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December 6, 2024 at 8:50 am #439971

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing your journey and the insights from the addiction counseling center. The 4 Ps approach you shared is a powerful tool for nonviolent communication: stating the facts objectively without offensive/ judgmental words; stating your feelings without blaming the other person for causing them; explaining your feelings in terms of universal human needs (fostering empathy); and clearly asking for a specific behavior or action that could help meet your needs (no demands or getting into arguments). For example: “Can we speak about what makes you drink?”

Your concern for your brother and for his sons is deeply touching. It must be hard to see them so reserved and struggling with communication. I hope that in time, they will find a safe space to express themselves and find the support they need. Mabe you can be that safe place for them..?

Your brother’s tendency to become violent or defensive when confronted with his issues indicates a high level of emotional distress and an inability to process his feelings healthily. Long-term alcohol and drug abuse can result in cognitive impairments, making reasonable and constructive communication difficult or impossible.

By accusing others or bringing up their past issues, he tries to shift the focus away from himself. This is a common defense mechanism to avoid facing his own problems.

For someone struggling with addiction or deep emotional pain, reality-as-is is too overwhelming to face- they feel powerless and/ or ashamed within the reality as it is. By manipulating the narrative and creating an alternative reality, they get a sense of control, of some power. Or it serves to protect their self-esteem and avoid feelings of guilt or shame, creating a more tolerable self-image.

For example, a person who has been abusive convinces herself that her actions were justified because the other person “provoked” her. This allows her to view herself as a victim (a more tolerable self-image) rather than the perpetrator that she is.

Another example: a person who is aware of his explosive temper downplay incidents of anger, telling himself and others that these outbursts are rare or not serious. This allows him to see himself as generally calm and composed (a more tolerable self-image than the image of a person with an explosive temper).

People who lie and create alternate realities often do so because their actual behaviors or situations are painful for them to accept. The need to feel like they are good people can drive them to create a version of reality where their actions are justified, minimized, or even omitted. Lying and creating alternate realities serve as a way to protect themselves from pain (shame, guilt), and to maintain a more positive view of themselves.

Cognitive dissonance arises when there is a conflict between a person’s actions and their self-perception or beliefs. Creating alternate realities helps reduce this discomfort by making their actions seem more acceptable or justifiable.

Your well-being in all tis matters, Jana, and taking care of yourself first will also put you in a better position to help your brother and his family, if such is possible.

Thank you again for sharing your story and the valuable tips on nonviolent communication. Wishing you strength and peace as you navigate this difficult path.

anita

December 7, 2024 at 6:08 am #439989

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

That is difficult growing up in a large family, it is hard to give adequate care to each child when there are so many. It must have been so hard for you to essentially raise yourself.

I think that who you spend the most time with tends to influence you the most deeply. It is hard for a child to understand why things happen. They tend to just focus on the effects.

I was looking after my son yesterday and he is going through a needy phase again crying when I leave the room, wanting constant attention. He is learning to use his voice to get what he wants. 😂 It can get a bit overwhelming with only one child.

I’m sorry that your mother had difficulty handling the stress of raising a large family and that your father wasn’t able to be around as much as you needed him to be. I’m glad that your relationship with them is better now. ❤️

Regarding your brother. There is no way to help someone who doesn’t want the help. It is only when they are ready to change that they can be helped. Anita is right about the brain damage that long term drinking causes. I’m sorry that only so much can be done.

It really is best as you said to focus on taking care of yourself.

Wow your partner has a really intense job. I’m so sorry that he was turned down a promotion because of his nationality. He has been through so much, he deserves only good things. I’m glad that he has you. ❤️

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 7, 2024 at 6:21 am #439990

Helcat
Participant

An additional thought, in a healthy happy relationship at least five positive interactions are required for every negative one. I think that might be applicable not only to individual relationships but to happiness as a whole. I doubt that as a child in a single day, you had that experience of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction that you had. Instead, it sounds like you experienced many negative interactions on a daily basis from a variety of people and experienced fewer positive interactions. If you add all of that up, it sounds like you had a vast collection of negative experiences in your childhood.

