they can, and continue to do so as adults.
Some people are emotional numb or detached as a result of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions. This hinders their ability to feel or show love. Low self-esteem, feelings of shame and guilt are likely to lead individuals to believe that they are unworthy of love or incapable of giving it. In some cultures, open displays of affection is discouraged, leading to a more reserved expression of love.
Generational issues are challenging to overcome, but you have overcome the inability to show love, congratulations, Jana!
Keep nurturing your capacity to communicate and show love; it’s a beautiful way to break the curse you mentioned, and to create a supportive and loving environment for yourself and those around you, including people here, in these forums!
anita
November 30, 2024 at 6:50 am #439819Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
very interesting points, as always. 🙂
“People who grew up in homes where love and affection were not openly expressed are likely to struggle to show love as adults because people often model the behaviors they observed at home.”
– I always told myself I would never ever follow this path. I knew and know that this is not healthy. I also think that I have always been a very happy and joyful person inside. I was damaged by the school system, bullying and absence of love and understanding as I mentioned in my first thread here on tinybuddha. I think that the crucial thing in my life is that I am really “different”… and it is negative because I feel that I don’t really fit in and I am sometimes a bit confused about myself, as you know. But it is also positive, because thanks to that I haven’t followed these wrong models of behaviour which I could/can see around myself. Maybe I was born with a good instinct which tells me that “No, no, this is not what you want or need… don’t repeat those mistakes.” I’ve always had this good light, voice inside.
It is also important to say that my parents are not abusers. They are a little bit cold, emotionally detached, they cannot speak about painful things, but they never hurt us on purpose. You and Helcat had much harder lives with your cruel parents. And I admire you for your strength and courage to resist them. Your lives were harder than mine. And honestly, with my oversensivity… If I had mothers like yours, my alcohol period would have been much longer, darker and god knows if I would have been able to stop it without professional help. (I used to misuse alcohol from cca 15 to 20 to numb my social phobia… than I drank occasionally but sometimes I fell into self-pity and drank to make myself “happier” or I used it to relax after hard day… now I have been teetotal for cca 2-3 years and I don’t plan to taste alcohol ever again.)
Thank you a lot! Later I’ll report on how I am doing with my promises to my loved ones. (my partner, dog and cat :-))
☀️ 🪷
November 30, 2024 at 8:08 am #439820
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Strange thought, but perhaps the bullying you experienced also contributed in a roundabout positive way, as well as the obvious negative impacts? Please let me know if you find this idea insensitive. I certainly don’t mean any harm by it.
The thought was that you were used to being more of a loner and when you were bullied you didn’t like the experience. You paid attention to it happening in different areas of life not just to you but others as well. You are naturally loving and compassionate. All of this, being a loner, being intelligent and observant, being treat badly by others, being a kind person gave you a very clear sense of right and wrong and you didn’t want to corrupt yourself or treat others badly just to fit in. In a strange way, these experiences contributed to who you are and how you see the world.
It is a blessing that you have had this natural kindness, intelligence and strong sense of morality to guide you throughout your life. And you have done amazingly breaking that generational cycle and learning to communicate and love freely.
I get the sense that in her own unique way that your mother tried to show love even if she wasn’t taught to communicate it clearly. In her own way, she tried her best even if she did make some mistakes because she wasn’t taught how. Would you agree?
I think that you were lucky in that you were intelligent, resources were available to you and you sought help. This help would not have necessarily been available to a previous generation. It is hard to overcome difficulties alone. Intuitively, you realised this and you made considerable effort to search for people who might be able to help you. It was a blessing that you found them.
I don’t think that you were the cause of her guilt. Just the focus. These things are usually a result of lifelong habits and her own difficulties with her own emotional experience.
