Forum Replies Created
November 28, 2014 at 4:58 am #68499
Im with Moongal. You might be a white man with privileges but you really need to see how fiercely people who have nothing can fight their battles. Im not saying that all is right and fair in this world but you need to stop thinking that they are weak and cant protect themselves. Know that like you or myself (I am a brown woman from a third world country and consider myself extremely blessed too) they can fight their battles and perhaps with greater tenacity than we ever could. You being male or white or educated has absolutely nothing to do with it. They can hold their own and all we need to do is support them when it is wrong – we arent born to fight every battle, not even our own.
And dont forget to breath and take time to look after yourself. You cant save the world, we will only ever impact a handful of people or causes in our lives – lets try to do our best with that. Also, I couldnt help but thing..what is the underlying insecurity within you that makes you want to do all this to make yourself feel better?
Also, congratulations for being a good human being – you already are. Give yourself a pat on the back, the depth with which you think and feel..your desire to help end the disparities in this world is commendable. Very few who even think along these lines. Dont forget to look after and appreciate yourself.
With warmth your way
Lily.November 28, 2014 at 1:23 am #68494
Im sorry I dont have the life experience to be able to guide you but I read this and wanted to send you my warmest thoughts and hugs. What you went through and are going through is absolutely heartbreaking and traumatic. I know that no matter what, you will get past the fear, the pain, the brokenness and heal. Your love little girl has a strong mother and you have her and your family to look after each other.
I cant even imagine why he said and did all that he did…such a coward. Whatever his problem might be, abandoning your family is low. You deserve better, your daughter deserves so so much more. You can give that to her – no doubt about that.
Use your wisdom and your head to guide your actions, your heart is broken and that along with your soul needs healing. Use your head to protect yourself and to progress to the next phase.
Keep us posted. Warmth all the way to you.
Lily.November 10, 2014 at 8:19 am #67631
Im with SueF on this one. I turn 31 in a months time and although I have never been married, I feel the lack of a loving relationship and any children that might come out of that. I have had other challenges in my 20s but I have worked thru them..but honestly, I have no clue most of the days as well. I face so much uncertainty and its hard to know what they next step is, if its right, if it’ll lead to what I want etc etc..
So there you go, I dont have it together too. I thought Id have had so much more at this age but I dont..and then I also do have amazing things that werent even on my list. And Im sure you do too. Just take the next step, do the best you can. When it gets too noisy, stop and find yourself and what your mind and heart truly say. Nurture yourself, your heart, mind and soul. Everything else will happen in its own time and for a fact, Im sure you’ll be happy with how it turns out (otherwise, you can always change stuff and do it again).
For now, look after yourself, what you have been through is hard and you dont need to do anything major now..just let yourself heal and the next step will present itself to you.
Lily.October 28, 2014 at 8:28 am #66913
I agree with what Becky has said, you talk about it and tell her exactly what you feel – that is not being confrontational but being mature and standing your ground. Dont waste time if she doesnt get it or continues to do so.
Also, my first thought as I read your post was that it was amazing that you are non-confrontational and peace loving…but do you think it is right to do that even in situations where someone is putting you down? Is it SO important for you to be non-confrontational that you dont do or say anything even though they treat you poorly? Im not sure you should be, the world is a harsh place and you need to take care of yourself. Never change who you are, that is important but so is looking after yourself . People can be cruel and mean and you need to tell/teach them how you deserve to be treated.
Good luck – look after you 🙂
LilyOctober 27, 2014 at 8:59 am #66876
My dear girl!
How very young you are and how you dont enjoy what you already have 🙂 Stop stressing and enjoy what you have. The love you so need is within you because if you dont find the joy and love and calmness within you, I am sure you wont find the fullness with anyone else. You are so young, you have so much to learn, so much to grow (and so much pain to see, which is part of the deal called life).
So you have had the opportunity to study in so many different countries, meeting so many amazing people, getting all these brilliant internships and doing all these amazing thing thru your own effort…yet all of this loses value because at 22 you dont have the love you want?? Im sorry, but do you know how ridiculous that sounds???! Dear girl, give yourself a lot more credit than that-you are depleting your efforts and your self worth by not appreciating it! Forgive me but it IS selfish that you arent appreciating what you have – as one of the comments mentioned, you need to remember what you HAVE now are things people die to have. Education, opportunities, safety!
Find joy in your now otherwise you wont ever find it, no matter what you achieve. And with love, there is nothing wrong with you! You will find it when it is time and when you are whole on your own. Stop stressing, live and breath a little!
It is really up to you to snap yourself out of it and ask yourself what kind of a person you want to be – someone who prays for love and a man to ‘lure’ you (at 22!!!), is not happy with whatever she gets OR someone who wants to become a fuller human being, stronger, wiser with a life full of love (and love in so many forms).
