I often wonder if I’m capable of a long lasting love.
I recently just got out of a one year relationship that was healthy and great, I just thought the guy was more invested than me and he deserved that back so I ended it. Since then, I started talking to an ex of a 7 year toxic relationship. After spending the summer alone, trying to work on myself, I saw him on numerous occasions. It was great to see him, the sex was mind blowing, but deep down I felt like I was doing something wrong. I can’t describe it.
After a week of seeing him, I told him today that I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, which he was hurt and saddened by. He felt like I didn’t give it a chance, which I really didn’t. I’m in my 30’s and I just don’t want to waste time, his or mine. I feel sad and just wish I could understand why I’m making this decision. I had the option to be with ex #1 or ex #2 and I feel like I don’t want either, that there’s the perfect man for me, maybe a combination of the two positives from the exes. I just question myself as to if I’m too judge-mental or non excepting of another to be with him long term? My ex told me I need a simple robotic man that I can control, that has no voice. That hurt. I just feel so closed off to the idea of love. I have zero drive for it…. 🙁 SAD…. advice?
I also forgot to mention my roommates are coming home tonight and that’s another reason why I called it off. I feel like I have to keep him a secret and that I am embarrassed to have him over. That’s not a good sign.