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35 and life didn't get better

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  • #97202
    sunseeker1
    Participant

    HI everyone,
    I just joined this forum and I am so happy I found it.
    I have a long story but I will try to shorten it…

    I just turned 35 currently my life is at a standstill, things that are important to me are my boyfriend and my mother and that’s it.
    now I have been in a career for 8 years that I hate- well I dislike it because it was never my dream I just fell into after trying to actually live my dream. I have not been able to progress in my current career as I kept finding myself in catch 22 situations e.g. I need to do an extra course before I can get a corporate job, the course was very expensive after 4 yrs by old employer paid for it, by the time I finished it guess what the recession hit and nobody was calling me about jobs anymore and nobody would hire a government employee to work in a big corporate company, so I was stuck there are 3 years.
    Finally I got out and now I’m in corporate but I tool a massive pay cut and I’m in a lower position.

    So, it’s hard for me to write this down but my actual dream has been to write online articles mostly about politics but these days more about bettering your life and strategies to heal, I like reading about healing oneself online and it helps me, I also want to be a TV presenter, most people assume I’m shy and quiet and when I tell them they say you can’t do that you’re not loud and flamboyant, I’m judged so much on this.
    I know for some reason I am an introvert I just also get shy speaking to strangers but the funny thing is I like talking to large audiences, I had a job before where I spoke to crowds and I was not afraid and introverted I enjoy that attention, but get me in a 1-2-1 or small group situation with strangers and for some reason I clam up and something stops me from speaking.

    Well alot of things have come to ahead. I want out of my job, city and this crap life.
    I always wanted to travel but I have been tied to my apartment- long story but I am unable to sublet – I can’t trust anybody to tell my landlord and then lose my house (this nearly happened to a close family member)
    I am tired and depressed – but I go to work and people don’t know the truth but I spent 3 weeks working from home but really I was depressed and sleeping alot, spending hours researching online what I can do to get out of this but I fond no answers

    I want to go to a country and work – do anything really just to get a change of environment and to clear my head.
    I saw an international job fair held abroad and I’m thinking of going I’m just worried about how to pay rent on my current apartment and find a place to stay abroad – I don’t want to give up my flat it’s just not an option but I have the chance to own it f I can get a mortgage.

    All these problems have been going around and round in my head, I feel I am proactive as I try to look for a way forward but I’m getting nowhere.
    I just feel like if I can just get out of the country I can come back refreshed- after all that’s what so many people say happens when they go travelling, I just need to work though as I have not enough savings, and I just don’t know really what exactly I want to do about my dream job, I’m not a young girl anymore and so much has happened to me that has stopped from really giving it a big shot, I have had small brushes with success over these years but nothing concrete.
    I just need someone on my side to give me advice to practical help the same way I did this for my now ex- friends

    #97212
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sunseeker1:

    I hope you do get good practical advice here. I don’t have any such at the moment. What I am getting from your post is your fear (and we are all afraid). That fear that make you turn inward in 1-2-1 and small groups, that fear is standing in the way of your life getting better. As safe as you tried to keep yourself, there is no … talking fear into going away, is there?

    There are always difficulties along the path and Fear raises its scary head and says: See? I am here! Can’t escape me!

    It takes courage- and I am working on courage myself these very days. Courage to act in spite of fear. Not in an unreasonable way, but taking risks, results unknown.

    About traveling, it is my experience that indeed there is a sort of awakening during and some time after traveling but it dissipates once the excitement of the changes is over, once you are back to life as it was.