In my country too, it is a sad case of people not ever being told that they were loved by their parents for the older generations. It slowly being recognised how important positive interactions are to children. Thank goodness for progress. 😊
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 30, 2024 at 10:03 am #439823anitaParticipantDear Jana:
You are very welcome and thank you for posting another heartfelt and reflective post. It’s great to read that you’ve always had a joyful spirit inside. That inner voice guiding you is a powerful tool, and it’s clear you’ve used it well to steer your path.It’s important to acknowledge that while your parents weren’t abusive, their emotional detachment had an impact on you. Your empathy for others who faced harsher circumstances shows your deep compassion and understanding.
Your honesty about your struggles with alcohol and social phobia, and the progress you’ve made, is commendable. Being teetotal (complete abstinent from alcohol) for 2-3 years is a significant achievement, and your determination to continue on this path is inspiring.
Keep nurturing that inner light and voice. Your journey is a testament to your resilience and commitment to personal growth. Thank you for sharing your story and for the inspiration you bring to others.
Sharing your journey with your partner, dog, and cat, and keeping them in your thoughts, shows the love and care you have in your life. Looking forward to hearing more about your progress and how you’re doing. Take care and stay strong!
anitaDecember 3, 2024 at 5:32 pm #439907anitaParticipantDear Jana:
I re-read your first post on tiny buddha, on Nov 7, and your most recent, on Nov 30, and wanted to add the following:
Your experiences as a sensitive and introverted child, faced with bullying and misunderstanding, are deeply moving. It’s understandable that these experiences shaped your fears and anxieties.
It’s wonderful that you’ve created a life where you can enjoy the peace of nature and the love of a supportive partner.
It’s important to recognize that being good and calm are not flaws, but rather strengths. Unfortunately, some people misinterpret a quiet and reserved demeanor as weakness/ passivity, and proceed to mistreat those they perceive to be weak, passive, or just different.
Introverts and tender people are sometimes easy targets for those who are looking to assert dominance or control. Also, in group settings, those who are different or stand out (such as introverts) can become targets for group dynamics that favor conformity. This can lead to bullying or exclusion as a way for the group to reinforce its norms.
Surrounding yourself with people who appreciate and understand your calm demeanor can help reinforce your sense of belonging and self-worth.
I’m looking forward to reading about how you’re doing with your promises to your loved ones. It’s clear that you have a strong sense of responsibility and care for those around you, including your partner, dog, and cat. Your dedication to your relationships and personal growth is truly admirable.
Continue being kind to yourself, and know that your journey, with all its ups and downs, is valuable and meaningful.
anita
December 4, 2024 at 10:19 pm #439944Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Helcat and Anita,
thank you for your ideas, nice words and support.
Feel free to bring up any topics you like. I am open to any ideas and constructive criticism concerning my childhood or my personality. I take it as an opportunity to reflect upon myself and grow.
I have been thinking about the emotional detachment between children and parents recently and its impacts. I thought I could share my experience or rather develop what you know about me… but about my dad.
My dad was actually the one who was always fun to be with and he gave me a lot of love when I was a child. The problem was that he was very busy and most of the time he wasn’t around.