Psychology is starting to take more seriously, the impact of things like this. These things can stick in your mind because children are sponges and developing their personalities.

You are really strong to work so hard to overcome these difficulties!

December 7, 2024 at 7:45 am #439992

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello Helcat, thank you for your posts. I’ll read them later again to think about your ideas more. I sent two posts earlier but they are waiting for approval again. (Dec 7, at 16:44)

☀️ 🪷

December 7, 2024 at 7:46 am #439987

Jana 🪷
Participant

Thank you, Anita, for giving me insight into many important intra- and inter-personal issues in our lives. I’ve really learnt a lot thanks to you and also to Helcat and Roberta. I feel better and more stable now.

☀️ 🪷

December 7, 2024 at 7:55 am #439988

Jana 🪷
Participant

Buddhism – inspiration (not only) for me
Buddha was not a god. He was a human being like you and me, and he suffered as we do. If we go to the Buddha with our hearts open, he will look at us, his eyes filled with compassion, and say:
“Because there is suffering in your heart, it is possible for you to enter my heart.”
Please do not think that because you are unhappy, because there is pain in your heart, that you cannot go to the Buddha. (…) Your suffering and my suffering are the basic condition for us to enter the Buddha’s heart, and for the Buddha to enter our hearts. The Buddha said:
“I teach only suffering and the transformation of suffering.”
When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha – which means the Buddha in us – will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also means by which we can become free.
(Thich Hanh, The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching)
buddha-to-become
Namo Buddhaya

☀️ 🪷

December 7, 2024 at 8:54 am #439998

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

You are welcome! I’m so glad that you’re feeling better and more stable. It’s amazing how much we can learn and grow through shared experiences and support.

Thank you for the Buddhism inspiration. You quoted: “I teach only suffering and the transformation of suffering.”, a sentence attributed to the Buddha. Buddhism starts with the acknowledgement that suffering (dukkha) is an intrinsic part of human existence. This includes physical pain, emotional distress, and the unsatisfactory nature of life

The Buddha’s First Noble Truth states, “Life is suffering.” This doesn’t imply life is always miserable but rather that suffering is a fundamental experience that needs to be understood.

The remaining Noble Truths outline the cessation of suffering (nirvana) and the path (the Eightfold Path) to achieve it. The Buddha’s teachings are holistic, addressing both the reality of suffering and the ways to transcend it, recognizing the reality of suffering and providing a practical path for its transformation and eventual liberation.

More: the first step is to become fully aware of and acknowledge our own suffering. This means not ignoring or suppressing our pain, but facing it openly. Once we acknowledge our suffering, the next step is to investigate its origins. This involves deep introspection to understand what has brought about our pain. Through this process, we gain insights into the root causes of our suffering, which often lie in our attachments, desires, and misconceptions.

The Buddha, or the wisdom within us, suggests ways to transform suffering into positive experiences. This might involve changing our perspectives, adopting new practices, or letting go of harmful attachments. By following this course of action, we can transform suffering into peace, joy, and liberation.

The historical Buddha used his own experiences of suffering to reach enlightenment. He understood suffering deeply and used this understanding to find the path to liberation. Similarly, our own suffering can become a powerful tool for personal growth and liberation. By embracing and transforming our suffering, we can achieve inner peace and freedom.

Recognizing and addressing our suffering empowers us to transform it. We all have the potential for enlightenment within us. Suffering, when understood and transformed, can lead to profound peace and joy.

Here are a few quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh’s “The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching” that relate to recognizing and transforming suffering:

1. “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”

2. “Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.”

3. “Your purpose is to be yourself. You don’t have to run anywhere to become someone else. You are wonderful just as you are.”

Thank you again, Jana. I will elaborate on the above in my own thread (Fear, Anxiety and Healing) later.

anita

December 8, 2024 at 12:12 pm #440006

Jana 🪷
Participant

journal

I work on my mindfulness and meditation daily. Practice makes perfect, they say. 🙂 I believe when I am persistent and conscientious in my practice, mindfulness will become a regular habit for me. And I’ll transform my “running” habit energies into a peaceful flow of being here and now.

