AJ,

I’m sorry for the many abuses you’ve been through, and my heart goes out to you. I can understand the need to know the reasons why, and grapple with the notion “did I choose this?” and “do I somehow deserve this?” The answers that draw on previous lives aren’t as helpful as the ones which draw on this life. For many, childhood shapes their view of the world, including expectations and reactions. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Your dad sounds like a deeply troubled being. As he abused you and your siblings, he was pushing and pressing his troubled views into his kids. Think of it like forcing you to become the shape of a piece in his puzzle. He found himself seeing darkness everywhere, which was a projection of his own unresolved troubles, and excused it as acting godly. That makes me a little nauseous frankly.

As he burned your ponies for instance, along side the “my ponies!” there was perhaps an emotion of “fatherly/male love looks like this”. As that happened over and over, your heart and mind took on the complimentary shape. Even as you consciously reject the evil quality of the ponies, the connection between male protection and love and abuse was made.

Perhaps this is part of what drives you to connect with people who fit your piece of the puzzle. Your question of “why am I shaped this way” seems obviously because of your odd father. Looking to a past life is perhaps because it is uncomfortable to say “my dad is a friggen asshole, and did terrible things to me I did not deserve, and was not love”. That your husband is beginning to act in the same way is troubling, and if I were in your shoes I would get that behavior out of my life ASAP. Perhaps you and he could go to couples therapy (nonreligious) and see if you can work out some communication and boundaries. If not, then perhaps its time to move on.

What would you like your life to be like? Imagine for a moment that perhaps the lesson of coming from such a past is to learn to take control, grab some scissors and reshape your piece of the puzzle in the way your heart wants. What would you like to be? Whatever your answer is, that is the divine path inside you, the way to find your joy. We can help, but maybe its time to look forward for answers instead of back.

With warmth,
Matt

AJ,

I think your motive to move far far away makes a lot of sense, and seems wise from what you’ve said thus far. I think your dreams are beautiful, and it is worth noting that they are dreams of love and freedom, not jewelry and mansions. You’re a pretty special person, and I hope you come to see that even more clearly as you find a more nurturing environment.

One of the most challenging things to my compassion is people who assume they are “right with god” and therefore people who disagree with them are full of demonic forces. Throughout history and almost all religious traditions, people who have become holy are accepting,loving, and wise… not hateful and violent.

In regards to your persistence about past lives and knowing the plan, that information comes when you’re ready for it. I am certain it ties into the first paragraph above, but further information will come as needed. Buddha told a story about a man getting hit by a poisoned arrow. He goes to the doctor to get it removed. If, before the arrow gets yanked out, all of the conditions are examined, such as who shot the arrow, why the man who shot him did such a thing and so forth, then the person would die on the table. Said differently, perhaps the conditions of this life deserve your undivided attention.

With warmth,
Matt