    If anything I wrote here is interesting to you and you want to communicate about it, please post again.

    anita

    #97296
    Matty
    Participant

    G’Day Sunseeker1,

    write online articles mostly about politics but these days more about bettering your life and strategies to heal

    Practically, you could start this right now, online stuff like Weebly, Word press, tumblr etc are free and if you want exposure pay a little for the domain name and people can find you on google/ search engines. Then it’s all about content. I would advise tumblr, especially if you want a bit of exposure because you can link and re-post content that others put up. All that’s stopping you in this area is time and structure. Once you have a time (maybe post once a week, one a fortnight) then it’s about content. And if your interested in anything that’s the place to go. I originally made a blog for professional use (mainly to beef the resume up) on language learning (not in use anymore). If you have a linked in professional page then just start linking it with your blog. As long as it’s not going to impede your profession career. If you also want to get into journalism or reporting, this is your start point. I know a few journalist students who blog and write articles online to show that they are actually interested in writing and putting their opinions down in words. You never know, if you get enough ‘traffic’ coming through your website you may be able to put advertisements up and start making some side cash. The main thing is reaching out to other bloggers, forming business relations with them and use each other, write a collaborative piece, argue against someone else’s article (this is a sure way to get traffic!!) If you want to get into presenting, youtube is always a good start. If you show people you have already made a start, gaining viewership, then people will more likely take you more seriously. Nowadays everything is accessible, hence why so many young people are using social media and the internet to pursue their goals.

    I just also get shy speaking to strangers but the funny thing is I like talking to large audiences

    I have done many speeches at School and University, it’s because you aren’t directing your attention to one individual/ small group of people. There is a wide range of people your speaking ‘at’ and most aren’t really all their attention on you. Plus everyone likes to be listened to! 🙂 When your conversing with smaller groups, it’s more personal and intimate, they may want to give you a question or feedback, so you get worried that you may not have the answer. Introversion is more to do with inner feelings, internal drive and thoughts and you don’t need a lot of external stimulation. So being shy just means your shy, you don’t have to be an extrovert to be able to perform in front of people. I’m pretty sure there is a lot of actors and actresses that are introverts.

    I just need to work though as I have not enough savings, and I just don’t know really what exactly I want to do about my dream job

    Then treat your job as that, a job where you earn money. If you can find a job that has flexible hours this would be a bonus as it gives you time to setup and move onto actually pursuing your dreams. Especially if it’s related to something you want to do and in another department. BUT, don’t quit your job and say, okay now what? Because you will spend so much money and time doing nothing. And this will crush your soul. Unless you have incredible drive and determination and a plan, you could end up worst off. A lot of people have to do crappy jobs just so they can do what they want to do. I was in hospitality and worked night shifts, the only thing keeping me going through that 2 year period was that at the end i would gain my qualification. After that i began looking for slower, easier work so i could start to put myself through university. I know many people cannot separate their professional and personal lives, one always influences the others. The only advice i can give that’s practical is to stop it! Once you leave the office, once your home, no work. You don’t have to speak about it, don’t bring who you are there, home. It will be hard, but it’s the only way to separate your head space. Your home is your space, even if you have to work later at an office to get work done, rather than bringing it home.

    I have had small brushes with success over these years but nothing concrete.

    This is good, this is progress. These successes, do you have contact with them? Do these contacts know people who know people? Good business is always inbreed! 😉 Because you are older than most graduates, this is actually a bit of a positive, because your mature and have work experienc and will be taken more seriously. I would be emailing/ calling people in your field/s that you want in on and asking them for advice, NOT “i’m stuck, help me out” more like “I’m currently doing x and trying to figure out y, what is your take?” or “I want to do x, and your story is similar to mine, do you have any advice?”. People want to be engaged and generally want people to hear their opinions and advice, they however don’t want broad questions which, to them, may seem like you haven’t really thought through your next move.

    I hope this helped, what do you think? Thoughts? Hopefully i have addressed everything, if you have more questions, just post again.
    Sincerely,
    Matty 🙂

    #97378
    sunseeker1
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    thank you for your reply!! 🙂
    it’s so good to get this written out and to hear opinions from strangers, my friends are totally useless in giving me advice and i can’t stand it
    i really appreciate it. I was thinking about it and i agree it is FEAR – fear has pretty much taken control of me and ultimately its the dear of failing and worse case scenario’s that plague me and my actions. i never admitted this before.
    i think i had success when i was younger and then tried to build on it and nothing happened and when i flash forward to say, 10 years later i have nearly convinced myself that if i was to try again that it wouldn’t work and isn’t worth it because it didn’t work before and perhaps im waiting my time and time is moving so fast…
    i agree we all feel it i suspect some people hide it better than others, i wish i could learn to do that, i think you’re right courage is important and hard to do, i look back at when i was younger and fresher with less experience and more optimism and i had more courage than now, i would like to be like that again.