I believe it will help me with my process of accepting myself, too. I can already feel a difference. However, I am not still quite stable. I have low self-esteem. I still suffer from a sense of alienation.

I need to earn more money. I was looking at some job ads and all the requirements – extroverted, communicative, stress-resistent – discourage me and make me feel a little down. Nobody wants to work with an introvert. Nobody.

I am self-employed. I am a private English teacher. (I would like to take this opportunity here to practice my written English. I really should try harder to make fewer mistakes and think about my sentence structures! 🙂 ) I used to teach English in a big multinational company before Covid. I remember how tired and stressed I used to be. I wasn’t able to handle the daily stress, intense interaction with people who were very stressed themselves (I felt like a psychologist, not a tutor) and daily commuting by crowded buses back and forth. It was too much for me. And I ignored myself and my needs.

Paradoxically, the covid era saved me. I started working remotely and I have been in touch with students only through audio calls since then. It is better for me… for a very introverted person. Now, I can see what was draining my energy in personal contact. I couldn’t stand the horrible perfumes people used. They always gave me a headache. I was annoyed by people’s emotions on their faces. They seemed to be so stressed, bored, absent-minded and I had to play a role of a super excited teacher who would motivate everyone. I remember students being very mean to each other. They cast mocking glances at each other, some didn’t want to speak to each other during speaking activities, some gossiped their colleagues… and again I had to play the role of a super excited teacher who would make the mood in the class always great… tiring. And I don’t have to mention how tiring it was to constantly wait somewhere when students canceled the lesson.

I like working remotely, without direct intense contact. It doesn’t tire me that much. But I don’t have enough students now. I hope I will get more students because the prices are getting ridiculously high and I need to earn more money. I convinced myself to contact a language school. They contacted me back that they would love to cooperate with me. But honestly, I am afraid… I am afraid that I will fall into this “rat race” again. I am not sure if I can deal with all these problems I mentioned above again… I don’t want to take a step back into that stressful working life again…

I hope my practice in mindfulness and meditation can help me.

(I’ll continue later, written on Dec 8, 2024 at cz 10:31)

☀️ 🪷

December 8, 2024 at 6:22 pm #440020

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into your mindfulness and meditation practice, which is wonderful. 😊 I understand your concerns about finding a suitable work environment and the challenges of being an introvert. It’s great that you’re aware of your needs and what’s best for your well-being.

Trust yourself and the progress you’ve made. Take small steps and make decisions that align with your values and comfort. Wishing you all the best in finding a balance that works for you.

Take care!

anita

December 9, 2024 at 9:37 am #440021

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello Helcat, thank you for your thoughts! You are right. I had more stressful and negative interaction in my childhood but also during maturing and early twenties. It takes some time to reprogram my mind. But I do feel better. 🙂 A lot of challenges ahead… but nobody said that life is supposed to be easy, right?

Hello Anita, thank you a lot for your support. I am always very happy to see your message.

I really liked the quotes from Hanh’s book which you highlighted:

1. “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”

2. “Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.”

3. “Your purpose is to be yourself. You don’t have to run anywhere to become someone else. You are wonderful just as you are.”

1. I believe I still cling to the feeling that people in general don’t like me. And it is hard for me to let it go… I am still working on it. It appears to be a looong way to accept this feeling.

2. Now, it seems to me that I am very happy in the present moment… and it makes me a bit worried to leave the present moment… because then I start to think about future. (my professional life and (in)ability to earn more money)

3. I will write this on a piece of paper and stick it to my PC where I work. I will always remember these words.

By the way, how are you two doing?

☀️ 🪷

December 9, 2024 at 9:52 am #440028

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

I want to elaborate on your yesterday’s journal entry first:

(I am adding the boldface feature): “I have low self-esteem. I still suffer from a sense of alienation. I need to earn more money. I was looking at some job ads and all the requirements – extroverted, communicative, stress-resistant – discourage me and make me feel a little down. Nobody wants to work with an introvert. Nobody… I convinced myself to contact a language school. They contacted me back that they would love to cooperate with me. But honestly, I am afraid.. that I will fall into this ‘rat race’ again”-

– I understand that you’re still struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and a sense of alienation. These are challenging emotions to deal with, but remember that you’re not alone experiencing these emotions: many people experience them. It’s just that they are not vocal/ extroverted, so.. you don’t notice the many people who are like you.

