I recently left the country with work for a month and my boyfriend of six months stayed behind. Before I left, things were a little rocky — he said that he was depressed.  He initially met me only a few weeks out of a long term relationship, which was long distance, and the woman cheated on him.  The first few months, we got attached quickly and saw each other almost everyday.  As it became apparent that we had strong feelings, and things got a little more complicated, he withdrew a bit.  He said that he never mourned the last relationship, and some things with us trigger those feelings.  I told him to take space then, and tried to back off, but he didn’t let me.

He was looking for jobs abroad (we are in the same field), and said he didn’t want to do a long distance relationship again.   This put me off a little — I wasn’t sure how I could get too emotionally invested if he was going to up and leave, permanently.   He said he had to do things for himself now, and couldn’t revolve his life around a partner anymore, after what happened before.  That said, he ended up taking a job in the same city, and although he never said it, I have a feeling it was in part to see how things went with me.  Physically, things became very slow and he said he wanted to take things slower and that we had jumped in too quickly.  This was a painful period for me — I felt I already knew how I felt and he was pulling back.  Later he finally said that he has a low libido due to depression.  I suggested that we use this month of my traveling to have some space and collect ourselves to assess what we need and want.

I was here for one week, and we were talking regularly, so not really giving each other the time and space we said we would. I was actually reading a book about Buddhism and healthy relationships, so I brought up that I’d like for us to be able to resolve conflicts better. It seems that we generally sweep things under the rug and leave it, which makes me feels anxious and resentful sometimes. With that, he said, “Let’s break up.” It was an awful & extremely long call. He said that he was “not well” and didn’t think he was able to give me everything I deserve. I am alone here, and I wanted to focus on work, but it blind-sided me and really hurt me.

The next day, he emailed me and said he made the wrong decision, out of anxiety and fear. That he cares about me deeply. I didn’t speak with him at all for a week or so, and when I wrote back, I kept it short. His sister contacted me and wrote a very sweet letter. She said that he feels awful and their family has a history of depression and anxiety. She said he was going to therapy, and perhaps I could keep a space in my heart open for him.  From there, we have emailed and spoken, and he was careful with me. I basically told him that I don’t see any reason to speak anymore unless we are both going to try and make it happen. He agreed.

I have control and abandonment issues myself.  My parents were incredibly strict, father emotionally not there and a functioning alcoholic, which no one in my family will talk about, to this day. A lot is left unsaid and is repressed in my family.  Sometimes it feels like no one says anything, because there are too many unresolved painful things that will come up.  In the past when I have traveled, my mother would withdraw and not say goodbye before I left, or start a fight with me, resulting in me feeling guilty for leaving her.   In college I had an eating disorder and I am certain I have abused alcohol during tough periods in my life.  I have read so many books about co-dependence, adult children of alcoholics, gone to meetings, tried therapy..

In each relationship I have some kind of pattern.  I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who would periodically disappear, especially after a fight.  Often he’d be at a friend’s down the street and I would usually try and find him, run after him and have debilitating anxiety until he returned.  I started to equate pain with love.  After I broke up with him, I repressed my feelings for a very long time.  I tried to talk to a therapist a year and a half later, but it didn’t do much for me.  With each new man, old feelings of insecurity come up, and I think he will abandon me, so I usually try and cut him to the chase.  I would genuinely like to have a healthy & intimate partnership.  It seems like I’m just repeating mistakes and I don’t know how to stop. I often wonder if I don’t create these abandonment scenarios, by either sabotaging things, not having all my shit together, or by fearing it so much.

I’m returning next week, and I am not sure how to proceed. I love him very much….. We are going to meet and at least have a face-to-face conversation. I think what I need is to know he is committed and will not flip flop around.  Is it foolish of me to give this a chance?  Am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak?  Should I just cut him off completely?