Dear Trying to settle:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

“She did say more than once that my reaction to her herpes was unexpected and she hadn’t experienced that before and had been with people who were fine about it“-

– what she said more than once is not congruent with what you observed, in-person, when she was about to tell you about it: “she did reveal in-person… I could sense anxiety and tension within her as she was about to say what it was” (Oct 12). If it is true that the men she’s been with were fine about it (that no one was not fine with it) , and that she had no expectation that you may not be fine with it, then what was the anxiety and tension within her before she told you about it?

She may have said what she said to make you feel guilty about your reaction, telling you, paraphrased: you are the only one who is not fine with it, something is wrong with you!

“I guess I have to forgive myself and accept the fact that I was not one of those guys“- and she succeeded in making you feel guilty, needing forgiveness.

* I am re-reding your original post looking for clues on her feelings/ motivation: at first she told you that it’s okay with her if the STD info changes things for you: “she did say herself for me to take my time to process it and if that changes things, then it’s ok“. Next she said that she “wanted me not to be anxious and worry about this“, Next, you “notice her being very cold and distant with her texts“- cold and distant means angry, angry at you. She presented herself as okay with you having difficulties with the STD info, not wanting you to worry about it.. but she was not okay with your difficulties. She felt angry at you.

Her anger (cold and distant) continued consistently in spite of your change of feelings and your efforts: “She continued to be distant and cold with me consistently, despite the fact that I made a huge effort to show her that I do want to commit to her and make things work“.

“I noticed our phone calls, she was almost annoyed, fault finding over trivial issues“- (1) she suppressed her anger/ pushed it down, and expressed only a bit of it: an almost-annoyance. (2) She didn’t express her anger directly. She expressed it indirectly by fault finding over trivial issues.

“We barely talked about the herpes but instead she brought up the compatibility issues, how we aren’t similar on certain things etc. kind of vague… It’s not as if I said I’m not going to church anymore or I don’t read my bible etc.“- she was vague because her real issue was your initial reaction to the STD info, and not spiritual or religious incompatibility. She held a heavy-duty, lasting  grudge for how you first reacted.

“At one point I just asked her straight out do you want to continue, just be honest“- she was not honest ad not direct with you about her anger. I suspect her anger had to do with a childhood abandonment issue being triggered when following emotional closeness, you emotionally withdrew from her (following the STD info).

And now, back to your recent post: “She would always tell me how in control I was and that me being direct made her feel safe and secure, she saw me as a man, a leader and I think I did indeed lead well throughout. There were a few times when she got emotional one week and she said how she admired my calmness. That changed with the herpes revelation“-

– I am guessing that she had an un-calm, volatile (not in control) parent who made her feel unsafe and insecure. Just like you had an image of her that was shattered, she had an image of you being the opposite of what she grew up with, someone perfectly calm, someone who’d always make her feel safe and secure. An unrealistic expectation, an image that cannot last for long because no one is perfectly, always-calm. And so, her unrealistic image of you was shattered.

“Maybe my reaction to it was too emotional for her and as a result she lost respect which in turn, eventually made her lose attraction as well“- you fell off the pedestal on which she placed you. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

“this is rather unfair, because all I was doing was to prove to her how much I did care and wanted to make this relationship work, despite the STD and anything else… but yeah, I only got resistance where she was defensive and trying to find fault.  She was saying one thing, and then I tried my best to do exactly that“- yes, it is unfair for a woman to place a man up on a pedestal and then angrily, punish him for not being exactly what she needs him to be during a challenging time. It was just a matter of time before she kicked you off her unrealistic-expectations pedestal.

anita