Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for replying.

1) Now that you ask, I fell in love much earlier. I remember being 7 or 8 when I once met the older brother of a class mate on whom I got a crush. I saw him only once but had to think every day of him. A year later I saw him again and he mocked me for my race and for being ugly but I still liked him. And didn’t see him again for at least a year. When I was 11 I had a crush on a dancing teacher who was very kind to me and I met at a winter camp. He was 15. I was obsessed with him until the age of 15, and always had to wait a year to see him again. We happened to see each other (circle of friends) a bit more often then (4 times a year) but as I got to know him better I lost all interest even though he started calling me and I felt he was a little interested. I remember that they he called me I was so happy. But I lost attraction soon after. We never talked about it. In school nobody was attracted to me, I was a no-go, simply because of race. When I was 16 I met a guy who was 21, a very good person, he lived three hours away from me. He had a crush on me but by the time I found out he already had a girl friend. We never talked about it either. There were a number of men I liked, who liked me as a person but didnt seem to be attracted to me. At age 18 I had a crush on someone but he was not interested in me and turned out to be bipolar. Once he became violent and threw me on the floor. I was so desperate that I was actually happy for the attention I received. I was so excited. We never talked about it and he just ignored and hated me.

Then by the age of 20 I fell in love with a guy but he lived very far away. We kept chatting and messaging eachother every day and I spent hours on it. The rest of my life kind of was neglected, not all together but my studies for sure. We never talked about our relationship either and he was considerably older than me. When we met he lost interest in me. I wasnt exciting and confident enough. I texted him to tell him what i felt bur he said that he doesnt feel that way but still wants to be in touch with me. Later I found out that he did this with many people and he would sleep with multiple women and they wouldnt know of eachother. Also he would lie to me and not keep his promised.

I wasnt resdy to let go and even though I started to date someone for a few times 2 years later I couldnt get over him. In my mid-twenties i would go on more dates with people but it was always the ones I wasnt interested in but I thought its important to gain experience. And who knows maybe something would develop if I got to know them better. But it never did. People say about me that i am very attractive and the guys like me. But they hardly ever ask me out. I fell in love with someone really sweet, fine character, but he was three years younger than me. He seemed interested at first I thought but he never took a first step so i tried to hint and meet up with him but it never worked. He then met a girl and married her. I almost failed university because of this. I now for the first time dated someone I liked too. He miraculously asked me out and reliably always called me since it was long distance. He did so much to be with me. But I started noticing possible red flags and felt so full of anxiety. I was so anxious he would leave me and he was irritated that I wouldn’t open up and share more about myself. He was always very open and the first man I could talk about the relationship itself with. But he started to lose interest, wanted to continue talking but not meet up again for a while and I thought this would only go downhill so I wrote him an email and broke up. It was a very respectful message and positive without blame. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesnt love me enough to want to see me. He never replied.

Going back to your actual question: At the age of 12 I had a strong desire to be with that person and to be sexually involved. Obviously also I would always want it to be something lasting, like marriage. I decided not to be sexually involved with anyone unless it is serious enough for marriage. So i guess I saved myself from a lot of damage.

Apart from obsessing in my mind I don’t know of any behaviour. I learned when i show interest or take initiative it turns people off. When i don’t it eventually does too.

2) I think so. Of course my parents had difficult times too but they are good to eachother and still together. My mom often felt left alone though and is not content with her life. She is very good in denying things and often lies to herself and others (without noticing).

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking time, I appreciate this a lot. My parents divided work quiet strictly, but based on an agreement of both. my father said he’ll be the breadwinner and my mother will take care of us and the house. However, my father was always okay with her to work to if she wanted. She had a nanny, babysitters, cleaners (who would also make lunch), gardeners, you name it and was involved in charity and travelling for it. But somehow she felt not valued and is annoyed that my father doesnt help more at home even though he brings home the money and she gets all the paid help. It seems whatever he does is not good enough for her and she is still upset about having to bring is up “alone” even though I remember being alone a lot as a kid because she was either not there or emotionally not available (sleeping during the day, etc). Until today she accuses him because his family was so jealous of her life that they made hers very difficult by being unkind and talking behind her back. But I think a problem is that she always wanted to be liked by them instead of just enjoying life.

Well, my mother would surely deny this and be upset about this. Because it wasn’t always like this… we would go on family vacations etc. But any way, I perceived being alone a lot.

I think I used to be a lot like my mom in terms of lying, particularly lying about why i wasn’t “present” (in school literally) and why I wouldn’t be able to perform (school and other tasks).

My difficulty is with the last guy particularly that he had this image of me of coming from a good family, and being similar to him. His parents were conservative and his mother was a helicopter mom. He assumed my life was the same. He’s a ‘high performer’ now, very athletic, working hard, prestige etc. I felt ashamed opening up about my ‘failures’ and being brought up more neglected even though my family are ‘high performers’ too. I always got more along with kids who had an addict as a parent and don’t care so much about prestige but real relationships. I was worried if I told him about my life he would reject me. At one point though he felt I was too needy I think. He said he just wants to get to know me and I wanted more commitment. You see, I either show too little and when I show a little more of my authentic feelings it’s too much -.-

I wouldn’t know what else to share now. Except that I really miss the guy I dated last. But he doesn’t seem to miss me. He probably already forgot me or is happy that I broke up before he would break up with me. Saves him from feeling guilty. He never wrote back, nothing.

…and that he would walk away. so i just walked away first when i felt that he got uncertain about things.