Romantic love is just ONE form of happiness, it is sad to see you make the whole world out of it and ignore the other true blessing you have. You make the choice.
Warmth and peace your way
Lily.February 24, 2014 at 11:26 am #51649
Thank you for your kind message and for your prayers. Yes, a lot of people here going thru difficult things as well as life changing lessons. We all need support and comfort and to know that we are being looked after by others and perhaps, even a higher power.
I know your compassion and empathy will go a long way. Thank you for sharing your message.
Wishing you warmth, kindness and good health.
Lily.February 23, 2014 at 1:51 am #51559
Ah, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and what you are going thru. As a 30-year old, I can guarantee you that I have been thru this, know how you feel (way too many times!) and assure you that it.will.pass! You will get thru this and come out stronger at the end of this – no matter how it goes.
But first things first : you did nothing wrong here. I dont know him but if he says he needs the time, he needs the time. He obviously has a lot of things to deal with and I can understand that he is being distant and cold (doesnt make it ok thought). As a rule, something I have learnt is when someone tell you that they will hurt you or arent deserving of you – believe them! They are saying it because they see a definite potential of hurting you and it is not something you want to hang around to see if there is any truth to it.
But in the meantime, you need to take care of you. Surround yourself with friends and people who cherish you and love you. Try to do a little something for yourself every day, go out for a walk, eat healthy and nurture yourself. Watch DVDs that you like, make you smile. Paint, sing, draw…whatever brings you comfort. There will be tears but everyday will bring new strength and a teeny bit of joy that will start to add up and make a difference. You can wait for him or get on with your life, looking after yourself and becoming more of the person you are meant to be. Either way, when the time comes to have a conversation with him, you will be in a much healthier space to take a decision based on what is good, positive and nurturing for YOU.
You can do this, you really can. You will be ok. Just give yourself comfort, kindness, love and patience. You are not alone, we all know how this feels and you will get thru this. Keep me posted.
Warmth your way,
Ps. Baggage Reclaim is an amazing website for you to check out when you feel ready. Nat’s words make so so so much sense and it has helped me so much when it comes to relationships, self-esteem and look after myself.February 18, 2014 at 7:40 pm #51289
Well put, Geetika! It is great that you are finding peace, comfort and love in your own voice and in God’s words.
I am with you on this – one of the things I thank God for (and I never used to pray until a couple of month ago) is for the doors that have been closed, the prayers that went unanswered — these redirections are what will take me to the destination I am meant to go to. I am not there yet, but I am trying to accept every redirection (I wont call it defeat because it is more of a win than anything else!) as one that is much better than my plans and will bring me greater happiness.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and lessons 🙂 Warmth and light your way.
Lily.February 18, 2014 at 5:20 pm #51286
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this loss. It must be heartbreaking to lose someone who holds your heart and has been your partner and love. I dont have a great deal of life experience so I cant really offer much.
But I wanted to tell you that reading your post showed my how much of strength you have within you; the desire to grow and expand yourself spiritually and as a person is burning like fire; the peace you have found, the oath to never live by the ego is inspiring. Please dont stop this, please dont stop being you. Some people are not meant to be with you all the way through on our journeys, they severed their purpose at one point in time but they wont be conducive to our future and the brilliance we have waiting for us. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn – the girl who has forever been scared of being abandoned and losing people – this has taught me that it is ok to not have those people I dearly love around all the time. Im still on my path, I need to be on my path and KNOW that inspite of everything I have lost, what is out there, waiting for me, are gifts that will truly make my soul and spirit happy. What is out there, is better than anything I have ever experienced in the past.
Sending you warmth, kindness and light
Lily.February 18, 2014 at 5:09 pm #51285
Natalie and Francesca,
I cannot even imagine what you ladies must be going through – I read your posts and my heart sank. I dont have enough live experience yet to give you some words of advice (but Matt’s post is beautiful!) but I only wanted to send you warmth, peace and kindness your way. I hope you always know that you are NEVER deserving of this behaviour from anyone. I hope counselling helps the both of you (with your partners and individually) but please dont put yourself second – take care of yourself because you are unique and we need you in this world. You need you, let yourself heal, breath and learn to feel peace and love again.
Warmest hugs to both of you
Lily.February 17, 2014 at 10:20 pm #51238
Indeed, One of the things I found most helpful was gratitude – to be thankful for every little thing..including a hot cup of tea, the sunshine, a hug from a friend, smooth shaved legs..everything. Im glad you realise that you are very blessed too – I know I am.
“This too shall pass” and indeed it will. We sadly had to learn this lesson and now we have. But new doors will open, new wonderful people will walk in (and stay!) and we will keep growing and find love, happiness and peace within ourselves.
