Hi Anita and Grenada,

Thank you for  support and insight. It has been very valuable to me.  I thought I had been hiding my emotions well, but last week a co-worker asked if I was ok. She noticed that I seemed off, not my normally cheerful self.  Though I still have moments of despair, I do think I am starting to feel better. And I thank you both for your thoughtful words.

I know that my relationship with R was doomed from the start, though I must admit I hoped it was different. I know he was bored at work, and I definitely was something that made work fun. He had told me this, but still I hoped that there was something more. Other than my husband, he was the only other person that I have been with. He knew this, and so I hoped he understood that I didn’t do things like this casually, though I know that this is foolish. He is also going through a mid-life crisis of sorts lately. He recently quit his job and is trying to figure out his life/career.

I do have to figure out what to do about my marriage. Last year when we were on vacation with his family, his sister jokingly asked me at dinner why I was with him and that I could do better.  I know I stay with him because it’s the easiest and most comfortable thing to do, and that the unknown is scary. But it’s not a good thing if I obviously long for something more. And I don’t want to be in a marriage where I continue to cheat on the side. I would much rather have a relationship that I can be open about.

A legal separation where we lived together for the time being until our youngest was out of school would make the most sense.  We get along well enough that it could be feasible, but I don’t think my husband will agree to this. He tends to make decisions based on what he wants and not necessarily what makes the most financially responsible decision. If it weren’t for our children, the decision would be much easier. But I do have to consider their well being and how a separation would affect them. And so, at this point, I think I have to work towards that goal of separating when our youngest has finished school. And maybe if I’m lucky, perhaps we can work out something before then.

Thanks for book recommendation, Grenada. I will look into it.

Thanks again for your continued support and insights. It really means a lot to me.

Sadiya

Thanks Anita.  I really appreciate it.

I do have to figure out how to make more money, though I do currently have a job that pays pretty decently but not enough to support 2 people, not without severe changes which I don’t think is feasible as I live in a city where cost of living is not cheap. Hopefully, my husband and I can come to an agreement that will make us both happy.  We have been together a long time, so I do want to make sure he will be okay, too.

And thank you for mentioning my daughter. She has had a tough time emotionally and had some big disappointments. She tends to be shy and standoffish, though I know she wants to make friend connections. She is quite anxious about making friends at school. Hopefully, she will find some good friends at college, but I know the first year can be very difficult.  That is something that I have to focus on, so whatever dissatisfaction I may have with my marriage will probably need to wait.

With heartfelt thanks,

Sadiya

Thanks, Anita, for your kind words and suggestions.  Though this broken heart of mine has taken the wind out of my sails (at least temporarily) and I’m not in a particularly satisfying marriage, I know that my problems in the scheme of things are not that big.  I do have a lot to be grateful for, and in the end my problems are really first world problems.

My daughter does have a couple of friends from high school that she is friends with.  However, these friendships are relatively new, as she didn’t get close to these friends until about a year and a half ago when her friendships with her longtime friends (since elementary school) ended.  Sadly, she got her feelings hurt and rather than communicate with her friends, she just stopped talking to them, even though they tried to apologize and make amends.  She does feel things very strongly but keeps these feelings very private, which concerns me since it isn’t healthy.  She also puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed and tends to have unrealistic expectations.  For instance, she was convinced she had to get above a 1500 SAT score if she wanted to get into a decent college because “everybody else does,” which is absolutely not true.  So, even though I try to help her have more realistic expectations, I am worried how she will do her first year.  Fortunately, she is only going to school a couple of hours away, but because she isn’t good about communicating when she’s upset and I can’t see her behavior while she away, it will be harder to figure out how well she is faring.

I have suggested she look into clubs to join since they are a great way to meet people.  I hope she will find 2 or 3 good friends to hang out with in college.  She seems to do better in these smaller groups.  We will see how it goes.

Thanks for listening.

Sadiya

Thanks Anita.  I hope for the best. Will post again when I have more news.