So, my mom was basically a single mother with four children. Imagine when I was 8, my younger brother was born, my sister was 12 and my older brother was 19. Four children at very different ages, at different stages of life, with different needs… And I must say (write) that my older siblings were no angels and they gave my parents pretty hard time. (Actually, they still do… alcohol, unemployement, debts, broken families… looong story)
Both of my parents were busy in their own way. My dad had to work hard to support six-member family. My mom was busy with the care for four very different children. They were also emotionally absent in their own way. My dad was all fun and jokes and he avoided problems and painful topics by belittling them in a funny way. (Or it is what I always thought – he was either gone or just made fun of everything… but it could be his way to deal with problems, to make the atmosphere a bit easier) My mom is a very moody person. She used to be nervous and grumpy all the time when we were children. (She had a lot of problems. I think it was too much for her.) When I tried to tell her about what hapenned to me or my social phobia, I always felt like I was bothering her terribly. And she either got mad at me (“Could you stop it?!” … “Could you just leave me alone for a while?!”) or ignored me (“No.” … “I don’t know.” … grumpy “Hmmm.”). Either way, no discussion, no understanding, no words of comfort from her.I learned that it was better to be quiet and fight my way through it all on my own… somehow. And I naturally detached from them both.This absence of love (dad at work all the time) and emotional detachment (mom’s nerves) affected me terribly, even though I thought I would never be like that. And I needed that love so badly. But suddenly from some point in my life, I couldn’t accept my dad’s affection… even though he really tried… and I think that I hurt him…
The truth is that he is the one with whom I have many good memories… memories of him trying to encourage and praise me (albeit in his clownish way), memories of nice words “It suits you.”, “You are smart.”, “my favourite daughter” … My mom never said anything like that. But I just wasn’t able to hear him… I stopped being receptive to him. And it is strange… I wrote it to you. I promised myself that I would never ever repeat their mistakes – inability to show love and communicate. However, in that stage of my life, even though I wanted to give love and I needed it badly, I couldn’t do that.
I remember when I moved away from my parents, I had to work hard as a waitress and a cleaning lady. At the same time I studied university and I took care of my granny because she couldn’t move (my dad’s mom). And I still suffered from social phobia even though I had been working on it. Quite tough time for me… He called me once if I could stop by to see him. I asked why and he answered “Because I miss you.” And it touched me, it really moved me… but I just stuttered something like: “Okay.” I wasn’t able to say the same to him…I think that I kind of started to be even scared of his love. I kept pushing him away. And later I had troubles to accept love from men. I got scared when somebody was interested in me. Honestly, if my partner hadn’t been so determined to get to know me and hadn’t invested a lot of energy to develop a relationship with me, I would have been single till today… I am happy that I have learned to accept love with my boyfriend and to communicate freely.It is true that there is still a kind of “program” in my head which turns on an alarm mode when my boyfriend needs to be intimate both emotionally or physically and gets a bit “needy” and “pushy”… (we’re working on it) I also don’t feel comfortable when he wants to buy something to me. We went shopping for Christmas last week and I was so hesitant to let him buy something to me. He had to persuade me. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable when he wants to buy presents to me.I would like to write that today I have a nice relationship with my parents. We went through tough times but we managed to find the way to each other. My dad is still the one who gives me a kiss, strokes my hair and gives me some supportive words. My mom is better…still grumpy 😅 … But as you know from my first story, we clarified everything… And now we have the best relationship we’ve ever had together… but they both are still very worried because of my older siblings. It is very tough topic.
I’ll write more later today or tomorrow morning 🙂(Dec 5, 2024, at 7:18)
☀️ 🪷
December 5, 2024 at 4:34 am #439945Jana 🪷ParticipantI am very grateful for Buddhism, for meditation, for mindfulness, for this forum. It’s been almost a month since I wrote my first post here. I feel much better. I feel supported. Thank you a lot!
I am trying to make my mornings slower. I used to be very stressed even though there was no reason to be. I work from home. I have time. But I was really controlled by my energy habit. “Hurry, hurry!”
I spend first few minutes with our cat, doing my hygiene and drinking green tea. She doesn’t like being hugged much but she comes to watch me and when I sit peacefully with the tea she relaxes on my lap. I always try to be very mindful, focus on my body and mind, the taste of the tea and touch of her fur… I sometimes find it very difficult. My mind is like a monkey, jumping quickly from one thought to another. I still work on being more mindful in my daily life.
I like it when I forget myself and something happens to me. I stopped being mindful this morning and I accidently dropped our pets’ bowls with food… I took our dog for a walk, I stopped being mindful and I stumbled over a stone… It is like something calls me: “Hello! Get back. Be here and now.”
It is not easy. It actually requires a lot of mental energy to be mindful. But I like it. I still practice and I feel calmer, better, more stable… than a month ago.
