Hi there. This is my first post on here, I will try to keep it from being lengthy. I have been seeing a guy, who I met on OkCupid for about 3 years now. I am fully aware at this point I need to get out of this cycle, but am needing advice on how to do so. This guy has grown to be one of my best friends, but is financially struggling and uses that as a front for his inability to commit. He is always too busy. Sometimes he will suggest coming over, debate with me over the phone for an hour about it and decide he shouldn’t because he has work he needs to get done. I am all for a man who is a hard worker, but I feel like I am his emotional yo-yo. He has severe social anxiety.

I have tried many times to walk away from this, he has held no debate on if he feels he is giving me what he deserves – he tells me he knows he can’t and feels the stress of it on him. We part ways and I aIways am the one to go back. First a how are you doing..then an hour conversation..then the next thing I know we are in bed together. I just can’t wrap my head around the concept of being too busy for someone if you love them. He has never told me he loves me first, but we have exchanged those words twice. He tells me he can’t say he loves me because he doesn’t feel it is right since he can’t give me what I deserve. We talk on the phone for hours, and he comes over and we have amazing sex. Christmas, New Years, my birthday and Valentine’s Day all just passed and he wasn’t present for any of it. Because he has work at home to do, can barely make ends meet and is unable to afford to take me out. He is an intelligent person and is working 2 jobs — one full time and then fixing machines at home for the other one. I have been in this cycle for so long, and any time I express my feelings to him it’s either I speak up and he freaks out and has anxiety over it. Or I don’t speak up, Harbor the frustration and then when I finally speak up he gets angry that I let it build up. I feel like I can’t win. I know that I do this to myself, and I am not negating my own actions in any way, but I can’t help but feel he also contributes to this. I’m just not sure how to move on. Most of my friends are fed up with hearing of this issue, as all the times we have ended and gotten back together. Even my best friend, the most patient and compassionate of the bunch i can tell is sick of hearing it. This making me feel at the end of my rope because I have no one to truly confide in one it.

He has an amazing memory, great listener, great sense of humor, great at putting things in perspective for me when I really need it. But I absolutely need confirmation that he is full of shit on the avoidance of committal. He says he feels it’s pointless if he can’t give me what a relationship requires (mostly involving money and the “rare times” he isn’t working) but gets very upset or jealous when I go on dates. He has even referred to me “cheating”on him even though he won’t give me verbal commitment or promise what we have is going anywhere.

I also have HSV type 2, and he is the first person who has accepted me from the beginning with this. I feel a sense of devotion to him for this and I think subconsciously it makes it a little more difficult to move on. I don’t even know if all of this is emotional abuse but I do feel like he is pulling the wool over my eyes and that the concept of a normal relationship with anyone else to me is weird now. I’m used to seeing this guy once or twice every 2 weeks, for a few hours at a time and then long phone conversations throughout the week. So when a guy truly starts caring for me I’m like WOAH BACK OFF. This also scares me, if I will ever get back to feeling ready for something normal. I am sorry for this being long…I know real talk he is just using me for my body and some emotional security but I guess I need to hear it, from an outside source and gather suggestions on how to go longer than a day without going back to him. I’m exhausted and just do not feel like myself. I’m 26 years d, no children, healthy, great job. I cannot finish my 20s off with this chain on my leg anymore it is controlling every fiber of my being.

Desperately awaiting your advice….
-Molly