Dear porpoise:

I assume you do not have children in this marriage and if it is so, I surely wouldn’t bring a child into this marriage if I did choose to stay in it, not unless major changes took place and were established over long enough time.

My first inclination, if I was you, would be to end a one year marriage with no children with a man who gambled away your money without your permission.

You asked: “Shall I work on my marriage even though there is no trust”- you mean even though he gambled away your money multiple times (more than once) over a long time, without your knowledge? My answer is: no.

If I was you, if I am choosing to end the marriage, I would not tell him about your affair. Why complicate things unnecessarily? If you were to work on the marriage, that would be another matter.

Again, if I was you, based on the information in your post, I would relocate to another room in the home where you live, no longer be available for physical intimacy with your one-year husband and take it from there.

Please do post again.

anita

Dear Michelle:

You made a very good point at the end of your update above: “If I were advising someone else I know what I would say, when it is me dealing with this situation and having these feelings it is incredibly difficult to know what to do.”

This is why you need two plans: the sensible, logical plan and the emotional plan. The emotional plan is about how to carry on the logical plan while you will be feeling what you will be feeling.

My advice as to the Logical Plan:

Complete the separation from your husband. As he moves to another country do not follow him and do not live with him again. Proceed with a divorce.

End any and all relationship with the other guy (except strictly the working relationship) until and if he is no longer engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the other woman. Send him an email or text or so with your decision.

My logical reasons for the Logical Plan: there are more men in the world than these two, so you don’t have to choose between one wrong choice or the other wrong choice. The husband’s gambling is a very troubling problem. It is not logical to risk your financial life, especially if you have a child with him. He may say he no longer gambles but as a habit, he is likely to go back to it as habits are very difficult to break. Regarding the other man: he is otherwise involved, otherwise engaged with a woman with children. He is confused, let him sort out his life. You are doing yourself a disservice, as well as to him and those children if you continue to further add to his confusion. You are doing yourself a disservice to take this passive role where you are waiting for him to figure what woman he chooses. You choose, now.

The Emotional Plan:… after your thoughts and feelings about my input here.

anita

I have experienced what you are experiencing. I hope my advice is helpful.
A few years ago, I was with a man who had a girlfriend. We were together when he was having a Cold War with his girlfriend, so I did not know I was the mistress at that time. Later he told me the truth but he said he was figuring out what to do because he did not love that woman. However, he felt that he has the responsibility to be with her because they have been together for nearly 10 years.
Finally, in Dec that year, he told me that he was getting married within the same month. I was shocked and also heartbroken.
Here are my advice for you:
1. Don’t trust this engaged man. He will never leave the woman for you. If he can do so, he would have done it already. He could be just buying time. I think it is true that he loves you. However, he also love the woman. Maybe he said that he did not love her, but he should be already treating her as part of his family member. He won’t leave her.
2. You can try to get some clues from your other colleagues. Maybe you will hear a different story. Just like my case. When I knew that he is gonna married, he also told me that the woman planned everything and he is not really involved in the weddings preparation. But how could this possible? Later I heard from his another friend that they are preparing for the wedding in June (maybe even earlier). So, I think you cannot trust him 100%. Maybe he actually told his friend that he love the woman a lot!
3. I guess that you actually know what to do logically. But you are just scared to know the truth and scared to feel hurt. This was the process that I have gone through. You have to face this anyway. No point to procrastinate..
4. You can observe your husband more first. I know if the love is gone, no point to be together anymore. On the other hand, although it is a selfish action, you can try to shift more attention to your husband. This can help you feel less sad about the engaged colleague (if you decided to break up with him). Secondly, I think you and your husband have been together for so many years. It is not easy. Maybe you two can find a way out.

Dear Michelle:

The Logical Plan is to “let them both go.”

The Emotional Plan (“How do I cope emotionally?”), beginning of addressing it:

1. Understand the emotional nature of Attachment. As I understand it, and let me know if I am correct: you were attached to your husband at one time (“in love”)- but his chronic discontent, moving jobs and locations, wanting things he doesn’t have, you called that “unsettling”- it made you feel unsafe with him. We feel attached to those who make us feel safe. At one point your husband made you feel safe and you felt attached, or in love with him. Over time, you felt more and more unsafe with him so you lost the attachment, the in-love feeling for him. As this was happening you felt unsafe, unattached. Your colleague came along, and as you felt more and more unsafe with your husband, needing the feeling of safety, you attached to your colleague. He became your (feeling of) safety.

When we are attached to someone, as you are now attached to your colleague, it feels like we can’t live without them. It feels safe with him and unsafe without him… because you are attached to him.

2. In psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist, if you attend one, you can explore the history of your attachment to ..the first person or people you were attached to: your parent/s. What happened there and how that history left you so needy of attachment, so needy/ desperate that you will act against your own well being, staying in a bad-for-you relationships just for that feeling of safety when in reality you are not safe in those relationships.

Thoughts so far?

anita