I try to meditate every day 10 minutes. It is what I can do. After 10 minutes I usually feel very sleepy and I sometimes need to take a nap. I am not sure if this is desired. Maybe I should try to meditate at different time during my day. I usually meditate after lunch, in the early afternoon and maybe my body feels tired. I do the breathing meditation. I also try to meditate with some sounds, for example the Tibetan bowls, Buddhist bells, … I feel that I am actually better at meditation than mindfulness. 🙂 Mindfulness in daily life is harder for me. Probably too much distraction.
I play with our dog more. When it is possible, I go outside to play with her (both our cat and dog are outside all year round… they are so fluffy now with their winter coats 🥰) We play together for a few minutes every one or two hours. BUT she seems to be more dependent on me now. She jumps at me when I go home, she holds my arm in her mouth… She cries under the window if I am at home too long. (this is what she always did… but now it is more often.)
She is a German shepherd, the Czech working line. Simply, four-legged police officer… always on patrol, determined to guard and protect. When we go for a walk, no one and nothing is allowed to come near me. She is a sweetheart… but when a stranger or an animal is around and she doesn’t like them, she can turn into a pretty bad dog. And when a dog just dares to bark at me a little, she goes berserk.
Her breeder gave us some tips how to control her but I am quite small and she can easily drag me. Sometimes it is quite dangerous. So, I always take her to the woods and meadows here around our house, because we usually don’t meet anyone or any dogs there. But I would like to take her further from our house… I’ll see if I can try it on my own.
My partner is very busy. He gets up at 4:00 and works from 5:00 to 15:00 in pretty tough environment… sometimes he doesn’t get home untill 17:00 or later… He works in foundry. He is a manager of this foundry. Hard work – heat, unhealthy fumes, problems with managers, problems with workers… at least this foundry is not so dirty as the previous one he used to work in.
I was sad when he told me that his new position, for which he has worked really hard and done a lot of work for the company (by the way without any extra money) for more than two years, was rejected by his top managers in Switzerland. And the worst is the reason… They rejected him because he is Czech… not because he doesn’t have education, skills or practice, but because of his nationality… …. 🙁 … What can I say?
So, now he doesn’t have time to go with us – me and our dog. I hope that it will get better soon. This week he has been pretty tired but he has a holiday next week and I believe we will have more time for each other.
(continue later)
(Dec 5, 2024, 13:34)☀️ 🪷
December 5, 2024 at 9:50 am #439953HelcatParticipantHi Jana
I’m going to write to you properly later, I’m just used to handling large dogs that pull, I’m small and light too, so I have some advice. I wish you lots of luck!
If you google Ezydog convert harness you want something like that. The handle on that is really great for situations where your dog might pull. The longer a leash is the more leverage the dog has when they start pulling, so you want a short leash while you are training her to walk without pulling. There are some good no shock leashes for comfort when a dog pulls. Ezydog has a zero shock lead. It’s elasticated. But there are different kinds of pulling that dogs do. Something like the Zeedog rough leash 2.0 I found is good if the elasticated one isn’t suitable. One of my dogs found the elastic fun to pull on because it has a bit of stretch. 😂 A hands free dog walking belt can be helpful for yourself can be used in addition with another lead for extra security if you still have any difficulties.
Is it only with other dogs that she pulls or at other times too?
My advice for navigating situations with other dogs would be to give them space. There will be a point when she starts getting excited as you get closer. Let her stay at a distance that she is calm. Get her used to that, and little by little over time not on the same walk get her used to being closer and calmer near other dogs and give her lots of praise when she is successful. I often taught my boy who pulled to sit when a dog came closer and I would do my best to stand and wait at a distance for someone to pass. Teaching a look at me command was helpful too. You can practice this at home first. I would pay attention to where other dogs were and wait for them to go heading along.
I don’t know if you are bothered by her mouthing your arm?
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
December 5, 2024 at 11:14 am #439954anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you for sharing more about your experiences and reflections.
