Abusive daughter,I love her but I dont like her – where do I go from here

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    Hi I am very new to this amazing site and the forums. I am in a situation and I dont know what to do or how I move on.

    Long story short, I have an 18 year old daughter who has complex mental health issues, she has just come out of spending 4 weeks in a psych hospital and is seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist regularly. My daughter and I do not have a great relationship this I am not proud of. Everyone says that we dont get along because we are so similar.

    Where I am at the moment is 10 days ago my daughter and I had yet another fight and she became physically abusive to me (something that has happened before) she actually scared me quite a lot and tried to strangle me and threatened me with a hammer, she also hit her sister who intervened. My husband and I have decided that the best thing is for me and my other younger daughter to leave the family home and rent an apartment to give us some space and to get her some help. I am quite happy to do this as I dont really want to be in the house with her but I am feeling angry and resentful that I have to move and that this is putting a financial burden on our family. I find I cant even be civil to her at the moment.

    I am completely lost as to where I go from here how do I mend a relationship with her, how do I “love” her again. I dont know what to do or where to get help.

    If you have gotten this far thank you xx


    Dear cathietheo:

    Do protect yourself and your other daughter from the physical threat posed by your abusive daughter by living separately and in any other way.

    Do you know what is in the core of your 18 year old’s “complex mental health issues”? When did things start going wrong for her, at what age, under what circumstances?



    Hi I’m Joan, gratefully found this site  a few months ago. It has helped me cope during difficult times. I have 2 adult children. Male soon 34, female soon 31. Divorced when they were almost 4 and 7. Raised them with little or no help from my ex, financial or other. My daughter and I have a roller coaster relationship. I tears me up. Ive recently grasped that she and I are different in our basic core. Im very compassionate, never kick a dog when down. She is critical, lacks compassion, understanding and empathy for me, the same way my mother was to me. I love my kids so deeply, it hurts. I feel I was an above average mother. Went to college, got off welfare and solely provided everything for them. Holidays, yearly vacations. They were well fed, clothed, sheltered etc. Recently, separately, I asked each one if there was ever a time when they were growing up that they felt unloved. Both of them answered “No, never”. I certainly didnt feel loved, important, or valued. Lot of pain and anguish growing up. I was concious I NEVER EVER wanted my children to feel what I had felt when young. And they didnt, by their own admission. Yet both of them show me deep disregard and no respect. My daughter is the ring leader most of the times. She is above average intelligence, my son diagnosed LD at age 9, in IEP since then. I now know he has ASD which wasnt being diagnosed back then. He is extremely loyal to his younger sister. Im thankful for that, eventhoygh I have felt ganged up on, and abandoned by them alot over the years. I hurt so bad. There is so much more to the story. I just dint know what to do, how to make it stop, without having to lose them and my geand kids. Im desparately miserable. Much more to say re: whats going on but this is all for now. Can anyone help me with this debilitating life issue? Thank you, Joan.

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