Hi, I usually don’t reply to these posts but feel very strongly about yours. I am a very brutally honest person and have been told the look on my face shows how angry I am. This isn’t true. I am NOT angry, it’s just my face. Had it all my life. I am-was, very insecure when I was younger. The older I get the more secure I become. I hope I have never acted superior or condescending, as I truly love people and would give my life for another. I just wanted to say, maybe you could tell your friend, calmly, how you’re feeling. People have done that with me. And I appreciate the opportunity to change and grow, while also being able to explain my face does not tell what I’m thinking. No one can read minds. Communication was hard for me at first, now I love it. I just hope you don’t let someone else make you feel insecure, whether it’s on purpose, or unconscious. Many people feel better if they can be “superior” to someone who maybe has it together better than them! People are strange, but it’s so much better to be able to talk and accept. And if she doesn’t get it, if she’s doing it on purpose, you don’t deserve to be treated badly. Tell her! You are just as important as anyone else breathing this air. Your life is precious. I hope you don’t waste time letting someone make you miserable. O.K., I’ll quit. Love and Luck, Becky

Dear Kaushambi,

Your story sounds like my own. I am a gentle, conflict-avoidant person by nature. Conflict makes me uncomfortable and I am very sensitive to others feelings, and often take great care with them. And like you, I used to find people who are authoritative and outspoken pretty intimidating. To soothe you, this is a common experience for people like us in college. We were often raised in families where people are very aware of emotions, and then for the first time we meet people who were not raised like us. Here is what I learned:

I was in a very similar situation with a past friend. She and I didn’t remain friends- our relationship ultimately fell apart. But I learned a LOT from her. Not everyone is quiet, sweet, and peace-loving. And that’s a good thing in our world. If everyone avoided conflict, things would never change for the better. Even though I found her intimidating, I admired my friend’s self-confidence and ability to speak her mind. But I also saw that sometimes she was too harsh. I learned from her how to express myself more and not stay quiet all the time, which grew my confidence. I learned from my experiences with my ex-friend that moving toward conflict and confrontation in a COMPASSIONATE way is the key to creating change in relationships.

I would talk to your roommate before you jump to conclusions about what she thinks about you. Maybe she is just not very good at giving gentle constructive criticism. Maybe she is trying to appear professional and business-like for your project, because she feels the need to be a leader. Especially if your friend is thick-skinned and handles criticism well, maybe she thinks this is normal behavior and doesn’t realize how much her condescending tone and her words are hurting you. The fact that she continues asking for your opinion tells me that in general, she does value your ideas and input, otherwise she wouldn’t take the time to ask.

Think of it this way: by staying silent, you actually are not following your peace-loving nature. You are allowing this conflict to perpetuate, and even worsen. If it was going away, you would feel better in your heart, instead of feeling upset and watching your self-esteem plummet. You cannot control your friend; but you do have control over your own actions, and your actions have the power to influence this situation. You may be a victim of both condescension AND insecurities, but you do not have to STAY a victim.

Have a conversation with her. She seems to value honesty- tell her you want to be honest with her. Use your personal skills of empathy and understanding, but also let her know that you are hurt and offended by her actions. Focus on being honest about your feelings, not on blaming her. Be cautious to avoid passive-aggressiveness (something we ‘gentle’ people are very good at). Suggest a fair solution.

This is a very mature, compassionate approach. If she can’t handle it, and she ends up blaming everything on you rather than taking credit for her faults, then you know that the problem is with her and not you. If she can handle it and you guys work through your differences, then congrats on learning a new way to keep the peace.

– Jessa

Hi Kaushambi. You are right coz kuch log hote hai those who are interested in pulling us down. They are always busy in proving their superiority by discarding your views. There is a sense of insecurity which prevents them to aprreciate someone else. In this process, they try to hide their weakness by either losing their temper or becoming bossy. It is okay to command your own voice in such a manner that other person don’t tresspass your peaceful zone.
As a friend, I would suggest that follow what your heart says. “Suno sabki but karo apni”. Dont think too much when someone says something to you (like your friend said you pushover). Its her opinion and you can’t stop her also, but its upon you only whether to embrace it or discard it.
Wishing you a great life ahead.