You are not Alone.

Accepting all your emotions, and understanding that you are not alone, is a part of the journey toward self-acceptance and the inner peace it brings.

You can tart each day with positive affirmations like I am worthy of respect; I am proud of my accomplishments, no matter how small; I belong in my community; I bring unique strengths to any job that I pursue; I am able to excel as an introvert; I deserve a work environment that respects my well-being; I am strong, resilient, and capable.

It’s important to acknowledge your achievements and victories, no matter how small they may seem. Recognizing and celebrating these, even the tiniest ones, encourages growth in the areas you need it most. Each small win contributes to building your confidence and self-esteem, reinforcing your belief in your capabilities. It reinforces the notion that every step, no matter how small, is a step towards your larger goals, and it reminds you that you are capable and competent, which is particularly important when you struggle with low self-esteem.

Focusing on your wins, rather than what you haven’t achieved yet shifts your focus from a negative, deficit perspective to a positive, abundant perspective. It builds a sense of progress and achievement that propels you forward. It creates a positive feedback loop where your efforts are rewarded, encouraging you to continue those actions.

On the other hand, when you ignore your accomplishments, you miss out on the opportunity to build on them. This leads to stagnation, where growth and progress remain dormant, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and reinforce a negative self-image.

You can, if you would like, list your daily accomplishments and victories in this thread, or in a new thread that you may start for this purpose, if you are comfortable doing so and think it to be advantageous.

Remember, every small step is a part of your journey, and each one deserves recognition. Embrace and celebrate your wins, as they are the building blocks of your growth and success.

In regard to your most recent post, I will respond in the next post, so that this one is not too long.

anita

December 9, 2024 at 10:59 am #440029

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

“I believe I still cling to the feeling that people in general don’t like me. And it is hard for me to let it go.. I am still working on it. It appears to be a looong way to accept this feeling”-

– Recognize and accept that you have this belief. Understanding where it comes from and how it affects your thoughts and behaviors is the first step towards change.

In regard to where this belief comes from, you shared on Dec 4: “My mom… used to be nervous and grumpy all the time when we were children… When I tried to tell her about what happened to me or my social phobia, I always felt like I was bothering her terribly. And she either got mad at me (‘Could you stop it?!’ … ‘Could you just leave me alone for a while?!’) or ignored me (‘No.’ … ‘I don’t know.’ … grumpy ‘Hmmm.’). Either way, no discussion, no understanding, no words of comfort from her. I learned that it was better to be quiet and fight my way through it all on my own”-

– your mother’s grumpiness, rejections and lack of emotional support and understanding while you were growing up played a significant role in shaping your self-esteem and social perceptions, and gave birth, so to speak, to the core belief that people in general don’t like you.

It’s understandable and natural to generalize a parent’s behavior: my mother doesn’t like me=> people in general don’t like me.

It’s crucial to remember that these beliefs, although rooted in past experiences, do not define your worth or how others truly see you. You deserve to feel liked, valued, and appreciated. Recognizing where these beliefs come from is a significant step towards changing them and finding peace.

More in the next post.

anita

December 9, 2024 at 11:50 am #440033

anita
Participant

Dear Jana

When a child feels disliked or rejected by the mother, it leads to a range of emotional and behavioral responses on the part of the child. A few such responses are: (1) developing a negative self-image, believing one is unworthy or unlovable, (2) blaming oneself for one’s mother’s behavior, thinking it’s one’s fault that the mother is upset or distant, (3) feeling anxious and insecure, (4) feeling sad or depressed, (5) withdrawing from social interactions, so to protect oneself from perceived rejection, becoming quiet and introverted.

Once a core belief is formed, a confirmation bias accompanies it, which means that the individual pays way more attention to instances where one is disliked than instances where one is liked.

Fear of rejection and belief in unlikability can lead to social anxiety, where the person expects negative evaluations from others in social situations, which can lead to loneliness and further feelings of alienation.