Here if you ever need or wish to share/need listening.
Warmth your way,
Lily.February 17, 2014 at 8:53 pm #51236
There is nothing more I can say that the other’s havent – I have seen you on here lots and you have always responded to my questions and issues with such patience and kindness. That makes me imagine how much more supportive and kind you would be to people in your life. They are very lucky to have you and your friendship.
I think I agree with the people who have said that sometimes, when there is too much noise in my head, I tend to talk and ruminate and then some more all about me. Im generally not someone like that and I never intend to make it about me but during that bad head space it ends up being about me and I dont like it one bit. But Ive also been on the other side, known that the person needed someone to listen to and other times, felt the same as you have felt. But I do realise that with people closest to me, it is a give and take – some days it is all about them, others all about me. And on others, we are sailing together in balance. I have and will always be curious about other people and their experiences and enjoy listening more than I like talking about myself (but like you said, we need to share for them to be curious about us).
Sadly, we have all encountered the one-sided friendships, which we have had to walk away from. We have all tried with these but it gets clearer and clearer that the other person isnt in it to listen to us or know about us. Best to walk away.
Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for all your patience, I hope your caring nature is always appreciated by everyone in your life (far and near).
LilyFebruary 16, 2014 at 9:18 pm #51150
Woah, didnt think that anyone would have met someone who is so similar to this man that I met. Im sorry you were hurt by someone like this, that is hard to deal with and I hope you are doing ok and that it doesnt hurt as much. You seem to have great perspective and a great deal of strength, I think you will be more than ok! 🙂
It is scary that this man you know preaches to public, yikes! I know the man I met has had his own experiences that have defined what he believes in but a lot of what he said/thought was unhealthy for him. I could see that it was a destructive way of thinking and behaving but it was not my place to say anything. As someone who did care about him (as I would for anyone I meet), I felt so much compassion towards his confusion and struggle. He is scared and he is trying. I think I am able to do that now (see other people, myself more clearly) after having gone through my own struggles and having spent many years listening to myself, healing, reading and being here on Tiny Buddha. The best outcome of all this introspection is moments like this when I am able to feel compassion, care and softness for people who are struggling and hurting. And realizing that THIS is the kind of person I have always wanted to be, that I pray every morning to be.
We are all in the same boat in a lot of ways, we are all experiencing different degrees of struggle and heartache, desperately trying to make it. Some of us will learn in the process, not all though. We all have so many flaws, we are blind to so many things and we need to show compassion, patience and kindness to ourselves too. No one is a winner or a looser in all this.
I am glad you are learning and growing — and that you can share your journey with us here. I am glad sharing my experience helped you, just the way it has helped me reading yours.
Warmth and light your way
Lily.February 16, 2014 at 4:51 am #51085
VERY true! You mentioning about him picking up girls is possibly his insecurities…that is something that made me think.
I think the second half of my time with him, I felt like I was looking at a man of 37 who refuses to grow up and thinks he knows what is right for himself. the answers..but clearly, I (and anyone) could see that he has no clue but like most of us, is desperately trying and hoping he is doing the right thing. So full of contradictions with what he wants and what he seems to be doing to achieve it.
He also expressed his fears about love, opening up to someone and of being hurt when he starts to get close. Accepted that he was jaded after having been hurt and cheated on. And so many ideas/beliefs about right and wrong that beat common sense. I couldnt help but feel that his lifestyle, his sexual adventures was the only way he knew how to deal with these fears and insecurities – he cannot face them, so he either runs from them (literally away!) or he disconnects the moment he gets close.
Of course, he chose to share a lot with me (he accepted that he has opened up to me a lot, told me a lot)…but wont be friends now that our time is done. Life has taught me that sharing/over sharing with people puts me in an unhealthy place – boundaries are there to protect me and show myself (and others) a great deal about my self worth. I did at some point, wonder how he was so comfortable sharing so much with someone he has known for 10 short minutes. I suppose thats how he knows to share any intimacy? But it makes sense that you’ve mentioned that bit about building up his confidence. Maybe he believes without these stories and adventures – there is nothing else to show.
Fascinating, thanks memm for the insight. I love human beings, we are so complex and so wonderful and so great to learn from! 🙂
Lily.February 15, 2014 at 9:32 pm #51080
No problem, it was a bit judgmental but truth be told, most of my dear friends would have reacted the same way. I get where you are coming from and I have felt the same way in the past about other friends. No apologies needed 🙂
Yeah, I think you are right (as per my reply to LilBuddha) – I did put him on a pedestal albeit for a tiny period of time. I need to look within to understand why I do that with people so I dont repeat it again. Because the moment I put them on it, I automatically lower myself, which is not ok and not how I should treat myself.
Thank you for bringing that to my notice, got much more to learn.