The emotional absence of your parents, despite their love in different forms, must have been incredibly challenging. It’s understandable that you learned to be self-reliant and detached as a way to cope with their unavailability. Your father’s fun and loving nature, contrasted with his frequent absence and avoidance of problems, must have created a confusing dynamic. Similarly, your mother’s emotional struggles and moodiness made it difficult for you to seek comfort from her.
Your ability to persevere through such tough times, balancing work, studies, and caring for your grandmother while dealing with social phobia, speaks volumes about your resilience and strength.
“My mom is a very moody person. She used to be nervous and grumpy all the time when we were children… I always felt like I was bothering her terribly. And she either got mad at me (‘Could you stop it?!’.. ‘Could you just leave me alone for a while?!’) or ignored me (‘No.’.. ‘I don’t know.’ … grumpy ‘Hmmm.’). Either way, no discussion, no understanding, no words of comfort from her. I learned that it was better to be quiet“- this is similar in part to my experience with my mother. She too was (very) moody, emotionally unavailable for me, and often irritable. She was also abusive in ways that your mother was not (I want to acknowledge this difference).
The inconsistency and unpredictability of a mother’s moods creates an environment of constant anxiety, as the child never knows how the mother will respond. Repeatedly feeling like a burden or being ignored can lead to low self-esteem and a poor self-image, believing that one is inherently flawed/ unimportant (this is what I believed..), and so, not deserving love and compassion.. or gifts
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent, or parents, makes it hard to trust others, fearing that others will also be dismissive or unresponsive to our needs, expecting from others what we learned to expect from our parents, and so we struggle with forming close relationships, fearing rejection or feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
To avoid triggering a mother’s anger, the child is likely to suppress emotions, leading to difficulties in expressing and managing emotions later in life. Constantly monitoring a mother’s mood to avoid conflict can lead to hypervigilance, where the child is always on edge, anticipating potential threats.
Growing up in an environment where one had to be constantly on guard, makes it hard to relax and accept kindness without suspicion or fear.
It’s heartening to read that you’ve been able to rebuild a relationship with your parents, especially your father, and that you have found ways to communicate and show love with your boyfriend.
In regard to your 2ndpost: it’s great to see that you find comfort and stability in mindfulness practices and that they have made a noticeable impact on your well-being. Slowing down your mornings and spending mindful moments with your cat and green tea is a wonderful way to start the day.
The challenge of maintaining mindfulness, despite a “monkey mind,” is a common experience. Dropping the pets’ bowls and stumbling over a stone are reminders to return to the present moment. It’s a learning process that requires patience and persistence. Meditating for 10 minutes daily and feeling sleepy afterwards might indicate that meditation is relaxing for you. Trying different times of the day could help determine what works best for you.
In regard to your pets, your relationship with your cat and dog brings such warmth to your daily routine, it’s lovely to read about their quirks and how they enrich your life. Your dog’s protective nature and her behavior towards strangers and other animals highlight the need for careful management, especially given your size and her strength. Continuing to follow the breeder’s tips and possibly seeking additional training advice can help.
In regard to your partner, I’m really sorry to hear about his work situation. His demanding work schedule and the rejection of his position due to nationality are significant stressors. This situation is disheartening and unfair. I hope that his upcoming holiday will provide some much-needed rest and time for you both to enjoy each other’s company.
Wishing you continued progress on your mindfulness journey and sending positive thoughts for better days ahead. You’re doing wonderfully, and it’s clear that your dedication is paying off.
Take care and keep nurturing those mindful moments,
anita
December 6, 2024 at 2:44 am #439965Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Helcat,
She is a good and smart girl. She recognizes the differences between me and my boyfriend. He taught her that she can be wild and fight with him when they play, but she tries to play more patiently and tenderly with me. She doesn’t pull me when we go for a walk because she knows that we usually have just a relaxing walk, but she pulls my boyfriend a lot because she gets over-excited with him. He always threatens her that he will buy her a choke chain collar because he gets so upset with her. I always tell him that this is an opportunity to practice patience and mindful breathing. 😄 I’ll check the harness you recommended for this situation.