The child, and adult, being withdrawn, anxious, or defensive in social situations, can create a self-fulfilling prophecy where one’s behavior elicits negative reactions from others, further reinforcing the belief.

You wrote back on Dec 4: “I would like to write that today I have a nice relationship with my parents… we clarified everything… And now we have the best relationship we’ve ever had together”-

-unfortunately, the relationship during your childhood (aka the formative years) forms our core beliefs about ourselves and the people around us, generally.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is about challenging and changing core beliefs. Part of it is to challenge your beliefs in regard to current circumstances and experiences, asking yourself questions like, “Is this belief based on facts (evidence) or assumptions?” and “Are there times when people have shown kindness or appreciation towards me?” (challenging the confirmation bias, see above).

As for “Now, it seems to me that I am very happy in the present moment.. and it makes me a bit worried to leave the present moment.. because then I start to think about future. (my professional life and (in)ability to earn more money)“- – while it’s important to focus on the present, setting aside some time for future planning can also provide peace of mind. A balanced approach is desirable (and still difficult for me, personally).

You asked how I’m doing. I’ll answer in connection to the topic here: it is only last night that, as I was beginning to think about whether something I did last evening caused a particular person to dislike me, and I don’t remember thinking- feeling this way before: I was suddenly 9so it felt) okay if this person disliked me, or for how long. It didn’t feel like a threat. So, it didn’t matter that much.

Back to you: it’s evident that you’re making great strides in your personal growth. Keep up the fantastic work, and remember to be kind to yourself along the way. If you need more support or just someone to talk to, I’m here for you.

Take care and stay positive!

anita

December 9, 2024 at 2:18 pm #440043

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

It is good to hear that working remotely helped with the stress you experienced in the workplace. I hope that you can figure things out and avoid the rat race.

You are right, it does take a lot of time and effort to reprogram your mind from all of those negative experiences. You are doing wonderfully though and I truly believe that you are very capable of overcoming these challenges.

I think that your English is wonderful by the way and I was also an ESOL teacher, not anymore though. 😊

You mentioned that you still have uncomfortable feelings that people don’t like you. Can you elaborate on this? What does it mean to you? Are there any potential negative outcomes? If so, do you feel capable of handling them? What kind of self-soothing do you do when you feel this way?

I am feeling better today. I am focusing on practicing self-soothing at the moment. I think it is a skill that I need to work on.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 10, 2024 at 6:58 am #440058

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello! Just a quick message from my phone. (I’ll write more later when I have more time)

Maybe you remember I once shared here that my life story is the feeling that I don’t fit in. And while I believe that my mother’s behavior definitely influenced me, I feel that these feelings of being an outcast come more from the society that I grew up in and still partially find myself in.

Being introverted and sensitive is considered a weakness. Being interested in spiritual development rather than a career is very often mocked and considered silly and impractical. This is unfortunately how the majority of people think in the western world. I don’t fit in the general mindset of society I live in, which results in feelings of rejection of my beliefs.

I am a listener, an observer. I hardly ever talk. I prefer to listen to people and just react when I feel it makes sense to do so. I sometimes have nothing to say because I am a slow thinker, and I need some time to think about what people say and what I could say. I don’t have a need to share my thoughts or feelings in my real life. I share these things only with my partner. I don’t like gossiping. I don’t take a part in this, but I can see that for many people it is a form of socializing. When somebody asks me: “And what about you?” I just say “Good.” “Nothing special.” “We are happy.” and I am not able to share more, it is a part of my introversion that I simply don’t have a need or even an ability to share details from my personal life. When we are in the company of people, we have a visit, or we visit somebody, I need to go away from time to time and spend a few minutes with myself… I read something alone on my phone in another room or I prepare something in the kitchen, I am with our dog and then I get back… I cannot be with more people in one room for many hours without a break. I found out that the majority of people don’t like this… which results in feelings of rejection of my personality.

I heard many times other people say to me:

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Why don’t you say something?”

“Why don’t you socialize more?”

“It’s strange you like being alone.”

“How can you live like this?”

This makes me think that I am different and strange for others. And I expect new people, new colleagues etc. to think the same.

(I’ll answer more later)

☀️ 🪷
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