    #97379
    sunseeker1
    Participant

    Hi Matty
    thanks for your message you really took the time to break it all down,i do appreciate your time!!

    I like your suggestions regarding blogging, i could do this now, i think i am worried nobody would be interested in my voice in a crowd of voices, but i know this is self fulfilling and defeats, i just need to stop thinking that way and JUST DO IT!

    I get what you’re saying about not quitting my job/getting a plan together, yes i would want to plan out my next move, but also sometimes i overthink/overplan and actions doesn’t happen. This i could improve on.

    The part about networking with old contacts i can try, i don’t know too many people i think because im not good at making friends or networking again shyness/fear holds me back from speaking up, im also unsure about how to actually initiate the conversation, you mentioned asking for opinions rather than im stuck please help, i can certainly give this a try too.

    Your reply was really great for giving me clarity and things to consider, i just need to take action, i dread to think i could be in the same position in February 2017, that makes me more depressed LOL

    Thanks Matty 🙂

    #97398
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sunseeker1:

    I guess you can hide your fear from others, appear confident in front of others, but I don’t think you can hide from fear. Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear. Fear isn’t going anywhere!

    One way is to calm yourself again and again with good habits such as aerobic exercise or slow exercise like slow yoga and my favorite, with the right teacher: tai chi (slow motion movements, what a way to slow the brain!)

    Another way is good old comfort from others. When a young child walks away from her mother, and gets a bit scared, she looks back to see that her mother is still there, or she walks back to her mother to feel the comfort in her touch. Comfort: if you have a friend, friends to give you comfort throughout your exploring.

    And yet another way is realistic thinking: there are obstacles, always will be in worthy pursuits, something to expect, not to be surprised by again and again.

    Please do post anytime… for that kind of online comforting perhaps, the comfort in making yourself known, making your fear known, there is comfort in that too.

    anita

    #97423
    Matty
    Participant

    sunseeker1,

    No problem, i’m glad you found it helpful. 🙂 Though i also want to point out:

    JUST DO IT!

    True, but ‘do it’ your way, the way you’re comfortable with. As you gain more knowledge of your field/ goals then start pouring more energy and time into it. Don’t just jump in, as many motivational speakers would have you believe, especially if your unsure of where to jump in the first place. Because you will be ‘jumping out’ faster because it will all be too much. Make some goals that pertain to your main one/s, maybe this month spend some time reflecting on a plan of action. Next month focus on getting out and about and spaking to a couple of people. Slowly you will build confidence in yourself. Especially if people you meet think favorable of you.

    i think because im not good at making friends or networking again

    When your networking, don’t think of these people as your friends, they are potential contacts, employers etc. Friendship may develop later on, but your in essence selling yourself, you are in this case a product. Market yourself with the few contacts you know. I don’t know where you live, but consider going to business meet-ups, small business/ startup meetings. Since everyone is trying to network. I know the mentioned going overseas for an industry conference, see if there are any around you first, especially local ones. Everyone is always willing to help another, as long as there is some sort of return or motivation. You just need to market yourself that people would want to mention you to someone that might be in the industry.

    AS anita brilliantly put, fear will always exist, it’s how you deal with it which may make you more or less visible in your field.

    actually initiate the conversation

    introduce yourself, ask the other person what they do, if your unsure what their job entails ask them. By default, all humans love being asked questions about themselves, also by default we forget to ask questions about others. We all want to connect with others. So it’s somewhat of a paradox. I read on a blog that i visit occasional that the ‘conversationalist’ is actually just a good listener who seeks to understand what is being said, not just hear it and react accordingly. We don’t usually hear the ‘undertone’ of what is said. When your networking just come up with a few questions, and use them. Notice how others also network with others, watch them mingle with others. Learn from others, as we all do on tinybuddha 🙂

    hope this helps,
    sincerely,
    Matty

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