But I was told that I need a collar, not harness, to have a better control over her head when she decides to lunge at something. We have a problem – cars. We live in the woods and there are no cars, just one or two passes by during the day, sometimes a tractor or a delivery van… So, she isn’t used to cars and she wants to chase them when we are somewhere near busier road. And it happened that she suddenly charged at a moving car, pulled me to the ground and literally dragged me into the road. So, my technigue now is that I hold her close to me by her collar to keep her from lunging. But she’s so excited that she bites my thigh instead. 😅 I would like to take her with me for a little shopping trip to a nearby town, but it is not possible this way. It is a very stressful trip near roads with her.
It is complicated with dogs. She doesn’t have good experiences. When she was a puppy, she wanted to play with dogs a lot. Unfortunately, we met many dogs that didn’t want to play and attacked her. She remembers and she doesn’t like dogs much. And it is true that many people here have ill-bred dogs, no care, no proper trainig, … She ignores people generally, but she doesn’t like it when strangers come closer to me. She is nervous and sometimes growls. She has probably some protective instinct with me, because she doesn’t behave this way when she is outside only with my boyfriend.
I don’t mind her mouthing my arm. It is actually cute. But I am not sure if it is okay to let her do it. (Again, she does it only to me)
Thank you for your tips. I’ll try them. 🙂
☀️ 🪷
December 6, 2024 at 3:08 am #439966Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Anita,
I can see myself… well, my younger myself… in your words a lot. My thoughts about myself used to be… unimportant… flawed … ugly (I remember some comments she made about my appearance which hurt me)… stupid… unlovable… strange…
But I wonder why her words affected me more when my dad’s words were so kind. Why do we listen, hear those bad people more than the good ones in our lives?
Thank you a lot for your insight!
PS: The picture is new and it is our favourite meadow near the woods where we live. 🙂
☀️ 🪷
December 6, 2024 at 5:27 am #439967Jana 🪷Participant📔 journal
Today I got a message from the addiction councelling center (which I contacted on Nov 29, 2024) and they were very supportive. However, If my brother is not convinced that he wants to be treated and healed, there is little left to do. They sent me a link where I can find tips how to communicate with him and possibly motivate him to make a change.
There are 4 Ps (in Czech language). Rules for communication. (translated and in a nutshell)
1. Observation (Pozorování): It is important to stick to descriptive language and avoid evaluative language. (“You drank too much slivovice last night.” vs. “You get pis**d last night again!”) It is not appropriate to use words that are emotionally tinged (such as “get pis**d”) and are easily perceived as condemning the drinker’s behavior, which could lead to an argument. It is harder to disagree with an objective statement of reality.
2. Feelings (Pocity): Say how you feel. Don’t connect your feelings with the drinker’s behavior.
3. Needs (Potřeby): Connect your feelings to your specific needs. They write: “We all have common needs – we all sometimes need closeness, understanding, respect, etc. If we can name our needs, there is a greater chance that the other person (drinker) will understand why we feel the way we do – because he himself has these needs. Accurately naming needs is the most important part of nonviolent communication, and being able to identify your own needs, and possibly the other person’s needs, that motivate current behavior (drinking) will help you better understand both yourself and him.”
==> “When you drank too much slivovice last night, I felt sad because I needed your closeness…”
4. Appeal (Prosba): Make an appeal for a specific behavior. How can the other person fulfil your needs? No commands, no arguments.
==> “When you drank too much slivovice last night, I felt sad because I needed you closeness. Could we speak about what makes you drink?
