A friend, a partner, and me

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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    Hi! I (female) am in a very weird position with a guy and don’t know how to interpret his behavior/decide what to do. Me and K got to know each other seven years ago. We are now in our early thirties. He was smitten with me back then, but I was in a committed relationship. He very sweetly admitted his feelings for me, but I turned him down because I didn’t really feel the same for him + I was in a committed long-term relationship (I am since 2006). Since seven years, since we first met, K and I are texting several times a week, I see him about once a month, and whenever we see each other, we have a blast. We have a lot of things in common, talk about everything, even the most intimate details.

    As time went by, I started developing feelings for K but suppressed those for the sake of my relationship. Three years ago, I (drunkenly) admitted to him that I sometimes think about being with him, and that I wonder whether we would be right for each other. Great timing because now he was in a relationship as well. He was flabbergasted and told me that since I turned him down, he had though of me as being “out of his league” (he really said that). So I kept on suppressing my feelings. In fact, when I don’t see him in a while, my feelings go away, but every time after we meet, they resurface again. We are getting along as well as ever. He is still with the same girl (I am still with the same guy), but he frequently tells me about problems with his girlfriend, that he doubts whether to have kids with her, that things with me would be so much easier (told jokingly), and that he and his gf don’t have much of a love life anymore. I also tell him that my relationship isn’t that great.

    There is tons of chemistry. We get flirty after some beers. But we never go beyond a hug or a peck on the cheek/forehead. He recently told me that his male friends are picking up on whatever is going on between us two, asking him how our recent “date” went. So he is talking about me. My biggest question is if he would want to be with me. It would involve both of us leaving our current partners. What can I do? How does he feel? Am I just a trusted friend to him? Why does he tell me all of that personal stuff? I would be especially interested in the male perspective here because it’s hard for me to decipher him.



    Dear userpia:

    You asked for help  in trying “to decipher him”, him being K.

    Seven years ago, both of you in your twenties, you met, he was single and smitten with you, you were in a long term relationship for years at that point, and you turned him down. For these seven years the two of you texted several times a week, saw each other about once a month and had a blast when you met, talked about intimate things but never had sex. Four years into this friendship, while you were still in your long term relationship and he just started a relationship with anther woman,  you drunkenly told him that you sometimes think about being with him and were wondering “whether we would be right for each other”.

    He continued his relationship, now four years long or so, and you are still in your 16 year long relationship. The two of you are still friends, are “getting along as well as ever”. There is some flirtation between the two  of you, and he tells you about his relationship problems and dissatisfactions and you tell him about yours.

    My input: it is very common for men and women to tell third parties about their relationship problems and dissatisfaction. It is a venting activity most of the time. A man complains about his relationship, feels better and therefore, more able to continue it. I heard a man myself repeatedly talk about his great unhappiness in his relationship, so much so that one would think he wanted out of it.. not the case. This man I am talking about is very committed to  his wife, it is just that he needs to vent. Seems to me that his relationship is very poor in quality, but.. he has no intention of ending it.

    You may want to bring this possibility to him and ask him which one is he doing: venting or  considering ending his relationship. If you ask him this, listen carefully to his words. You are welcome to post his answer here if you want my input.

    On your end, maybe you are quite bored in your relationship, it being 16 years long, a relationship that began when you were a teenager. Maybe you want something/ someone new, in an intimate way. Do you think so?




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