June 24, 2013 at 5:54 am #37407
i was whith emma for nine year…and for 8 and half year i refused to let my heart brake,i unkowingly bandaged it up and held it together,,,,i stood in the way of fait and in the end it went threw me like a frait train,,,,nature will always find away to take its course,even if that means slowly but surely carving its path straight threw the middle of your heart,,my pain was that of the slow knife,always there pushing further and further in…………when i finaly realised she could not change,and never understand the pain and pure utter suffering she put me threw, i recognised the knife that had bieng there all those years,,i knew this women,the only person i realy had/have in this life..would never do the kind thing and be honest whith me,for that meant to be honest whith herself..she would never tell the truth and let the dagger full penertrate my heart,,she was more than happy to let it forever twist and turn…….after a full mental brake down this christmas,,then sat alone whith my two children on new year,,all three hoping she would txt happy new year back,,and the realisation i had spent hundreds of nights awake thinking about her,yet even nowadays,she never mist a wink………and i believe when u love somebody,,you loose sleep! especialy if you have deeply hurt that person…
i grabd the knife from her hands and pusht it has deep into my heart as possible,,this poor little thing had bieng put on life support many many years ago! it had bieng
half alive for aslong as i could remember!
in the middle of my brake down i lay in bed all night thinking,and i could feel this pain in my chest,i could feel it,and i could not stop it….my younger brother has a truily uncanny understanding of things,,,i asked wat was i going to do,wat was happening to me…this was his reply: your heart is dieng bro,and unlike years ago,you can not keep it alive on life suport anymore..wat made it YOUR heart died many years ago,but you refused to except that,,and for the best part of nine year you has a person have bieng dead,,i am glad its dieng …….you have finaly realised that the story of footprints in the sand,,is you! youve always loved that story bro,do you now see why?why that one and only religouse,biblical story,,,as always moved u and stuck in your mind,since the day you first saw it,,exactly 8 and half year ago…the day u were stood in our uncle bible bashing bobs houuse,and you saw that story on the wall and read it,and for the first time in 10 year of bob telling you god loves you and is true,,you started to feel your blood warming,your heart pounding,,u could not hold the tears back! uncle bob and aunt vanessa were rejoicing,they knew you were displaying and experiancing all true signs of bieng touched bye the hooly ghost!
you have never bieng back to that house since that day! do you now realise that god,budda,alla,,wotever it was! new you would not be able to except the plain simple truth about emma,,u had allready bieng threw too much in life,emma to you was your savior,,,,so it anethatised your mind and put the whole of your bieng into a deep coma,and carried you,,carried you until the day u were ready to face the truth..and that day has come…. and you have always bieng the man in the story..
that was five month ago,and i am far far from threw this,,,,,i am not going mention god again,,its not the purpose of this post,,its purpose,is for you the reader to realise a fractured heart” must be allowed to die,,orr you will live every passing moment of every day of your life in a pain worse than death,,you will become a zombie….and be truily eaten alive..
in the mits of my brake down i wrote sum things on paper,i never wright,i carnt spell and my gramer is unreadable…i do so hope that this post is not unreadable to you…………………….before i fully share the strange thing i wrote,,,,,,,,i want you to remember only one thing,,the darkest is at its darkest just before dawn…
and allthough the sun has not risen yet,i know its coming,ive not felt the rays of the sun in my heart for aslong as i can remember,but i know its coming…..its only half four in the mourning in my life,dusky still,,,but i now know wat i never had faith would be possible….the sun will shine again someday….and i can feel it rising,,,and it scares me,,for as a child it was ok for us to be scared of the dark,but has men,we should not be afraid of the light………but we are!
the destination lies only in the journey itself,the child dies and the man is born,,brakedown!
<my brother has tried to realy kill himself threw out his life,he stabd himself in the heart,the belly and flung himself of a bridge,,,some people do want to die>
i am 33 now,at 25 year old in an atempt to rty understand his mind,his reply,exact reply:we “all” have a limit,I prey to god you never find yours! his answere,reply! of which i did not and could not beging to realize,understand at the time,his words,his simple reply,”bore more truth” than one could beging to imagine,and an understanding and wisdom that is simply unobtainable to others,……”””””””.if any one wants me to finish this,please say so.””””””.June 24, 2013 at 6:53 am #37408
I really do feel your pain. I let my heart break at the beginning of this year and consequently sunk into depression. The pain you describe, sitting up all night, feeling like a zombie I have been through and am probably still going through. I would say only this month I can feel myself getting a bit better. At least you have left the person who made you feel like this, I have chosen to try and forgive… You WILL find yourself again and you WILL enjoy life again. I'm not quite there yet but I've found the determination to aim for it! Search inside yourself to find the determination to get better and you will… Slowly xxxx I hope it helps you to know that there are many people who have felt as low as you and have come through it. That's what keeps me going x