5. Practice (Praxe): They write: “Non-violent communication takes practice. Most of us are not taught at home or at school how to think and communicate about our needs. // I couldn’t agree more // But once you learn it, new doors will open for you to understand yourself and others and you will be able to find a way to help them. For a more detailed explanation and understanding of the topic of nonviolent communication, we recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.”
This might help others on this forum, too. I will think about it more. Now, I am not ready to communicate with my brother (46). It is very hard. He has many issues. I suspect that he… I mean his brain… is already so damaged by alcohol and drugs that a reasonable non-violent communication with him is no longer possible. He lies a lot. He always did and he created his own reality.
There is also a deep emotional pain. He is not able to speak about it. He actually gets violent when I try to bring up these topics. He then tries to hurt me by bringing up my issues (which are no longer valid… but this is his way to deal with his own issues… to turn everything against others…) He once wanted to persuade me that my dad hurt me and that’s why I have some issues (It never happened! But this is how he reacts, how much he lies and creates “reality” to make his own suffereing easier. ==> tries to change the focus from himself on others and their problems even when it includes a horrible lie)
He has two boys (15 and 10) and it is hard to get to them. They are very reserved. They don’t speak about what is going on at home. Especially, the older one has his own world and he is very bad at communication.
I will see …
(Dec 6, 2024, at 14:27)
☀️ 🪷
December 6, 2024 at 7:41 am #439969anitaParticipantDear Jana:
You are welcome, and thank you for sharing the beautiful picture of your favorite meadow near the woods. Nature has a wonderful way of bringing peace and grounding us.
“Why do we listen, hear those bad people more than the good ones in our lives?“-
– Negative Bias is a well-known psychological phenomenon where negative experiences have a greater impact on our psychological state than positive ones, meaning that negative experiences have a more profound impact on us than positive ones, and hurtful comments overshadow kind and loving words, even from someone as important as your dad. Also, during childhood, we are particularly vulnerable to the opinions and words of our caregivers, as they shape our self-concept.
The negative comments by your mother hit harder than the positive words by your father because of the negative bias factor and your emotional vulnerability at the time.
You shared in your firs of 3 recent posts the following regarding your dog: “we met many dogs that didn’t want to play and attacked her. She remembers and she doesn’t like dogs much“- this is an example of negative bias in dogs. The encounters with other dogs that attacked her left a stronger impression than positive interactions. After repeated negative encounters, your dog generalized these experiences to other dogs, assuming that new dogs she meets will also be aggressive.
Negative bias, also known as negativity bias is present in dogs, in primates, in crows and ravens who remember encounters with predators or human threats, so to avoid dangerous situations in the future, in rats and mice, horses, cats and humans.
Negative bias in animals (including humans) serves as an evolutionary survival mechanism, helping us avoid potential threats and dangers.
Children are highly sensitive to their environment and the reactions of those around them: negative experiences, such as criticism, rejection, or bullying leave a lasting impression on children. These experiences shape a child’s self-esteem and worldview. A child will dwell on a single negative comment for a long time, even if he/ she receives many positive comments.
Personally, one of the many, many accusations thrown at me by my mother was that I “only remembered the bad”. And I believed her enough to feel that I was a bad person for.. being like any other human (and other animal species) who are all subject to evolutionary survival (negativity bias).
I want to remind you, and me, that our feelings are valid, and that we deserve all the support, understanding, and love we can get, both from ourselves and others.
I want to respond to your journal entry on a separate post, so that this one doesn’t get too long.
anita
December 6, 2024 at 8:27 am #439968Jana 🪷Participant
journalI think that now, at this stage of my life, at this moment, I have to heal myself first. I am on a good way… but I feel that I need to learn to accept myself completely… I still have so much to learn and understand… then I can help others.
I might give my brother a hand when he needs, but … I feel that I am not ready to sacrifice my peace of mind to him. I need to get more stable and stronger first.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGtHcs5LC6k Breathing in, I see myself as a mountain…
Breathing out, I feel solid…
(Dec 6, 2024, at 16:10)
☀️ 🪷
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