I have been feeling emotionally and spiritual on the edge of destruction for a few years now. But the last year of my life has brought this problem to a head – and I truly feel like I am at a life or death exit point in my life.

The last year (2016) my older brother – after suffering from MS for 6 months (losing feeling in his legs) and living with me – then moving in with my mom (when my home was too difficult to get around in) committed suicide.

He and I were very close (raised by a single mother with no real extended family) but we were also very close spiritually. There was a yearning in us for what we knew was the ‘other side’ and a dissatisfied acceptance of this earth – but a home sick feeling all the same. I had a dream before he died of him showing me this was his choice. I miss him everyday – but not in a way that I feel he is gone – more like a want to be where he is.

When he took his life I was 5 months pregnant- and a month later at 6 months pregnant I found out the baby had passed (around the same time he was cremated). I delivered my daughter stillborn, cremated her and released her ashes along the river.

I am a mother of three boys – this would have been our first daughter. These two losses back to back were hard. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I rack it up to being knocked out in a car crash at 2 years old – going to the light and meeting Creator – and having the choice to stay or go. As a toddler I was full of hope to continue – but the knowing of what the incredible joy and love of Father and Mother God truly was had planted yearning in me that is permenant.

I find myself praying to Mother God mostly (Divine Feminine) and flowing my energy to her when I meditate or listen to music – aware of her glory and knowing that all is love. Especially in my times of deep sorrow.

I have had many dreams within dreams where I am surrounded by darkness and it is as if Creator is watching me in an exam – seeing what I will do. And always – almost like a preacher who gets caught in the holy spirit – I envoke the love that I know every molecule is made up of and a ball of energy grows inside me until it explodes like an atom bomb – destroying the darkness that was around me. Creators smiles and I wake. I am very sensitive to others that I feel their inner world and I can invoke that ball-energy when I feel their intentions are dark – but I am mostly a introvert whose inner world in deep – but I am lost as to why I am here on this plane of existence.

I pray and cry that Mother God has placed me here like an abandoned child in a foreign country who will be permitted to return home eventually. Untill then I feel so lost. I try my best at mothering – but as I am an introvert it is difficult to do my favorite pasttimes (paintings, beading, reading, quiet research) when my boys are making messes, laundry/cleaning/teaching and being forced to be physical (wrestling or sitting on my lap/playing with my hair) is my everyday/allday. I love it but it is exhausting when you require quiet to recharge.

I feel who I am in this world is not needed – that there is nothing for me here. If I could I would wander freely and create – but neither is possible at this time. I beg for guidance but I feel as if my child must when they are put in time out. I must sit and be quiet and be placed on the sidelines to learn my lesson – but what have I done wrong?

I contemplate suicide regularly – and as if by magic – in one if my sorrowful episodes I wished to have the opportunity to pass as my brother did (fentanyl od) and my partner’s buddy gave him a bottle of (illegal) Morphene for pain he was in. He keeps it just in case but I saw it and knew there was a choice now because there was a way.

I feel like my spiritual side (who I feel I am. i know I am. ) is trapped within this body and it is screaming to be free. I hang on everytime and hope a path, a climax, a lesson will adhere – but the mundane continues. I yearn for growth but remain in sorrow. I do not understand why I am here when this world feels like a dream and my dreams feel like home.

I have been feeling lately like my spirit is dying, the light inside me is harder to invoke – I think that perhaps I should let the darkness engulf me. Many times I think that perhaps my spirit should just be destroyed – exploded into a million pieces of star dust and recreated into another consciousness. I feel broken and warped- like a mistake made.

I get so angry sometimes – like I am a dragon spitting fire and i feel like I am destruction – but then I feel guilt that is so deep because I feel as if my ego – my shadow self is becoming stronger and my spirit is standing dormant. This is not who I am – i am love. I am not anger and hurt. And so I feel even more wrong in my very existence.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others – but when I see clean eating/yoga doing/positive vibing/happy people here on earth I feel even more like a waste. All those things I feel I should do – their positivity seems like a prize they received in a secret group that I will never be able to join.

That sorrow is my place and Mother God knows this. Because my love for Creator is one thing that will never change. I feel like I am dying in a ditch but my love for Creator surpasses all of this. I say and pray that my love will always remain but I am hurting and trying to drag myself to help.

What good is it to know of the Unviverse when you are stuck in the Underworld.